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Old 06-21-2012, 07:00 PM
Coop Coop is offline
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Default A little advice

I am new to poly. I have been reading these forums for a few days now trying to figure out what this is all about. The reason, awhile ago I met this wonderful woman though this organization we both are involved in. We began hanging out as friends and chatting often I knew she had a boyfriend so to me it was going to be nothing more than a friendship thing and I was ok with that. I am not the type to cause that kind of trouble. And to tell you the truth I was not looking for anything or any kind or relationship. I have been single for 6 years after a rough divorce and was just fine with it and didnít care if it stayed that way.

Well after awhile she told me she had feeling for me and at that point I knew I had strong feeling for her. She told me she was in a Poly relationship and started telling me about this. Which it kind of scared me to be honest with you, but she answered every question I have come to her with.

So after that little bit of history.

I can say when I talk to her it makes me happy the happiest I been in a very long time. Just the thought of her makes me smile. But this whole concept kind of scares me I guess because I fully donít understand it. And I am so afraid of being hurt again and this Poly just seems like a bigger chance than mono.

I am trying to understand this as much as possible. Because I am so confused about what to do. And would like to make an educated decision.

I guess I am asking for is advice or maybe if some one has had similar experiences and would be willing to share those, Or any useful information.

Thanks
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Old 06-21-2012, 08:16 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome,

Getting hurt depends on expectations, depth and and list of other things not just the number of partners.

But if you are pain, drama and risk adverse this might not be for you.

Are you good at sharing? How much time do you to spend or plan to spend if you can get your head around this? Do you enjoy being spontaneous? Generally that doesn't work ...scheduling is the norm.

Lots of people after a divorce seem to gravitate to this because of being hurt...never putting all their eggs in one basket again.....emotional safety in numbers. Maybe use it to your advantage.
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Old 06-22-2012, 02:25 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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If you want to be educated, I'd suggest spending a lot of time perusing this thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1096

Plenty of good websites on there where people have written up comprehensive FAQ's and articles about different poly topics, and Reading a book or two never hurts. "Opening Up" would be my recommendation (there may be one more useful for a person who is currently single and not going from a mono couple >> poly couple, I'm not sure, but it would help you see all the variants of poly, and has a lot of great discussion topics.)

I don't think poly is more risky, but it might be if you think in the future you want to settle down into a monogamous relationship, as in if you love with her, or some other poly person in the future, you're going to have to break up with them to have monogamy, which could hurt both you and them.

Have you met her other partner(s)? That can help tell if you'll be comfortable with this. If she starts dating you and then starts dating somebody else too does that trigger any really strong negative feelings about the hypothetical new partner? If you start dating how many times a week do you think you want to see her, and can she provide that?

Those are my ideas to throw out at the moment to see if you've thought about them. Hmm except for - can you be more specific about what you don't fully understand about polyamory? If you can explain what you mean you might be more useful responses to that bit.
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Old 07-01-2012, 01:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coop View Post
I can say when I talk to her it makes me happy the happiest I been in a very long time. Just the thought of her makes me smile. But this whole concept kind of scares me I guess because I fully don’t understand it. And I am so afraid of being hurt again and this Poly just seems like a bigger chance than mono.
If I'm in the midst of feeling pain, I generally don't stop and compare it to other hurts I've felt. The pain just is. I feel it and deal with it. So, I think it's kind of a strange thing we humans do to compare pain. The fact is that there is a potential for getting hurt in any relationship, no matter how deep or serious or how many people our partner is involved with. When we risk liking or loving someone, we risk the possibility of pain. However, the risk of getting hurt when we let ourselves take a chance at love, let someone in, expose our hearts and our innermost thoughts and feelings, also brings with it possibilities we never could have dreamed of. We may find someone who we feel absolutely delighted and happy to be around, with whom we are comfortable being ourselves, and who thrills us when we just look at them.

You have to weigh the risks. Do you risk getting hurt for the possibility of ecstasy (or, at least, a nice comfy camaraderie), or do you risk losing the possibility for ecstasy to avoid getting hurt? The avoidance of hurt is another illusion we humans believe in. What about the hurt and sadness we feel when we think about the opportunities we passed by because of fear, even though we really wanted them?

If being around a certain person had me feeling the happiest I've been for a long time, I personally would take a chance on that! I've been through hell before and come out alive, so I know I can handle a broken heart. If I were you, I would venture slowly forward and keep communicating. But don't get too caught up in the idea that someone else can make you happy. I think what other people do is let us feel an ease within ourselves and that is what makes us happy. And you can be happy in any relationship configuration, depending on the ways in which it is satisfying for YOU. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 07-01-2012 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 07-01-2012, 01:42 PM
Coop Coop is offline
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Thank you all for the advice.
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Old 07-01-2012, 05:21 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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thanks, Coop, for starting this thread, so I could read this today:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The fact is that there is a potential for getting hurt in any relationship, no matter how deep or serious or how many people our partner is involved with. When we risk liking or loving someone, we risk the possibility of pain. However, the risk of getting hurt when we let ourselves take a chance at love, let someone in, expose our hearts and our innermost thoughts and feelings, also brings with it possibilities we never could have dreamed of. We may find someone who we feel absolutely delighted and happy to be around, with whom we are comfortable being ourselves, and who thrills us when we just look at them.

You have to weigh the risks. Do you risk getting hurt for the possibility of ecstasy (or, at least, a nice comfy camaraderie), or do you risk losing the possibility for ecstasy to avoid getting hurt? The avoidance of hurt is another illusion we humans believe in. What about the hurt and sadness we feel when we think about the opportunities we passed by because of fear, even though we really wanted them?
Indie, thank you so much for that. I have said this to people in the past, but I've been forgetting it this week, and I desperately needed to see this today. It's helped a lot. I have always believed in taking that risk, since I was a teen. I still do. Somehow, I always forget that with the initial hurt. It always comes back to me.
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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