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  #1  
Old 06-27-2012, 01:47 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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Default Confused and hurt, do I stick this out or walk away?

So..I mentioned in my intro post that I am not new to the ideals. There is a lot of background, but I'll give the TL;DR version - I was raised Mormon, as in that Mormon group with the multiple wives and lots of fun years of therapy. I was lucky enough to get out when I was relatively young and while I know that FLDS is sort of a form of poly, it's not exactly the most ideal environment to be brought up in.

I've been married once (just myself and the man, no one else), and currently on marriage #2, though the way things are going, I'm not sure how long this will last. About two years ago, current husband (CH from herein out) asked if I might be open to exploring poly. I'm sure some can imagine my response, grinding my heels in and saying no. That led to a spectacular blow up on my end (marriage #1 ended with my discovery of divorced husband cheating and thinking I'd be okay with it because 'after all, that's how you were raised'), and for many months there was an incredible amount of tension. CH backed off of the idea and decided that maybe he'd gone about it the wrong way. He convinced me to go to some poly-friendly meet ups, get to know people, etc.

Okay, fine. So things have been going smoothly. Then he introduces 'her'. She's part of a poly couple and she'd like to get to know her better. Her husband is interested in me. I have a lot of walls and I'm hard to get to know, but somehow, he knows all the ways around them like CH does (which I suspect CH helped him to navigate).

Things go well for them, but the husband of the couple has said that he is not interested in me that way (other than I'm charming, sweet and would make any guy ecstatic if they were in bed), but he's got strong feelings for CH.

So if you've followed so far, cookies are by the coffee. I am stuck in a poly relationship with CH and the couple together, effectively leaving me out of the loop. I feel like an outsider looking in and no matter how I communicate it, CH says 'oh, it'll work out. we'll do this or that all together or I'll do this with you.' I'm close to finding a lawyer and letting this marriage go. I've sat him down and talked, and I've sat all of them down and talked and aside from them saying they understand, I don't think they do. Being left out is not fun and it's extremely hurtful.

I did not want to go into this so quickly, especially with my history (and trust me there are stories that I could relate growing up that would make one wonder how I managed to survive without completely losing my mind). So what more can I do other than give the ultimatum that this ends or I leave the man that I do love and care for because he can't see the hurt he's caused?
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Old 06-27-2012, 02:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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:hug:

I am sorry you are hurting. They really are not being kind. Going at the speed of the slowest, allowing you time to process. I don't know it played out time wise but you sounded ambushed.

Speak up about your needs not being met with CH. I mean, to the point where you are thinking divorce? Been seriously neglecting you!

Being caught up in NRE is one thing, but at the expense of the ORE it just is not fair.

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GalaGirl
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Old 06-27-2012, 03:51 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Okay, I'm just a vanilla mono, but as I understand it, your husband told you he wanted to try poly. When you didn't embrace the idea enthusiastically, he moved forward to telling you he's now in a poly relationship and it'll all be great, even as you're telling him it's not great, for you. And the man of the other couple has strong feelings for your husband??

Are you interested in being part of a poly relationship in general? Is the problem poly or this particular couple?

Because to me, this doesn't sound like poly, which as I understand it from reading on these boards is about honesty, mutual consent, love, and respect. It sounds like a guy informing his wife he's now seeing someone and she can like it or lump it. There's a little bit of honesty there, but no mutual consent, no love and no respect.
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:23 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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This is a very sad situation that you have been put into - it's going to be a lot of work to get through any of this...

One question - how did it get from:
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplyme View Post
She's part of a poly couple and she'd like to get to know her better. Her husband is interested in me.
to
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplyme View Post
I am stuck in a poly relationship with CH and the couple together, effectively leaving me out of the loop.
In other words, what was the process of "we're all interested in this" to "stuck in a relationship" - were you given any say in this? He had already had one sign that you were not happy with the idea of poly - once he found the couple, how much discussion was had about whether or not to start this, and to really become inside a poly relationship?
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:26 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Okay, I'm just a vanilla mono, but as I understand it, your husband told you he wanted to try poly. When you didn't embrace the idea enthusiastically, he moved forward to telling you he's now in a poly relationship and it'll all be great, even as you're telling him it's not great, for you. And the man of the other couple has strong feelings for your husband??
Yes, this exactly. I wanted to go slow because I know how I am. I hate change. I freak at change, and this has me on full on panic freakout mode because I'm having to make changes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Are you interested in being part of a poly relationship in general? Is the problem poly or this particular couple?
I am, but not like this. And I don't know what the problem is: it might be me (and this is me talking to deflect the blame off of the others because it's what I do; I know it's not me, it's something within the dynamic that is making this the way it is right now), but I think it's more and more looking like the couple.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Because to me, this doesn't sound like poly, which as I understand it from reading on these boards is about honesty, mutual consent, love, and respect. It sounds like a guy informing his wife he's now seeing someone and she can like it or lump it. There's a little bit of honesty there, but no mutual consent, no love and no respect.
Yes +infinity. I don't know when things changed, but I only wish I'd know about the wanting to try this before it happened. I don't want to use the ultimatum, but I'm beginning to think that it's my only choice at this point.
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:39 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

In other words, what was the process of "we're all interested in this" to "stuck in a relationship" - were you given any say in this? He had already had one sign that you were not happy with the idea of poly - once he found the couple, how much discussion was had about whether or not to start this, and to really become inside a poly relationship?
The process was a lot of talking, a few outings and I could see fairly quickly that there was some sort of connection between the wife and CH. Me, being fairly reserved, had a bit of a harder time getting to know the husband, but it seemed like we were getting along.

Then things seem to change after being intimate. He gave the 'it's not you, it's me' spiel and then started showing affection towards CH. The wife has been friendly, but that's it. So maybe being stuck isn't the right phrase. Maybe feeling more like the odd one out is a better term.
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:50 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simplyme View Post
Me, being fairly reserved, had a bit of a harder time getting to know the husband, but it seemed like we were getting along.

Then things seem to change after being intimate. He gave the 'it's not you, it's me' spiel and then started showing affection towards CH. The wife has been friendly, but that's it. So maybe being stuck isn't the right phrase. Maybe feeling more like the odd one out is a better term.
Were you onboard with being part of this at the beginning? You had sex with the other man? Then he withdrew (pardon me, no pun intended) and he's now showing physical affection toward your husband? Are they both bisexual?
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:56 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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OK, so what I am hearing is that you actually consented to going forward with this under the understanding that she would be with Ch and he would be with you. yes?

Now that things are not working between him and you, you are feeling left out, while they are forging on ahead.

Am I understanding this correctly?
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Old 06-27-2012, 05:22 PM
simplyme simplyme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
OK, so what I am hearing is that you actually consented to going forward with this under the understanding that she would be with Ch and he would be with you. yes?

Now that things are not working between him and you, you are feeling left out, while they are forging on ahead.

Am I understanding this correctly?
Yes you are. Because I did honestly think that things would go slow. I really did.

Yes, I am the one feeling left out, and I've said this numerous times when CH and I have been alone. He deflects back to his usual 'things will get better' phrase.


Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Were you onboard with being part of this at the beginning? You had sex with the other man? Then he withdrew (pardon me, no pun intended) and he's now showing physical affection toward your husband? Are they both bisexual?
I was onboard when there was the understanding that I wanted this to go slow, which I had assumed the outings were going to continue.

I did eventually have sex, yes (which I won't complain was nice), and yes he did withdraw (puns are fine, humor helps sometimes), and started becoming affectionate with CH. Up until then, I sort of suspected CH was a little bit curious but never expected him to be full on bi. Not that I have a problem with it. I'm just taken aback, since it makes me realize that I don't know the man as well as I thought I did.




I hope I'm not confusing people. I'm just as confused. I also realize I'm bad at giving details, so I apologize for that too. I've had little sleep the last few days because of this.
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  #10  
Old 06-27-2012, 05:49 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simplyme View Post
yes he did withdraw (puns are fine, humor helps sometimes).
I'm sure I can pull out many more!

Is it possible your hurt is also or more about rejection by this other man? Or perhaps wondering if this was a little bit under false pretenses from the start--that maybe he was more interested in another man than in a woman, but didn't come right out and say so?
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