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  #1  
Old 05-28-2012, 11:53 PM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Default Next Stage Mono/Poly

I'm in the process of opening up my 10 year long mono relationship. I'm poly, he's mono. I'm kink, he's vanilla. We've been opening up for about 10 months (my other thread outlines the very beginning of that process!). So far I have been building the trust and haven't been doing much other than flirting, hugging and being open to developing connections: all agreed by my husband. I've even turned down offers from some amazingly sexy people! *sigh*

Finally I met someone. My husband agreed we could have internet sex. It has been going on a couple of months now. I want to take it to the next logical step and have actual sex with the guy. I am scared my husband will veto the situation and then decide to pull the plug totally.

It is complicated by the fact that it is a BDSM LDR (way to go on picking them!). I am worried he only approved the relationship because it is an LDR. On the plus side, I think because it is BDSM it is less threatening for him.

I'm feeling my patience wearing thin but I don't want to lose my husband, I just don't know how well I will take it if veto is invoked. I'm scared of upsetting my husband and also worried I will lose what I have been building with my play-partner.

Any thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Commiserations?
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  #2  
Old 05-29-2012, 10:23 PM
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Have you thought of saying to your husband that you think that would be the next logical step and that you are scared he will object? Have you asked him if he thinks it would be too and asked him how he would feel about it?
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Old 05-30-2012, 02:25 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default The next step....

I'm a huge fan of soft starting when I have something important to talk about. I make sure that we're both in a place where we're able to focus on just talking - maybe make a drink/tea, nothing else on the go, not right before bed, turn off your phones and then talk. Once the stage has been set for good communication, I'm all about being honest, but being respectful about it as well. To me it sounds like you're ready to have some serious communication with your husband, but are looking for the right way to do that, and a way to express how scared you are that he is going to shut things down before they even go to the next level. I hear you saying something along the lines of "I really respect your opinions and feelings, and definitely know that I need your blessings in any other relationship that I have. It makes me scared because...." and so forth. I like having mental conversations to get clear about the things that I want to express, sometimes I even write notes if it's a tricky conversation for me to have.

You're in an interesting place, and I wish you lots of luck as you take your next steps! Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:43 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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redpepper and baggagepatrol:

Thank you for your interest!

I have thought about talking to him, obviously. I'm just scared really. I should trust him more because he has been really supportive. Even when I gave myself bruises (whoops) in a fun session with my play-partner and had to explain them to the husband, he had real compersion! He didn't understand why I liked it, but he was genuinely happy I had fun. This gives me hope.

The reason I am so scared is because a few weeks ago I was in the same vicinity as my play-partner and there was a possibility we could have met up. As it was we couldn't in the end. But while the possibility was there I broached the fact that I would like to have a casual non-physical meet-up with my play-partner (we met in RL and transitioned to the internet, so it would not be a first meeting). My husband was very hesitant and said he would think about it. We never discussed it again because it never became directly relevant. His hesitation about a non-physical meet up is what worries me. I have dates now for when I will be in my play-partner's vicinity, so obviously I would like to take advantage of that. I am worried that he will see this date as a big looming weight over us. I am in my play-partner's vicinity once a month for work so meet-ups could be practical but regular. This is also something I am scared my husband will find difficult.

I have suggested we can go back to our amazing poly therapist about anything at any point, but I don't want to make it a "therapy" thing if it doesn't need to be.

What ifs are a nightmare! And I know, a silly way to live!

This weekend we are both free and planning to spend a nice time relaxing, i'll chat to him then.
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Old 05-30-2012, 08:51 PM
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Good luck! Feel the fear and do it anyways... It likely a matter of getting into the habit of talking about difficult things. BaggagePatrol, I like your idea of. "Soft startling." I do that a lot with my partners. For me its a matter of saying things when they come up, always considering where I think the person is at and picking my moment.
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:15 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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It was an outright and immediate "no." It was a very civilized, loving discussion. We are a very solid couple and can chat about these things without hystrionics or anything else, but it was still a no. Quick summary of what the husband said:

- The LDR BDSM thing would be the easiest entry into the whole scene.
- The online stuff hasn't affected our relationship at all.
- He is happy for me that I know where I am and what I need and want.
- He is ok for me to have very close emotional, loving bonds with people.
- He is happy for me to have dates with people.
- He isn't ready for anybody else to touch me.

I don't know what to do with this? When would he be ready?

He is out today so I have a vague, very slim hope that he will change his mind but we chatted last night and this morning he was still very much "no".

Any suggestions?
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:47 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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He isn't ready for anyone to touch you in any way or in just a sexual way? I would find it rather difficult to have a close emotional bond with someone who I wasn't allowed to touch AT ALL.

To me, it sounds like he is afraid that anything physical (not online) will have a direct impact on your relationship. What would make him fear this? Is there anything you could do to help him realize what it is that makes him uncomfortable with it? I also find it odd that he is okay with you having dates but not okay with anything else happening.

As for when he would be ready.. I think it varies greatly by person. For some it takes only a short time to change from the mindset of monogamy/sexual fidelity/whatever to the mindset of accepting what fulfills their partner more fully. For other people it can take years, if they can ever come to terms with it.

I would give him time to process the next step while making sure he IS processing it and not ignoring it. Make sure he realizes that this is an important aspect of those loving relationships. And I'm sure reiterating how amazing you think it is that he has been and is being so supportive would be appreciated, too!
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:18 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
He isn't ready for anyone to touch you in any way or in just a sexual way? I would find it rather difficult to have a close emotional bond with someone who I wasn't allowed to touch AT ALL.
Oh no, he is fine with me hugging and snuggling with people. I'm very touchy feely and he has always been fine with that (to the point that other people have often questioned him about it, even before we started opening up - i'm actually less touchy feely now than I used to be, probably because we are opening up). It is the sexual touch he objects to. Basically, nudity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
To me, it sounds like he is afraid that anything physical (not online) will have a direct impact on your relationship. What would make him fear this? Is there anything you could do to help him realize what it is that makes him uncomfortable with it? I also find it odd that he is okay with you having dates but not okay with anything else happening.
He knows it won't affect how we are together. He said as much! His main things were:

(1) Saying goodbye to me and talking to me on the phone/skype or texting knowing that I will be with, am with, or have been with someone else.
(2) Nudity and sexual physicality is our thing and letting anyone else into that is breaking our bubble. (Apparently emotions don't though)

TBH I think he is fine with the close emotional bonds and dates because he has very close very intense friendships with people. He undestands that. He doesn't understand sex at all, if you check my only other thread you get an idea of how extreme that is! (Re. his best-friend: we had a 20 anniversary party for him and his best-friend, the guy was the best man at our wedding and he came on honeymoon with us, when the three of us are together everyone thinks they are the couple. They are both het but they are effectively soul-mates.)

I don't know how long I can be patient for. I tried to be mono for almost a decade and it made me utterly miserable. My husband knows this and has been amazing about the whole thing. He has told me, even last night, that he is happier than he used to be because I am clearly more relaxed and happy. I am very lucky to have him and I tell him that over and over again. We do the whole active listening and repeating what each other has said in different ways so we are both sure we know what we are doing. Honestly, even our therapist says we are a textbook example of how to communicate. But my patience is wearing out!
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:23 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I went and read a little in your other thread and got confused on a couple things. How did he become the one if the sex was terrible from day one ? You having a high sex drive and his is non existent. You date for 5 yrs that way and still decide to marry ...hoping it would change ? Now you think your poly .....maybe you just need a normal sex life....whatever normal is . Look up the national average for you age and area.

Maybe that long drought and constant thought of what's missing is driving all this. Play me or trade me I'm sick of sitting on the bench. You 've been in this opening up process for almost a year and you're at handholding. Is it better to wade into very cold water or just jump. I vote jump. Sink or swim. live or die.

Do you have kids?
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:39 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I went and read a little in your other thread and got confused on a couple things. How did he become the one if the sex was terrible from day one ? You having a high sex drive and his is non existent.
I fell in love with him before we had sex. We were friends for about six months and then one day, bam, I knew he was the guy I wanted to marry before we had even kissed. He has never bored me (except in bed). He is kind, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful, wonderful man. I love him more now than I did before we started this path. Everything else, literally everything else is wonderful. Why throw that away because the sex sucks?

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Now you think your poly .....maybe you just need a normal sex life....whatever normal is
I had poly relationships before (but didn't know that was what they were, I just lived my life). When I met my husband I was seeing two guys. Before my husband I had never stuck to a single person. I bought into the myth when I fell in love with my husband. I tried to be a different person. It didn't work. The bad sex with the husband and the poly complicate each other but are different issues. Even when I had a relationship with a man where we had amazing sex three times a day we still both had other relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Is it better to wade into very cold water or just jump. I vote jump. Sink or swim. live or die.
At some point it may come to that, but I'm not there yet. Like I said, my husband is the most important person in my life. For many years he was more important to me than me. Now I'm learning that we can only be a happy couple if I'm the most important person in my life. If I need to be loved and have other sexual experiences in order to be happy then it is important for me that my husband and I try to work through that together.

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Do you have kids?
No children, no intention of having any either.
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