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  #81  
Old 10-09-2010, 03:12 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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It's amazing to me that I always find exactly what I am looking for on this forum.

Lately I have been feeling that it is not worth it. I hear people talk about how their relationships have grown from being poly....I already had an amazing relationship and we had/have amazing communication. I never looked outside my relationship for any piece that was missing. We both have the ability to love other people and we both knew that from the start of our relationship. We choose to practice monogamy for a long time, 6 years of it, and only opened our marriage up in the last 2 years.

I have had one failed outside relationship that lasted a year and many dating failures. He has yet to find someone that he truly connects with as he works all the time and we are raising three teenagers (ahhh the angst!!)

I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...
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  #82  
Old 10-09-2010, 03:42 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies View Post
It's amazing to me that I always find exactly what I am looking for on this forum.

Lately I have been feeling that it is not worth it. I hear people talk about how their relationships have grown from being poly....I already had an amazing relationship and we had/have amazing communication. I never looked outside my relationship for any piece that was missing. We both have the ability to love other people and we both knew that from the start of our relationship. We choose to practice monogamy for a long time, 6 years of it, and only opened our marriage up in the last 2 years.

I have had one failed outside relationship that lasted a year and many dating failures. He has yet to find someone that he truly connects with as he works all the time and we are raising three teenagers (ahhh the angst!!)

I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...
My opinion: Being poly doesn't mean you have to always have another person in you lives or be constantly looking. The way I see it, is that it means you are open to the idea of another if the person or opportunity presents itself.

Enjoy your family, go on dates with your husband and before you know it, the kids will be off on their own and you will have more time than you know what to do with. Who knows what tomorrow or next year will bring.
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  #83  
Old 10-09-2010, 04:12 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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Thanks for that reply Sneacail =) Maybe that's all I need to do....just BE for awhile....
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  #84  
Old 10-09-2010, 07:06 PM
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Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!
I agree with S Neal about polyamory being an openess rather than a quest (or that's how I took it).

One of the reasons polyamory is worth it for me is that it keeps me (or at least seems to) in a constant state of appreciation for the relationship I have. I see so many relationships around me where complacency and taking each other for granted are like a kind of cancer that eats away at the health of the relationship.
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  #85  
Old 10-10-2010, 01:39 AM
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My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.
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  #86  
Old 10-10-2010, 02:06 AM
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My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.
But people tend to come out the better for it at the other end.
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  #87  
Old 10-10-2010, 02:13 AM
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But people tend to come out the better for it at the other end.
I guess so because I believe we are all better off looking at ourselves and really, poly makes us face ourselves.
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  #88  
Old 10-10-2010, 03:39 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think that's the case of relationships in general. I notice everywhere around me that some people are just not good at relationships, be it with one person or more. I guess if you put in more people who are bad at it, the results can be more catastrophic. On the other hand, you might need only one person who is good at it to "train" the others, too.
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  #89  
Old 10-11-2010, 10:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies View Post
I find that deciding to date other people has taken focus away from our family; that the inherent stress and complications and constant communication actually detracts from having FUN with our family. Dating is hard and takes a lot of focus....at least for me it does. Sometimes I think that I have better things to focus on...my great husband and our great kids!

Note: take all this with a grain of salt....I have been bummed about poly for a few weeks now...
I can see where that would come from Daisies.
The whole concept of 'dating' and all that seems to go with that really - to me at least - isn't a particularly good way to approach expanded relationships.
At from that perspective - of course it steals time ! Any extra curricular activity will have to borrow time from somewhere else.

This is a big part of why we always try to fold someone new into our life as much as possible rather that try to set up separate - and competing - events taking time. And we feel it's more illustrative for someone new to get a feel for what our life and routine are on a given day before drowning in NRE and missing the reality.

GS
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  #90  
Old 10-11-2010, 11:54 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My thoughts lately are that poly really is shit for most people. I really think that most of the time people need to work on themselves more and then their relationship with ONE person. Adding more people just seems to make blatantly obvious what is not dealt with with the person and then their one relationship. Of course people might think I am referring to them specifcally but I really am not. I am noticing this everywhere right now. I think its the fact that its a change of season... change brings shit with it... which means there is a need to work on stuff.
I agree.

We thought we had a really good, strong relationship.

Opened to poly and discovered how much required work. We've done the work, but not without paying a fairly hefty price...

I still feel poly is worth it. I discovered that my husband is very much poly-wired, and I'm more than happy to support him. I'm still figuring out myself - while I can *see* myself being poly - I also can see myself being mono. So maybe I"m somewhere in the middle?

Overall - poly is worth it if everyone has patience and compassion for everyone else involved in the situation
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