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  #51  
Old 09-23-2010, 08:37 AM
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I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.
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  #52  
Old 09-23-2010, 08:44 AM
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I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.

Last edited by sage; 09-23-2010 at 08:48 AM.
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  #53  
Old 09-23-2010, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.
Well spoken Porcupine,

I think this is maybe the most common set of experiences when people open up a marriage/existing relationship.

The closeness and sharing will always leave fond reminders of what CAN be - AND the fact it CAN be that way outside the whirlwind of the NRE phase.

The honesty required that you speak of is so often suppressed in relationships and it's almost like a weight off your back(s) when something (in this case openness) forces that level of honesty into action. Again, this is the type of thing that leaves a solid lesson in place for the future on how successful relationships need to function.

Well put !

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  #54  
Old 09-23-2010, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.
Good point Sage for the mono pov!
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  #55  
Old 09-23-2010, 04:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.
Interesting perspective here. Maybe not wholly positive but worth it for the exploration of the level of connectedness in relationship.
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  #56  
Old 09-23-2010, 06:52 PM
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Good point Sage for the mono pov!
I think the love of one person is not only why it is worth, but it is the only reason it is.
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  #57  
Old 09-23-2010, 07:09 PM
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Drunken, thanks for coming back and telling us what's been happening. I'm sorry for this end but with end there is beginning and it sounds like you are better for it in the end.
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  #58  
Old 09-23-2010, 07:38 PM
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Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.

It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.
I read some of the replies, but this is a long thread so I skipped. Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said.

Redpepper, I think, taking the analogy of the watermelon, that you're missing the question, was it worth it to eat the watermelon instead of sticking only to oranges for the rest of your life? :P

Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

As for me, the answer is yes. Poly has been full of pain and depression for me. But, it brought understanding into my life that had been lacking before. The communication skills I've learned have saved my marriage. The self-knowledge I've gained has taught me what exactly I needed that I couldn't ask for before. I've filled gaping holes in my life, holes that I was looking into but couldn't for the life of me find a way to fix, because I didn't know what I needed. I feel like a more mature adult now and I'm happier with who I am. I think the communication skills have also made me a better parent, and they're definitely skills I want my kids to have.
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  #59  
Old 09-23-2010, 08:32 PM
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@lemondrop- I said what I said because it would be like asking me if eating is worth it. I can eat whatever I want, but in that I have likes and dislikes, food that I know isn't good for me, food that others eat and I don't (meat). I guess it was never a choice for me, I just had to realize. Short answer, "yes" its worth it, because I wouldn't be me.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-28-2010 at 12:17 AM.
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  #60  
Old 09-23-2010, 11:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post

Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

.
Remembering that I am not only verymono in nature but I have a very traditional background, I have a hard time seeing calm fulfillment in any poly relationship. I have no doubt that this is because I truly can't understand what it feels like to be poly. I don't mean this to sound negative, it is my honest observation

The more I think about this the more I realize my perception is skewed by what I would want in a primary relationship. Poly is not it. That is another reason that fostering and promoting the relationship between Redpepper and Polynerdist is in my best interest...I won't allow myself to feel as though I am a primary partner because I see him as her primary. It's a weird mechanism to enable me to be in a mono/poly relationship but it works in a way that makes me feel happy and healthy so I don't question it

As a side note....I do not feel lacking in any way. I don't need the idea of a "primary" as in a mono partner. I already had one of those, that need has been filled I love the way my relationship works for it's differences as well as it's similarities.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 09-24-2010 at 12:22 AM.
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