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  #11  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:52 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
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If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.
Agreed!!!
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2010, 04:14 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Yes I do.

hmmmm....as an IT guy who hates most technology...I can honestly say that the blackberry has saved me from being on call 24/7, lets me stay in touch without trying to hard etc. It has been a godsend. Now like any and all tools, does it get abused. Yes. Don't blame the tool, blame the human
WOW - so another IT guy who has a healthy disrespect for technology. I wonder how many of us there are ?

And you're right - and I didn't (blame the tool) Always seen beyond that. Look at television ! Great potential. Mostly a manipulative tool and garbage.
Not the box's fault

But we're hijacking here.......

GS
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2010, 04:35 PM
findingme findingme is offline
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In terms of what is going on in her relationship, I am just steering well clear of that. We are not going to be living here for much longer, and that's her mess to make. However, I *do* know and he is open with me about their relationship. So, yes, I agree, what she is doing is cheating and having an affair. He isn't.

To return to the texting, he is prepared to ignore it a little more at times, for example we went away for a weekend together and their texting was kept to a minumum of a couple in the morning and evening to say hello and goodnight. That was lovely for me. But on other occasions we'll be out watching the football at the pub together so won't be talking that much, and he'll have a text exchange of up to 20 or so texts (without exaggeration) and this gets extremely frustrating. It's good to know it's not just me who thinks it's rude!
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2010, 04:53 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I will leave aside the cheating thing, because I think it has been discussed plenty in other places (but for the record, I am with RedPepper on this one, entirely!)

I have issues with cell phone etiquette in general. Sitting having a conversation with someone and the phone rings and their instant comment is "I've got to take this" when they don't even know who it is (believe me, I checked - they didn't have custom ringtones or anything like that). WHY do you have to take it? Is talking with some random person who is calling you more important than talking to me, since we are out together? Says a lot for how you value our relationship, doesn't it?

As far as texting with a lover is concerned, I think it is something that the individual relationships need to work out. For some it's not such a big deal, for others it is. I can not turn off my cell for long periods due to work commitments, but for whichever of my partners I am not with, they understand that I am not instantly available. I will more than often ignore text messages until a convenient time comes up - I won't interrupt a conversation to look at it and reply.

One of the things we have set up is the idea of quality time, whether it is a date night or whatever. During that time, there is no communication with the other, unless there is some dire emergency (and I do mean DIRE). But in lesser ways that applies to watching TV with one of my partners, too, even though that's not official "quality time".

Bottom line - if you are upset by what is going on then you have every right to express that and work with them to come up with an etiquette that works for all parties.
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  #15  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:14 PM
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What is sick and destructive to me GS (with all due respect )is that people have become complacent and have normalized affairs and cheating. This is my fear and why I feel compelled to be a hard ass about it everytime it is causally brought up in threads that have nothing to do with the topic. I'm sorry if it comes across as harsh. I do have compassion for those stuck in it. Its all a learning thing and seems to be part of some poly process, but that doesn't make it right and doesn't excuse it. I just don't think it should ever be blown off as nothing. Because it is hugely something to be concerned about.

As for cell phone use? To get back on track :P , I don't have a land line, this phone is it. I have found it an annoying blessing.
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  #16  
Old 04-13-2010, 02:21 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.
I do agree with this here to an extent. If her husband doesn't know then this needs to stop. This is not a poly relationship they have. This is a dishonest cheating one. It takes everyone knowing, agreeing, and working together to make a poly relationship. Not just some people but all. And they might not like it but you and them are all contributing to the pain that will eventually happen and the longer this happens and the longer they wait the worse it will be and the higher the level of pain.
As for the cheating itself, I promise I am not talking out my ass here. I was the one being cheated on until my husband finally came clean. It is forgiveable, if that person chooses to do so. But they are entirely in their right not to forgive and to end things and the cheaters will just have to deal with the consequences of their actions. They brought this on themselves. I chose to work with my husband and forgive. His current girlfriend is not the first one he cheated on me with . There have been about three or four others. Many on here have heard my story by now.
But as for being the one cheated on it has taken alot of work. Alot of pain that is still there that I am still working on. I don't know if it will ever really go away. But I don't hold it over his head in fights. That doesn't get anyone anywhere. But they do need to come clean. The husband does deserve some sort of respect and common courtesy. Please don't support their actions for his sake. The pain can be unbearable and almost suicidal at times and the longer the three of you continue this, no matter the part, the worse it will be.

As for your original question. Let's say that the GF's husband accepts this and allows it. My husband had a texting issue. It drove me nuts. But I sat down, we talked to each other and her and we put down some ground rules so that he understands I need my time as well and we both agreed on them. I didn't just say this is the way it is, like it or not. He keeps the weekend texting to a bare minimum. Very few. The weekends is my time and my daughter's time unless he is over at her place. Her husband does know about them.
After 10pm those texts stop every night. That is my time again. That is our time to cuddle and have sex and talk and fall asleep in each others arms. This is a suggestion I got off another page and it has really worked for us. They work together as well. They text all day at work. No one at work knows they are together because their coworkers know they are both married to other people. So they have to be careful there and do everything by text.
But when they come home at the end of the day, even if there is still some texting, he doesn't answer her during meal times or during our conversations. He puts down the phone and gives me attention. If I am busy with stuff or our daughter he is free to talk to her while he works on his stuff. He is not taking time away from me and he knows that.
You are already trying to learn a new way for your marriage. He needs to help you find some comfort level. You will hear this all over the place here but it is the most true piece of advice: COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! You can't survive without this, and that includes bringing the hardest and most painful topics to surface. You won't survive without talking over everything. If you can't even talk about a texting problem, imagine the harder conversations that will fail and eventually hurt you in the end.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2010, 06:31 AM
cailet cailet is offline
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Texting lately has become a bit of an issue with me and my hubby. He has a serious gf that i like. Not in a sexual way but i do like her as a person. they are a couple now. I have a bf that calls me his weekend wife. lol. But with hubby and his gf they are constantly texting each other all day long and up till he goes to bed. Bf comes to our house during the week and has dinner with hubby me and the kids while he's working (he's a truck driver) This is a major difference between my bf and the gf. She gets upset if hubby doesn't text her back right away (very insecure about herself) Hubby gets severe tunnel vision. When he's focused on something texting, video games etc. That is all he can focus on. He doesn't notice or pay attention to what is going on around him. Hubby gets to see the gf tuesdays and on the weekends where i see bf during the week and weekends.

I find it rude when people are texting while having a conversation with you. Hubby and I have had to have several talks about this and came to the conclusion that when he's spending quality time : dinner, bedtime for kids etc. He can text the gf that he's doing such and such and will text her later then he shuts the phone off until that time is over. there are times he forgets but we talk and work it out. This is the solution that we have had to come up with so that there are no hard feelings on anyone's side of things.

The main advise would be to talk to your partner and come to an agreement that would work for both of you.
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