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Old 06-19-2012, 03:17 AM
Joni Joni is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 6
Default Current Confusion

So I will start with little about me because my introduction was very brief to say the least. I'm 41 live on AZ and Have always thought the idea of a monogamous relationship was more of a society issue that somehow became mainstream it never made sense to assume that one partner could meet all of my needs emotionally or sexually and lord knows the second need can be crazy at times. However I always went about it the wrong way in the past which was always an affair, then when i ended a 16 year marriage in 2002 (yes the math put me at married at he ripe old age of 16 to someone MUCH older) I decided that I would just stay single and that afforded me the ability to "date" about 6 men without having to promise to be monogamous which worked great until 2005 when I met my current husband,we got married in 2006 and had somewhat of an open marriage, in the sense that if we were with friends I could have sex with men while at the party and he could have sex with women while we were at the party.However there was never an emotional attachment and while a lot of times that is all I'm looking for I also knew in my heart that wasn't what I was looking for in the long term sense.

Then about a year into the marriage we decided to close the marriage becasue we wanted to become foster parents which requires a lot of poking and prodding into your whole entire life and while I felt like it was no ones business I knew from my years of working in the mental health field and with multiple agencies that it could derail a few things and make the process difficult, so we did all of that and it has worked out wonderful.

So the closed marriage to say the least didn't work out for my desires at all, after an affair on my part and a understanding husband to a point then two year of just getting by this march I decided we seriously had to talk about the affair and as well about our marriage and where to go from there because I wont setter for just getting by.

So that is the quick version of my past somewhat so my current issue is we have agreed that we can each have a secondary as well as date other people and very strict boundaries at this point that his girlfriends or my boyfriends will not be at the house because of our position of foster parents. the few problems I'm beginning to see however that we will have to address is we live in a VERY small town also I don't know how he really feel about the whole more then just sex type relationship he says its something that will naturally happen if we see someone else for a long period of time and I Must be really honest I am the one who really wants the open marriage but also the one who may be somewhat insecure in a few areas. Lets call the husband honey bear (HB for Short) HB is a few years young then me which is a first in my life Ive always been attracted to men at least ten to 20 years my senior so there is the insecurity of him finding someone younger and then the BIG one is while we have 7 children (adoption and bio and one passed at age 12) I cant have any more and My fear is he will get someone pregnant and that fear causes a lot of anxiety when he talks about possibly dating someone I know that there is prevention but also know that it isn't 100 percent either..
My other concern is the ability to meet other people that will be open to our situation, like I said we live in a small town and have a pretty full plate as far as our time requirements from life at this point and scared that While I really want this type of lifestyle I haven't figured out how to mange it all. Do wish that there was some people in our area that shared our ideas may make this transition period much easier.
One more thing HB has offered in the past and again now that the marriage is open to have a vasectomy in order to fix the one big huge concern I have does anyone have any thoughts on whether that is right or wrong.
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Old 06-19-2012, 06:33 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Hey, wolcome. In regard to your question, I would say, that as long as it is his wish personally to have it, it's ok, as it is OK from both your point of view. If he is doing it solely because of your insecurity to get his way unprotected with women (another thing that you should talk about, safe sex should be a must) I doubt that this will work out long time and will never be held against you.

Generally you should work out some kind of common middle ground both of you can agree to, before you start with all of this. No one should have major concernes that he or she keeps sweeping under the rug. It doesn't sound like you already managed to do so, because there are so many uncertainties and worries on your mind still. I certainly know the small town problem, it just came up for us as well, even though in a more theoretical and indirect setting.

Wishing you luck and some peace of mind.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 06-21-2012, 03:55 PM
Joni Joni is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 6

Thanks the safe sexx we discussed in great detail before we reopend the marriage and it was one of hte boundaries but still freaks me out with the whole possiblity of an accidental pregancy. I think we are both in agreement that this is the best lifestyle "for lack of better word" for us,I Know we woud both love for it to be more open and have more involment from the others in our day to day life, if they turn inot longterm relationships it just is something that we will have ot figure it out as it comes
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