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Old 06-19-2012, 01:44 AM
jndmoore jndmoore is offline
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Default Get a grip?

Hello, my wife and I are pretty new at poly and somehow found ourselves a unicorn, we met a couple whom we both have fallen for, I like him, he likes me, the ladies like each other and the pairing is just perfect. The have 2 kids, we have 2 kids that get along amazingly and basically I could not ever expect to find a better set up than this.

Here is the problem, I grew up where my dad was a cheater and they got divorced and my stepdad was a 1950s stereotype where he is the man and my mom was there to serve him and he was pretty controlling (thankfully, never physically). Therefore I have grown up in a jealous, selfish world and I want to kick this so very bad. I knew going into this that there might be jealousy issues and there have, but I have faced each of them and come out better for it but I am having one issue where I am at a loss.

I don't WANT to share her, we have both fallen for our other partners and neither of us want them out of our lives at all, and being perfectly honest I am SO glad he makes her happy and that they fit so well. I know this is selfish and I don't want to feel this way but I can't seem to address this like the jealousy and move on, and I so badly want to.

No, I don't expect you all to give me an answer but any thoughts on the subject would be very helpful, maybe give me some perspective. I am reading "The Polyamorous Handbook" as well as searching the net but while I can find tons of stuff on jealousy not too much about selfishness. Thanks for any advice on this!
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:19 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Remember: You can't control her, and she is with you because she loves you.

Sharing partners expands love; one of the nicest experiences you can have is romantic empathy and seeing an outside view of your partner giving and receiving love. Give it a chance and let yourself see her with others. Permit a comfortable level of affection for you to see: Maybe hand-holding, snuggling, etc.

You may surprise yourself.
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:06 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jndmoore View Post
Hello, my wife and I are pretty new at poly and somehow found ourselves a unicorn, we met a couple whom we both have fallen for, I like him, he likes me, the ladies like each other and the pairing is just perfect. The have 2 kids, we have 2 kids that get along amazingly and basically I could not ever expect to find a better set up than this.
I don't see any unicorn in that description, so I'll guess that's just a misuse of the term.

As for dealing with the jealousy issues, I'll recommend writing out some exercises.

Write down a statement--as single sentence--of something that bugs you about what's going on. Then draw an arrow down and write a sentence that describes what the first one would mean. Then another arrow and another statement, and so on, until you've gotten a string of statements as to what that first means or leads to and can't go any further.

Then take a close look at each statement, beginning with the last, and criticize each one. Note how you're blowing things out of proportion or mindreading other people or otherwise creating mountains out of molehills.

Then write a direct response to each statement--and the responses can be as long as you care to write!

After you finish with it, set it aside for a day or two. Pick it back up and then see how you feel about the whole thing.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-19-2012, 08:27 PM
swingorpoly swingorpoly is offline
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It's perfectly natural to be jealous. It's what you do next that separates us. I find that every time my wife does something new, i go through a pattern. I freak out, get jealous, analyze, doubt, talk to my wife, understand the root of the problem, and usually ask her to take it slow for a bit. Then after i calm down i realize that what happened left me no worse, i still have my wife, she's still happy etc.... And then i make a decision not to be bothered by the offending action. Next time she does it it basically is a none isue....until something new. For me the major freakouts have been.


Being attracted to someone, First date, making out, sex, staying over, buying lingerie. I suppose the next one might be when she goes away for a weekend or falls in love....but the point is that when i look back i laugh at my insecurities. Going out for coffee!!!!???? Really, i freaked out over that? .

I think most jealousy comes down to fear of losing the other person. She kisses him. --> Maybe he's better --> Maybe she won't want to kiss me now --> then she'll leave me and i'll be all alone. The root of the problem is that you think you'll be alone, so you try and break the links thinking it's the way to prevent the worst from happening. Try to reroute it into a positive.

She'll kiss him --> he'll be really good --> she'll love me more for letting her or she'll be so turned on she's going to jump me or she'll be a happier person and we'll share in that happiness together. I prefer the last one...then i don't set myself up for an expectation....i have enjoyed the benefits though.

Take it slow but move forward towards yours and her happiness. Feed on the happiness and you'll be fine together.
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  #5  
Old 06-20-2012, 03:15 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
As for dealing with the jealousy issues, I'll recommend writing out some exercises...
Wow, thanks for that AutumnalTone. Sounds like a fine idea & not just for jealousy.
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