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  #11  
Old 06-19-2012, 02:59 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggerdatiger View Post
... my partner let me know that it should only be 1 person out of a couple that becomes the main contact....
How to best phrase this...

Horseshit.
Bollocks.
Codswaddle.

Talk to Dennis as often as you wish. Plan whatever you wish. Keep your partner in the loop and hash out things that need to be coordinated among the three of you. Expect your partner to do the same.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:04 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Thanks, CielDuMatin, PinkDragon, Pretzels, and dragonflysky! Your responses have emboldened me to bring it up that I should be able to have communication with Dennis, as well. It didn't make too much sense to only have 2 people communicating out of the 3, if 3 of us are going to meet up again... you make strong arguments to the contrary. I shouldn't be forbidden to have contact, open lines of communication are better, and if we're all communicating effectively, there wouldn't be complications in lines getting crossed... thanks!
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  #13  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:06 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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and also AutumnalTone... thanks for the advice... yeah, I'm celebrating my instinct on this... it didn't feel too good to be told I couldn't communicate with Dennis, as well...
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  #14  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:07 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Please come back here and update us as to how things go.

One of the major benefits of this forum is for people after the fact to read the stories and to learn from them - so often the "loop" never gets close,d and we never know how things turn out.
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  #15  
Old 06-19-2012, 05:09 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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I will do, for sure... resolution does indeed feel good... and sharing it with others who help you get there!
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  #16  
Old 07-03-2012, 11:03 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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So... to come back and post on how things happened (as promised), I ended up texting with Dennis. And I let my partner know that I had... he seemed a little taken aback, but I went down an informational road, letting him know that I let Dennis know we were excited to see him, etc. There didn't seem to be a question after that. It came up later on lightly tho, with another situation ('this is why one person should be the point person'), and I let my partner know this is why I'm reading books 'Ethical Slut' and others to get a grasp on how open relationships work best. He acquiesced to that, and allowed for me to share more on the topic, as with the books, I seemingly have more knowledge on the topic now...

In the end (with Dennis), he didn't follow up on our hookup (flaked), but then he followed up a week or so later again with my partner. He might be more into him than me, potentially. We're both 'eh' about it now. So, on to other things:

Now, along the lines of 'rules', I said from the beginning that I'm uncomfortable with my partner having someone over to spend the night for a hookup (we don't live together). He said he would rather have that as a 'suggestion', and not a rule, as he knows younger guys that don't have a car that take public transportation, and it would be more convenient if they spent the night. On one occasion, someone who he keeps mentioning, after a couple times of hooking up, spent the night. I didn't feel comfortable (as promised). My partner got annoyed that I got uncomfortable and said it was my own insecurities (I tend to agree, of course, but to some degree) and that my uncomfortable nature about it takes away from our relationship, as if I'm saying it's not strong enough to overcome such a thing. His interaction with the house-guest is apparently friendly and sexual, but not romantic. Of course there's cuddling and affection, and multiple times of sex along with jokes, laughs, etc... so it's hard for me to wrap my head around, I guess, thinking it's just a 'hookup'. I think the part that is most tough is that I'm sad that he doesn't seem to be concerned that I am uncomfortable ('I'm not feeding into your insecurities', he says). This is all so new to me (both of us) in having an open relationship, and it's been under a year. We've been open from the very start. I feel as though I've made leaps and bounds, and am working hard to try to process all of this stuff and look at why I'm having a tough time with it personally (jealousy/insecurity, etc.) but wish that my partner would be a little more sensitive.
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  #17  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
On one occasion, someone who he keeps mentioning, after a couple times of hooking up, spent the night. I didn't feel comfortable (as promised). My partner got annoyed that I got uncomfortable and said it was my own insecurities (I tend to agree, of course, but to some degree) and that my uncomfortable nature about it takes away from our relationship, as if I'm saying it's not strong enough to overcome such a thing.
Your partner is not holding up his end of the sticks. He's leaving you to flounder about with your feelings alone because what? He doesn't want to do the work of supporting/nurturing you?

Your having uncomfortable feelings is just emotional weather. Wind blows on through.

What takes away from relationship is lack of relating. Not the emotional winds, but HOW you choose to respond to it. He wants to respond by not responding. THIS is what weakens the relationship. How can you feel secure in relationship when there's not enough back and forth relating going on? You want to be heard and validated and he's not doing it.

Quote:
I think the part that is most tough is that I'm sad that he doesn't seem to be concerned that I am uncomfortable ('I'm not feeding into your insecurities', he says). This is all so new to me (both of us) in having an open relationship, and it's been under a year. We've been open from the very start. I feel as though I've made leaps and bounds, and am working hard to try to process all of this stuff and look at why I'm having a tough time with it personally (jealousy/insecurity, etc.) but wish that my partner would be a little more sensitive.

Again... I'm not hearing you screaming NO! I am hearing your articulating your right to support and your right to nurture as you process these new things in open relationship at a pace you can digest.

I'm not sure I hear you stating your wants, needs, and limits crystal clear TO YOUR PARTNER though. I heard "I feel... I wish" but I'm not reading "I TOLD my partner, I WROTE him a letter, I SPIT IT OUT last night that...."

Something like "Partner, heads up! I am not saying NO to open rship. I am saying I need time to get used to this at a pace where I can digest.
I need time with you to talk, air out. So can't you slow down on sleepovers for like a month and work with me on this? I'm not saying NO, I'm saying hear my need for support from you and nurture from you. You are shutting me down and leaving me to cope on my own because why?"

In relationship (whatever config) -- people have worth and dignity and it demands respect. You show it by holding up all your ends of the all the sticks.

You have...
  • The right to clear communication
  • The right to expect support from partner
  • The right to be nurtured
  • The right to get your needs met
  • The right to responsiveness
  • The right to constructive feedback (positive or negative. Critique, not criticism.)

You are...
  • Responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits (Other people are not mind readers!)
  • Responsible for following through on promises
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
  • Responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety
  • Responsible for emergency preparedness
  • Responsible for caring for your own equipment

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 01:17 AM.
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  #18  
Old 07-04-2012, 06:53 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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All of the below thoughts!
Having one person as the point of contact doesn't work in my opinion. Communication has to go all of the way around.
My husband wanted me to be the "point of contact" in regards to my boyfriend. It was a nightmare.
It's MUCH better to have everyone communicating honestly for themselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think all three of you communicating will be LESS confusing. Otherwise, you get into all that he said, they said, we said bullshit and crossed wires. There have been people here who had that kind of point person rule and it usually winds up feeling very oppressive to the person left out of the loop.

It's a pretty dumb idea if you ask me to only have one person in "the couple" talk to the person who is outside the couple. First of all, it separates you into a "Couple Plus One" mentality. But if you want a Triad, there are four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and A+B+C. I see no practical reason on earth to have rules about only one of you talking to him. What you all need to do is sit down together and make sure you are all on the same page about needs,wants, goals, etc., and then if you are all honest with each other and clear in your communications, it should work. Plus you can all Skype together or conference a call for all three of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by funeral0p0lis View Post
I'm going to second nycindie. Rules about who can and can't talk to someone outside the primary relationship, especially if the outside person was interested in both of you, seem silly.

Additionally, if I may be so bold, his question to you about why you would feel uncomfortable with him going on a Hawaii trip with someone the two of you met together seems at best misguided and at worst manipulative. It sounds like the two of you met Dennis recently, and given that your communications with him were limited, you really don't know that much about him. The question is why would you NOT feel uncomfortable with that situation?

Personally, this whole situation sounds kind of fishy, and I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable. I can't really suggest anything except to keep doing what you're doing: being open with him about your feelings, even if that is scary sometimes. Hopefully if you continue to do a good job of that (it sounds like you are), he will follow suit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
If you want to have a relationship with this person too, what right has your partner to stop that? He has no right to forbid you from contact, unless he is being selfish and trying to deny you something you obviously want.

In my opinion, poly relationships work FAR better when there is an open line of communication between all involved. When there are blocks to it, it opens it up to lots of miscommunication, either accidental or deliberate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
If there's any chance that all three of you will be involved with each other at some time, that I think it's essential that all 3 of you are communicating now! Yes, it can get complicated, but so can misunderstood 3rd party communication attempts! When I share a common friend with someone I don't expect the communication to occur only through one of us to the exclusion of direct communication with the other!

If your current partner thinks it should only be "1" person from the couple communicating, then maybe he should let you be the "1"
to do the communication for awhile since he's already had more time than have you to experience getting to know Dennis. (Something tells me this wouldn't go over too well, in which case I would suspect something else is going on here as you suggested, e.g. insecurity, selfishness, etc.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
How to best phrase this...

Horseshit.
Bollocks.
Codswaddle.

Talk to Dennis as often as you wish. Plan whatever you wish. Keep your partner in the loop and hash out things that need to be coordinated among the three of you. Expect your partner to do the same.
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  #19  
Old 07-05-2012, 05:16 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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Thanks GalaGirl for your advice... this is one of the reasons why I've posted in the forum, to have my feelings, thoughts, and instincts confirmed. I appreciate the encouragement to stand up for myself to be more supported and nurtured... if I do feel uncomfortable about something, I should at least have the understanding from my partner. I plan to be more communicative in this way (and already have) about a topic that came up last night. If you're familiar with the Meyers-Brigg personality test, we have learned so much about each other and how we're wired differently. On one side of the spectrum, I'm a strong 'feeler', and on the other side, my partner is a strong 'thinker'. As long as I can explain how I'm feeling and what might make me uncomfortable logically, he can get it. And he understands that I need more reassurance and needs to work on understanding the feeling aspect. We've talked about this before... it's an interesting puzzle to explain such stuff in a solid, logical way (for me) but I need to do that, and be direct, to get the desired results.
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  #20  
Old 07-05-2012, 05:17 PM
tiggerdatiger tiggerdatiger is offline
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And thanks, LovingRadiance. I'm in full agreement, and all the others really do echo the same sentiment (about making sure there's not just one point person). I'm glad that my partner seems to have a better understanding of this now...
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