New to poly

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Danny40179

JRM hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation.

I'm sorry guys, I realize I am wired differently than you but social conditioning and taught behaviour are not always the issue. I myself have similar thoughts and they are purely based on my monogamous nature. I have found ways to accept some personally troubling aspects of polyamory and enjoy my relationship. If I didn't love Redpepper so immensely I would run to the hills

I don't know if I will ever understand polyamory but I know it works and involves amazing people!

[Quath]

It sounds like you may need to do a "summing up" at the end of meeting. I find that works out well at work. I can't count how many times I heard:

Person 1: So we are agreed. Bob will write up the paper and Sue will start the testing.
Sue: What?

If it doesn't work, writing it down sounds like a good option.

As for sleeping arrangements, that is a tough one. I think you are doing well by keeping everyone talking.

[Mark1npt]

Quath...yes we're doing more talking and I've pushed a little more to get resolution of an issue by the end of the meeting if possible.....this helps us all 3 to know where we stand (without putting it in writing) and what we're gonna be doing, whether it's that night, the next day or whenever. I didn't really want to push on this. I felt a lot like Regis....(is that your final answer?) It seems to have solidified our relationship and eased tension quite a bit. Of course it helps when you have a super understanding wife who realizes how some of us are wired and how important it is to have answers now to enable the meshing of the 3 of us into the best "V" we can be.....there is so much love between the 3 of us....but misunderstandings can rob you or your partner(s) of opportunities to love and share life's important moments even more.

[Quath]

I think it can also be important that people feel they can try something without being held to it by some legal sounding agreement. I don't think a person should feel trapped by their decision to try something. I think a good approach is to keep all topics open for renegotiations if needed.

[openlove25]

Hey, had some spare time here at work. Here's a couple of websites and books that I googled.
http://www.kerista.com/poly.html
http://www.lovemore.com/
http://www.globalideasbank.org/site/...hp?ideaId=1032

Books:
Opening Up: Successful Polyamory

The Threesome Handbook: The Practical
Guide to Sleeping with three.

[Lemondrop]

Mark1npt--as for writing things down, yes, poly people do that sometimes. For some of us, it's easier. It's not necessary for others. But my opinion is, you do what it takes to make everyone happy, because that's essential to your happiness too.

I've been reading a lot. I thought that The Ethical Slut and Opening Up sounded hokey (sorry, but it's true) and wouldn't apply to me, but I have found both books to be helpful. I'm blown away by Dossie Easton (The Ethical Slut) and find any books where she is part of the writing team to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. I really think that you should at least take a look at The Ethical Slut--it definitely gave me a better understanding of what was "normal" and "acceptable" in a poly relationship, and most importantly for me! gave me some reassurance that I'm allowed to have feelings, even when they're not mature or secure or enlightened.

[Mark1npt]

Thanks Lemondrop......yes it does have a hokey sounding title, but I may have to break down and get a copy for us all to read. Thanks for your input.

[MonoVCPHG]

Hey, where have you been my friend?

[Mark1npt]

Hey Mono my brother.......been busy with work and of course since I'm now poly, I have twice the honey-do list! Been thru a bit if a war the past week. Thought my wife had finally asked for the divorce neither one of us really wanted, but alas, cooler heads prevail and we all 3 realized we're so much better off together than we would be alone. It's so silly, there's not even a crumb of a doubt as to how much we all 3 love eachother.

[MonoVCPHG]

Glad to hear you pulled through Mark Sorry to hear about your honey-do list however!! I think everyone goes through those moments of doubt in the ability to hold it together, but it never does seem to be about how much love there is...it can be a rollercoaster for sure! Luckily the huge dips in my own ride seem to have settled. Take care my friend