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  #21  
Old 05-12-2009, 06:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Does anyone else live this way and survive healthy and happy?
I certainly hope so as I would like this for myself one day....
I am inspired that you are living it and appreciate your sharing. I hope you are finding the support you are seeking.
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  #22  
Old 05-12-2009, 12:17 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Thanks, Red.....this forum has been very helpful thus far. I am about to introduce the rest of the group to it. I'm sure they (being the women in this arrangement) will have their own questions and input.
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  #23  
Old 05-14-2009, 05:04 PM
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Hi Mark. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!! I read your posts to my wife and she agreed with me. You all have to be COMPLETELY open and honest with each other. You should have a big ole pow wow with both of them, and have a "family" meeting. Air any concerns and discuss them.

When we started in the lifestyle we had a lot of hard times. A LOT!! We worked through them all by simply talking. I think a lot of people take that for granted. And when I say talk, I mean be completely honest with each other. No holds barred kinda thing. There are going to be some arguments and some hurt feelings, but shouldn't be anything that you guys after such a long and loving marriage can't recover from.

Good luck and please feel free to ask ANY specific questions. I wish I had a resource like this when we started out!
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  #24  
Old 05-14-2009, 08:00 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Danny, thanks for the nice words....we have been talking more and more the last few weeks. It has done wonders for the 3 of us. There has been some crying and some laughing. We are all understanding the relationship better and growing more comfortable with it. My wife has always been the traditional kind of woman so this is definately asking a lot of her. She has been about as understanding as a wife could be and we are all trying to work through our various feelings.

I know most women would not be able to embrace this scenerio at all. I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her. Being lefthanded and somewhat of a contrarian in my views has made it much easier for me to embrace this relationship because it feels naturally more "right" to me. I know it must be hard for a spouse to hear this let alone accept it, but it is the truth. Hopefully we can continue to make this path work....
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  #25  
Old 05-14-2009, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her.
I think the problem isn't with you, but with the culture which has told us all our lives that to really love someone that love has to be exclusive. This results in people thinking "Aren't I good enough four you?"... "Aren't I enough for you?"

All you have to do is honestly say "You're much better than good enough for me!, but I don't believe my ability and desire to love others is a comment about you, suggesting your inadequacy. It's a comment on my ability and need to love other/s, also."
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  #26  
Old 05-14-2009, 08:44 PM
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JRM hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation. I love the way JRM suggested how to go about approaching that type of comment.
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  #27  
Old 05-14-2009, 08:52 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Thanks guys.....nice to know others have been there and done that.
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  #28  
Old 05-14-2009, 08:53 PM
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You can call me James. That's what's on my birth certificate. You may also call me River, which is the name I chose for myself.

Lately, I prefer to be called River. But most folks know me as James. Some time soon I may ask everyone to start switching to calling me River. I'm a little anxious about that process. Oh well.
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  #29  
Old 05-14-2009, 09:41 PM
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River it is. :-D
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  #30  
Old 05-17-2009, 04:46 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Ok guys, new problem...I apologize in advance for it's length but felt the details needed to be conveyed......I have a wife in the bedroom downstairs and my other is in bed upstairs.....here I am at midnight on a perfectly good Saturday night tapping away on this keyboard.......instead of making love to one of these beautiful women.

Why is it the more we communicate, the more confused everyone seems to become? Last week our 3rd, my secondary (and btw, I really don't like that term) was having a rough week emotionally. It was centered around her not having her fair share of time (evenings upstairs alone) with me. She also revealed that not knowing which evenings were "ours" increased her anxiety levels, affected her sleep, etc. All valid points. Of course my wife has some of these same anxieties.

We all 3 talked for quite a while.....I thought we came away from that meeting with the understanding that every other night would be my others. I thought that,...... my other thought that.....problem was my wife never got that memo, or maybe just didn't hear it. How?.... I still don't know. It made for an awkward next night where my wife and I spent some quality time with family and that evening I went upstairs as I expected as it was my "others" night. I could tell my wife was taken aback by that, but I thought and my other thought that was the agreement.

The next day became increasingly awkward. Things deteriorated and another meeting was held wherein my wife stated she didn't know we had come to this agreement. She was distant and upset. She thought we were still going to take things slow and let the nights fall where they may rather than sticking to a firm plan. I know we didn't come away from that meeting with having solved the issue permanently but I thought we all decided to sort of scrap the plan for now and go back to playing it by ear every night. Somehow, this was the feeling my other got from the meeting also.

Now my other is stating she can't deal with not knowing which nights are hers and to just let her know when my wife and I sort it out. (she is very fearful of hurting my wife, her best friend) She feels torn at hurting my wife and torn at not knowing which nights are hers. She doesn't handle this type of emotional strife well...but who does?

To top it off, as my wife was going to bed tonight, she was surprised that I joined her since she somehow thought tonight was my assigned night upstairs. As Lewis Black would say, bah......wah-wah-wah-what?

Are we gonna have to put agreements like these down on paper , sign off and have them notorized from now on? Do poly people really do that? How can 2 out of 3 people come away with certain info from a meeting and the
3rd, not? Is the 3rd just blocking everything out as a defense mechanism? Right now, I'd just like one of the girls tell me where I'm supposed to sleep at night......

Last edited by Mark1npt; 05-17-2009 at 04:49 AM.
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