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  #11  
Old 06-16-2012, 02:23 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Part of me agrees that while she's in a fragile state, this may not be the best move for her... but part of me also says that she's a grown-up and should be allowed to make her own mistakes.

In other words, what right do I have to make those decisions for her? If this is a bad move on her part, it's her bad move to make. I truly don't think she would ever turn around and blame him if it ended up messing with her head or something. It's not like he's taking advantage of her, she wants this probably more than he does.

[...]

I think it's basically that I don't want us to get caught in any kind of turmoil. My husband has an excellent sense of where people are at psychologically, so if he thinks it would be fine then it probably would be... but I keep bringing up things to which he responds "hmm, I didn't think of that" so I'm not sure he's thought through all the possibilities...
I think this is you having the right to make the decision for YOU. It doesn't just affect her, your husband, or her healing process. It affects all three of you and her healing process. Sure, having a safe FWB situation may be just what she needs right now, but that doesn't mean it has to be with your husband that could cause lasting change in the dynamic between you and her, her and him, and all three of you (I'm guessing it probably wouldn't change much between you and him unless it changes YOUR view on HIS sex with others).

Personally, I tend to trust my gut when it comes to sexual situations. When I feel like something bad could happen, I avoid it to avoid whatever negative consequence I foresee happening. I would rather miss out on a little bit of sexual gratification than deal with the potential loss of a good relationship with a friend.
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  #12  
Old 06-16-2012, 02:29 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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While I think there's a place for therapeutic escorts, I question if it's a good idea for someone who has such a personal relationship with her to do that. Coming out of a monogamous abusive relationship doesn't seem like the best time to start sleeping with a best friend's husband - It's bound to get everyone looking at the past, present, and future with a microscope.

If she can work through her issues and be totally open and honest, I say go for it. It sounds like before she can do this, she'll have to work on her relationship with you.
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  #13  
Old 06-16-2012, 05:28 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I've allowed my self to admit that I'm really not comfortable with this. I've been trying to rationalize it, tell myself that it's just normal jealousy that I can deal with... but I don't think it is. This is my best friend. She's been my friend for 14 years. That's much different from some random chick he meets at a bar. It's not even about damaging the relationship, although that's also a factor.

At the end of the day, I think I feel that it's not fair of them to ask this of me. I feel like I'm being put in a tight spot, where I'm putting pressure on myself to agree to something deep down feels wrong.

Like many of you said, I have to trust my gut. First, that required really acknowledging what my gut is telling me, and that it's not just being selfish or squeamish or irrational, but that it's trying to tell me that this is not a good road to go down.

What I haven't mentioned here, and was downplaying to myself all day, is that this woke me up at least twice last night. Previous times when I've dealt with jealousy or uncomfortable feelings about my husband's penis in another woman's vagina, it's never had such a visceral, physical reaction such as the knots in my stomach or waking up thinking about it. I need to let myself acknowledge that my body knows something my brain won't admit, and I need to go with it.

Thanks for everyone's input.
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  #14  
Old 06-16-2012, 05:53 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I think your friend may need to work on some self-healing BEFORE getting involved in any type of male-female relationship again. If she doesn't, rather than being helpful it could actually get in the way of her working through her healing process. Sometimes we have to feel the aloneness...the emptiness...to start to deal with it. If we jump right into another relationship...even of a different nature...we can allow ourselves to be "distracted" by the dynamics of the relationship and not have to focus on ourselves.

One doesn't typically go to a friend for "therapy" of most any kind. I'm a therapist...a damn good one if I do say so myself! But, I don't have my family or friends come to me for therapy. I might make suggestions or share thoughts if asked, but the deep work of therapy requires an objectivity and distancing that doesn't work well within personal relationships. And I don't depend on myself when I need therapy....I go to someone else...and NOT one of my friends who are therapists no matter how good they are.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 06-16-2012 at 06:00 AM.
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  #15  
Old 06-16-2012, 06:31 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
I think your friend may need to work on some self-healing BEFORE getting involved in any type of male-female relationship again.
One doesn't typically go to a friend for "therapy" of most any kind.
I may have overblown the "therapeutic" aspect of their relationship. More than anything, it's been friendship, support, and literal protection... and then the sexual attraction developed.

But I couldn't agree more that she needs to deal with her trauma before getting into a relationship. However, she's always been one of those people who poopoos therapy and just pretends her problems don't exist, hoping they'll go away. It's been painful watching her go through things, knowing that there are ways she could handle it so that she would heal. But at the end of the day, you have to accept that your friends are going to do what they're going to do, and you can't nag them into making the "right" choices.

My girlfriend came over to support me last night, and she prompted me to get to the bottom of my gut feeling. Not so that I could overcome it, but so that I could understand it. We talked a lot about it, and it became clear that the biggest thing that bothered me was the fact that both my husband and best friend were so adamant that there was no way feelings could develop between them if they had sex. I just think that's naive. Since they both refused to admit (to themselves) that it was at least a remote possibility, they certainly had no plan in place to deal with it if that happened.
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  #16  
Old 06-16-2012, 06:38 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
But at the end of the day, you have to accept that your friends are going to do what they're going to do, and you can't nag them into making the "right" choices....
So very, very true!
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  #17  
Old 06-16-2012, 08:44 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
...it became clear that the biggest thing that bothered me was the fact that both my husband and best friend were so adamant that there was no way feelings could develop between them if they had sex. I just think that's naive. Since they both refused to admit (to themselves) that it was at least a remote possibility, they certainly had no plan in place to deal with it if that happened.
Your instincts are really pointing you to something important. I believe that if one says never, ever, ever *blank* will happen or I will never, ever feel *blah* and *blah*, well that is just inviting the universe to mess things up. What we fear the most, what we won't face directly, well that invariably bites us on teh ass. This is a good reason to put the brakes on this particular possibility, as well as what others have said about her vulnerability right now.
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  #18  
Old 06-19-2012, 07:35 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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I would humbly suggest that your relationship with your bestie needs work. Throughout the thread, I haven`t gotten the sense of why she`d be your best friend at all. What do you admire about her? So far, she sounds like a nightmare.

I`ll throw in my vote that the "therapeutic" angle sounds like a douchey excuse from two people who just want to fuck. That being said, I`m not into vetoing partners from having sex. But, I do not know what agreements you have in place with your live-in partner.
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  #19  
Old 06-19-2012, 11:20 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Who said anything about a veto? A veto agreement grants partners the right to end relationships or disallow activities. That's completely different from when the partner specifically asks you how you feel about something that could potentially affect a friendship that pre-exists the marriage by a decade. I call that respecting one another's wishes. It's not just semantics. One is "I'm allowed to do this, only if you say I'm allowed." The other is "I love you and I trust your judgement. I believe that you will not behave selfishly just to avoid having icky feelings."

This thread was about me getting to the bottom of my feelings and whether or not I approve. You can't tell me that you never disapprove of any choices your partners make. Well you can, but I'll call you a liar.

My husband is a free man with his own agency. I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't. And he wouldn't have married me if he thought I was a petty and jealous bitch. So when I say that I have a really bad gut feeling about something, he trusts that it's not a manipulation or avoidance of icky feelings. I've experienced plenty of icky feelings throughout our journey, and have grown from them every time. I don't shy away from icky feelings just because they're icky.

I also know the difference between icky feelings and gut feelings, though sometimes I'm stubborn about actually listening to myself. As I've evidenced here, I tend to err on the side of assuming they're just icky feelings that I can deal with. Only after much deliberation did I realize it was more significant.


As for why we're friends, like with all my best relationships, there's no quantifiable reason. We met in high school and have always been close. It's one of those friendships where you can just pick up the phone after months and it's like you haven't missed a day. And although it's taken 15 years and this ordeal to realize it, we really can tell each other anything. Our communication has already started to improve. I do agree that our relationship needs some work, and this experience has actually ignited that process.

I don't walk out on my friends just because they have issues. Isn't that exactly the thing that makes it friendship? Had she been a mere acquaintance, I wouldn't have given two shits about her potential broken heart.


I thought I'd addressed the therapeutic angle, but I probably wasn't clear. They never denied that they just wanted to fuck. They both admit that it's primarily a matter of convenience. My husband also felt that she could benefit from the release with someone safe. My friend denied any therapeutic benefits that she could think of, except possibly proving to herself that her ex was full of shit when he said no one else would want her.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #20  
Old 06-19-2012, 01:29 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Totally agree with you about the difference between veto and asking someone's opinion. I am very glad that you have that dialogue going for you. The fact that this has increased the closeness between you and your friend is also a great thing, for sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I thought I'd addressed the therapeutic angle, but I probably wasn't clear. They never denied that they just wanted to fuck. They both admit that it's primarily a matter of convenience. My husband also felt that she could benefit from the release with someone safe. My friend denied any therapeutic benefits that she could think of, except possibly proving to herself that her ex was full of shit when he said no one else would want her.
I just really feel that it could do more harm than good.

I have had friends who struggled to feel desirable, so I have had second-hand experience of what that is like. The problem is that the mind-games can be played when you are self-doubting. Even if you have sex with someone, your mind goes to "yeah, but that was just a sympathy fuck, he didn't really WANT to."

The main thing is that it seems like you are all thinking about it, which means you will reach a well-considered decision about what to do.
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