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Old 06-15-2012, 10:50 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default Contingency plan

This refers to this thread but I want to separate the "whether" from the "what if."

Basically, I need to think about what potential consequences this can have, and what tools we can use to cope with them. We're entering completely uncharted territory for all of us, so we don't have experience to draw on.

I'll summarize the situation, but there are lots of pertinent details in the other thread.

My best friend is coming out of an abusive relationship and my husband is staying with her for protection. She lives a province over, and he's working out of town an hour from where she lives. A sexual attraction has developed between them, but neither wants to pursue a romantic relationship. They just want convenience sex.

What tools exist to deal with the potential fallouts from this? Specifically, that her head could get more messed up than it already is; that the "knight in shining armour" effect could make her develop feelings she's not planning to have; that if things "get weird" then it could carry into our friendship.
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Old 06-15-2012, 11:00 PM
PolyGamerGirl PolyGamerGirl is offline
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The friendship hit is a big concern that should definitely be examined.

Are you close to each other? Would you be hurt if the relationship fell apart? If you and she are practically sisters than is the risk of that ending worth the benefit to your relationship?

Sex is never just sex in my opinion. But if there isn't any long term plans for the sexual relationship to go on, then it might manage.

Another thing I notice is that you don't think your husband has the mental stamina to do this. I would personally talk with him. If he seems like he's suffering mental fatigue (in YOUR opinion), then I would personally voice my concerns with that.

If everything goes on and things do progress to a sexual relationship. Prepare for the backlash, no just from your friend, but also your husband. Your relationship may be sturdy now but under the stress of the long trip to work, having to be her knight, the development of a sexual relationship, his lack of personal time to focus on himself.

All of those things for me would suggest that a sexual relationship is a bad idea. Though I am simply an outsider of course and I can't know specific details or get all sides of the story.

Your friend should be able to make her own mistakes even if she is in a fragile mindset? I personally found that a little indifferent to the relationship you have with her. You should also be concerned with the effect this will have upon her as practically sisters even more so.

This was just an opinion of a probably inexperienced person but I hope things work out well.
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Old 06-16-2012, 01:36 AM
Autumn Autumn is offline
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I am concerned about your friend's emotional well being. She has been a victim of domestic violence, and I understand that she continues to feel unsafe and victimized.

There is also lots of evidence that the risk to physical safety increases during separations or when a partner leaves the relationship. You are all worried about that given your boyfriend is with her...and for good reason.

Some would say,"she's an adult and can make her own mistakes" or " who am I to tell her that sex with your support base might not be easy therapy without other unwanted consequences." but she is vulnerable and surviving trauma.

Sounds like what she needs is time to heal, learn to feel feel safe emotionally and physically. Fucking her is weird therapy, even if that is what she thinks she wants. You doubt her self awareness with good reason. She is someone who has been traumatized and is a sensitive space and unlikely to have full clarity. I think that offering emotional and practical support would be best right now. Maybe keeping some clear boundaries, and recommending professional counseling support would be best.

Separating, let alone in the context of fear and violence, is enough to deal with. Sex with friends, poor communication, trying to feel better after a shitty relationship..all sounds like a recipe for a lot of heartache.

Sounds like you both care deeply for her safety and well being and for your friendship. Best of lucky navigating this situation.
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Old 06-16-2012, 05:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyGamerGirl View Post
Your friend should be able to make her own mistakes even if she is in a fragile mindset? I personally found that a little indifferent to the relationship you have with her. You should also be concerned with the effect this will have upon her as practically sisters even more so.
I didn't think of it that way, but you have a point. It's one thing to stand by and watch someone do something, knowing they won't listen to you anyway if you try to stop them. It's another thing entirely to enable it and in so doing, condone it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Autumn View Post
Sounds like what she needs is time to heal, learn to feel feel safe emotionally and physically. Fucking her is weird therapy, even if that is what she thinks she wants.
I agree, I shared this same initial reaction. I don't think it's what's best for her, and I don't think either one of them is in a position to objectively make that decision. They both want the sex, and as much as my husband thinks he understands and has been in a similar situation (the mother of his daughter is not very different from my friend's ex, both masters of psychological manipulation), I don't agree with their idea of treatment.
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Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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