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  #11  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!
Hey LVFCS,

I'm a little fuzzy on the above quote. Maybe having a "slow" moment ?

Not sure who the "They" is referring to in this context - "they" being him & her - or "they" being moments ? ("they" become sexual)

But assuming that the "they" is him & her and that you are uncomfortable with the whole 3 way sex part - or being a forced observer, (even if no F/F play is included) then you should definitely just express your discomfort. And we hope it would be respected !

On a second note also, and I hope THIS is something all 3 of you can have a nice discussion on, beds are not ONLY for sex ! As I suspect many here can echo, when there is that deep love between people, all cuddling up sleeping and waking up together is a very special pleasure. Especially for the hinge. It's a shame to have to forgo that simple pleasure because sex interferes with it. Maybe you can work out some sex alternatives that will leave room for that close cuddle time. At least it would be something I would shoot for.

GS
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2010, 05:26 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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LVFC-

The best piece of advice I can give you is that you must identify what YOU want in life-what makes YOU the best person you can be and then make all of your choices based on that criteria.

Easy read on that topic-

"The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly.

If you do that, you will find that some relationships go the way of the past, but the relationships you make and keep will be tailored to meeting your needs (AND THEIRS-because you will be looking for and attracting people who have healthy and SIMILAR goals/desires).

There are many people I COULD hook up with. I've had offers, people who find me attractive, not just in looks, but in personality.

BUT no matter the depth of our interest, if the situation and the "criteria" to quote Mono don't match, I choose not to go that far.

EVEN my boyfriend. His idea of a primary relationship does not currently meet my criteria. So he's NOT. I love him-I'm with him, I'm not trying to delude myself into believing he's replacable.
But I'm also not trying to force either of us to be primaries to each other-because without the criteria meshing-it will only cause pain for one or both of us.

Sounds like it's high time for you to identify your true needs and then set some specifications down for yourself.
You may find that when you are willing to expect people to meet your criteria for a relationship AS WELL as expecting yourself to meet their criteria-that they do.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2010, 04:12 PM
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LVSC, Your post makes me kind of shudder. I immediately envision you being trapped in your situation by two people that are giving you ultimatums in order for you to feel worthy. You can't ever have sex with him alone, can't ever have your own bed or share intimate time with him? and are being forced to sleep with a woman when you are straight? woah!

I am hoping that they aren't forcing you to be a unicorn, but that is how it read to me.

I will assume that this has all come about largely because of lack of communication. Are you, or have you told them that you require different circumstances to them? Have you put your foot down in a gentle way and said, this is what I need to see happen in order to feel comfortable and happy with the two of you? If you have been, are they listening? Do they blow you off? Are you putting your foot down enough? Even in the moment when he reaches over to her and you are next to them, are you speaking up that you are uncomfortable?

If I were him in the "V" that you are in (and it is a "V" if you are not interested in her more than just a friend) and I found out that my SO was not telling me they were uncomfortable I would be devastated and so apologetic. and frankly a little angry too as I have the expectation that they will communicate with me even when it's hard. The thought that I was "making" anyone do anything is so disturbing to me. Who the hell am I that I should think I can enforce my will on others for my own desire. It's entrapment your situation, if they are in fact "making" you do these things...

I assume you are a grown woman that has just as many rights as I do or they do or anyone on here, or anyone has.... I think it's time to think this way and act this way.... if they object and there are really no ways to find a common ground or goal then move on. Find people who will respect your right to be happy, healthy and loved in the ways that make you special...

Sorry it this comes across strongly, but I am a big advocate to those who are not being treated as they should be in my eyes... I am doing my best to assume these people have just been mislead by you and some communication on your part will make things better for you... I sincerely hope that that is the case.
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  #14  
Old 04-11-2010, 12:45 AM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Please, dont shudder redpeper. There's a lot I've left out on the post and to get to this situation we all had our share of blame. My biggest mistake was waiting for things to change because it was hinted on their part it will and because I thought it would get better with the passing of time.

It has not, in fact IMO this was the core of many problems in the relationship.

We all started this relationship not knowing what it was that we were doing and we continued stumbling on the dark. So I assumed it was all a growing process, waiting for comfort levels to grow.

I thought with time she would grow comfortable with the idea, and I would have the space for intimacy that him and I needed to make our relationship grow. She stated that she needs to be involved in all the sexual aspects for the relationship to work for her.

I agree with you GroundedSpirit, beds are not only for sex. And yes the cuddling and sleeping and waking together was very special indeed. But he feels that he would miss the wholeness of us all, he'll be limited to express himself and he doesnt want the whole separate beds rutine.

In conclussion, we all have different needs that wont be met if we continue together. Of course knowing this doesnt make it a tiny bit easier for me.

We will go in separate ways, we have started the separation already. But it hurts you know? I love him, and I miss him so freaking much.

Sometimes knowing what is best for you, doesnt make you feel it's right.
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  #15  
Old 04-11-2010, 02:42 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
Please, dont shudder redpeper. There's a lot I've left out on the post and to get to this situation we all had our share of blame. My biggest mistake was waiting for things to change because it was hinted on their part it will and because I thought it would get better with the passing of time.
Damn, this is a shame LVFCS !

I think everyone thinks (or hopes) that things will "change" with time. Because as a general rule - that's true. Time does seem to change everything.

But how much time is reasonable ? That's a grey area. And how much pain and discomfort one can endure while waiting is variable.

Obviously she still either has a fear of what true intimacy between you and him might mean to their relationship OR she is just one of these Type A control freaks. She struggles with the idea of not having her finger on the control lever.

Each of those possibilities requires a different transformation. Maybe if you knew which it was, it would shed light on what kind of time (if ever) would be anticipated and what might be needed to help the process.

But if you've endured this as long as possible, then it's understandable. And yes it hurts, but with that is an acknowledgment that we can't control the world - only ourselves

GS
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  #16  
Old 04-14-2010, 02:41 AM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Default feeling miserable

this is probably not the best moment to post, and I apologyze to those who hate tears. Last time I said we had decided to go separate ways, well, the separate ways became a let's stay friends. I've been crying the past half hour because I dont know how to be friends with him. I miss him, and being honest, any interaction with him doesnt feel 'friendly' like. Now, you must ask, why are you doing that to yourself? Because I dont want to lose him complete and I dont want to lose their friendship. These people were friends, very good and dear friends before we started as a V. So of course it's easy to stay friends with her, because that's all we've been. But I dont know what to do with him. In true, I dont know what to do here. I am even considering that if we tried again... I dont know.

Any advice on breaking up in a V?
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  #17  
Old 04-14-2010, 07:59 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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For me, the easiest way to be friends with someone that I was in love with, and whom it hurts to see as a non-lover, is to spend some time not seeing them at all, and let the wounds heal. The time frame is different for everyone and every situation, but it's taken me anywhere from a couple months to a couple years to "get over" them.

This doesn't mean "losing" them as a friend. If the chemistry for friendship is there, it will still be there in a year. But right now, it's probably too hard to be around him without being "with" him.

The cliche about time healing all wounds sticks around because it's true. And some wounds can be healed by nothing BUT time.

In the meantime, have some rebound-flings, try not to fall in love for a little while, and just focus on you and making your life as positive as possible.
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  #18  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I've retained some level of friendship with every ex I have. I hold no animosity for ANY of them.

The most difficult transition (for me) I did as schroedinger suggested-except that I sent a card for their birthday, fathers day, christmas.
I do that for my friends-so I did it for this person. I didn't call, I didn't go hang out.

The easiest ones-well they are easy so it needs no explanation yes?

The hardest thing for me has been explainging to NEW partners that when I say, "this is my friend Kelly" I am not being decietful. YES Kelly is my exboyfriend. YES we spent damn near 4 years together. BUT NOW Kelly is my friend. Period.
Now-don't get me wrong, I make sure from the get go that the partner knows who this person is in full-neither Maca or GG were EVER unaware that Kelly was my ex-boyfriend.
But if we're "out and about" with Kelly-I don't introduce him as my ex to other people. Because he's my friend. I introduce him as who he is to me NOW.
I find that doing that helps concrete his role in my mind too-if I keep saying "ex" when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our dating relationship. When I keep saying FRIEND when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our FRIENDSHIP relationship.
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  #19  
Old 04-14-2010, 09:39 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
........... Last time I said we had decided to go separate ways, well, the separate ways became a let's stay friends. .........

Any advice on breaking up in a V?
Well Sweetie,
If you think about it, "friends" would only be what one would expect- right ? I mean, all 3 of you were important people in each others lives. That fact that everything couldn't be tweaked to fit everyone's personal dream/vision - well it just happens sometimes. That doesn't lessen what you did have.

As hard as it is (and it IS very hard) it seems the objective would be to rise to the occasion - show strength and maturity - exhibit the characteristics that YOU would admire in someone else were the shoe on another foot.
With respect in place you can never tell what the future holds.

And I agree with the others who said time is the only solution. And lots of tears. Tears shed not so much for what WAS, but what we dreamed could be.

GS
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  #20  
Old 04-15-2010, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But if we're "out and about" with Kelly-I don't introduce him as my ex to other people. Because he's my friend. I introduce him as who he is to me NOW.
I find that doing that helps concrete his role in my mind too-if I keep saying "ex" when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our dating relationship. When I keep saying FRIEND when I reference him-my mind thinks of the aspects of our FRIENDSHIP relationship.
That's a really good point, LR. Our minds are incredibly easy to reprogram, if we take the time and effort. I had never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense.

I don't refer to people as "my ex" either because it makes it seem like "ex" is some kind of relationship it its own right, and I don't think it is. If it's applicable, I'll say that we used to date or that he's a "previous boyfriend" (which seems different in my mind from "ex"). A part of me still loves everyone I've ever loved, although obviously the passion died away, and most of my previous lovers can still arouse "those" feelings inside of me, but then so does the cute girl in my thermo class, so that's no big deal :P
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