Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-12-2012, 03:19 PM
poeticwatcher poeticwatcher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Question Poly woman in relationship with Mono-leaning Man

First post of a long time lurker. Some brief details about myself. I have a partner I live with (life-long commitment thing). Two male lovers. And a couple I am cuddle & rope play partners with. I am involved in the local Kink/ BDSM community, my main interest is rope bondage.

So, the situation I am in... One of my lovers is a mono-leaning man, I met him through the local rope group in March and struck up a conversation with him shortly after via Fetlife. We spent a lot of time talking. As he wants to explore the dominant side of his personality, and I identify as a submissive or bottom to some degree, we came to an agreement to explore rope bondage and a few other aligning BDSM interests. Some of those interests are sexual in nature (which for brief clarity, I personally define as acts which involve sexual genital in some fashion and/or orgasms).

(approximately one month later) When this gentleman and I agreed to start as relationship as Top (him) and bottom (myself), he mentioned that there is a young woman he's been attracted to for quite some time and while he had not yet had the gumption to approach her and ask if she feels the same way (ie: pursuing a relationship), he said that such might occur in the future. Which I without much questioning at the time said I was groovy with.

Well, about three weeks ago, he finally had the gumption to lay out all his feelings to this woman, ask her to give it some thought and get back to him on if she felt the same way or not. He told me the same day that depending upon her answer, the amount of interaction in our relationship may change. Specifically in the sense that, if this woman is interested in a monogamous relationship, all sexually related play inbetween myself and this gentleman will end. That is his feelings on the matter, and he has not indicated a desire to champion or fight for the sexual side of our relationship.

He has told this woman about his involvement in the Kink/ BDSM community and that he has a Top/bottom relationship with myself in terms of rope bondage, but has not yet shared with her that there is a sexual component to our interactions. He is of the opinion that it is none of her business until she indicates that she is indeed interested in pursuing a relationship with him, at which point, they will discuss monogamy vs polyamory and he will inform her of the fact that his interactions with me do currently include sexual ones.

I feel like I am in some bizarre flip-flop of the whole 'veto concept' that many newly open relationships try to (foolishly?) carry as one of the rules.

I understand I can not change other people. I see my options as thus:

(a) end the relationship with my Top entirely
(b) end all sexual interactions with my Top; and fall back on those interactions that while intimate (imho) and requiring of large amounts of trust are not inherently sexual
(c) continue relationship as is, enjoy what can be enjoyed, salvage fallout if fallout should occur.

I am not really fond of option (a); as it may turn out this woman has no interest in pursuing a relationship with my Top at all... or she may be cool with polyamory, I do not know. I have not met her. And I am not sure if my Top has broached even just the topic of polyamory with her-- I am inclined to believe he has not yet.

I am not really sure what to choose in between options (b) and (c)... I really enjoy the sexual interactions that have happened; if they stopped and this woman is not interested, maybe they could be resumed... ???

(sorry for TL;DR) Any advice would appreciated... I definitely feel like I got on the bizarro train somewhere. I think I finally understand why some polyamorous people say they won't date other poly or poly-leaning people...
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-12-2012, 08:19 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,271
Default

Hi and welcome,

Have you bounced this problem off your life partner and all the other play partners. What do they think?

How often do you see this guy vs the others ?

What's the downside of waiting to see what happens ?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-12-2012, 09:33 PM
poeticwatcher poeticwatcher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by poeticwatcher View Post
I think I finally understand why some polyamorous people say they won't date other poly or poly-leaning people...
Clearly my proofreading skills fail, that should read "...why some poly people say they ONLY date other..." Apologies if that caused confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Have you bounced this problem off your life partner and all the other play partners. What do they think?

How often do you see this guy vs the others ?

What's the downside of waiting to see what happens ?
I have spoken to my other partners; of note maybe: most of them have all met at one point or another and are on friendly terms. The general response has been, they are concerned because they can tell this bothers me on some level; most have suggested they support options (b) or (c), whichever I ultimately choose. The poly couple who are cuddle-rope partners think that it's a bit cruel that he will only fight to keep parts of the relationship, but we all have agreed, there in lies the potential rub of a poly person having a relationship with a monogamous person.

I see my Top on Sunday afternoons & it has been worked out/ agreed upon that I stay overnight with him Sunday. Some weeks, I'll get out of the house and see him for a few hours one weekday.

I see my other lover once or twice a week, usually between the hours of noon & 4pm (as he works 3rd shift, and I head home about the time my partner is getting off first-shift work).

I see one or both of the poly couple once or twice a week, depending on all of our schedules.

There has not been to my knowledge any complaints about time spent, and I am pretty consist (I think/ hope) about keeping communication open.

Potential downside to waiting: Fallout if it indeed happens, not that I am afraid I will not survive. Been through plenty of breakups, pretty confident I will live. Only other downside is I deal with anxiety and my brain likes to stew over unknowns and what-ifs. I recognize that, so I'm just trying to decide what the most realistic / best course of action is.

I genuinely enjoy the time I spend with my Top, it's when I am away from him and in private moments with my own thoughts that I feel like I am in bizarro world.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-13-2012, 06:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,271
Default

It sound like if he were to decide to withdraw the relationship or just the sexual aspects that it wouldn't leave a huge hole in you schedule. It sounds like you divide your time very equally. Perhaps if it were to happen 1 or all could step up and fill in that gap ...perhaps rotate that Sunday time slot.


The options sound like trying to preempt the pain of being dumped or dropped.


In a poly mindset isnt he just gravitating toward something you can't give him.....his need for more than one day a week....his need for a gf. Maybe reframe it like that .....you aren't fulfilling all his needs ....you can't by nature of your other relationships and schedule.....and he's made the calculation on the loss vs gain ...for him. What about compersion?
I'd enjoy the time you have and be happy.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-17-2012, 05:36 AM
Dreamy Dreamy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: US
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The options sound like trying to preempt the pain of being dumped or dropped.
Agree with the above quote. I agree with waiting and seeing.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-17-2012, 06:19 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 696
Default

Me? I find it creepy that he has not disclosed to her the sexual nature of your interactions. He's waiting until she declares her intentions, and THEN he's gonna tell her he is sexual with you? Sounds like bait and switch to me. Little out of integrity. That would bother me more than worrying about whether or not he's going to stay or leave.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-17-2012, 12:42 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 323
Default

Yeah I keep finding this offering too. They might well be fine with me being married; we can screw around till they meet someone single.

That's super sexy I tell ya!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-19-2012, 08:24 PM
poeticwatcher poeticwatcher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
In a poly mindset isnt he just gravitating toward something you can't give him.....his need for more than one day a week....his need for a gf. Maybe reframe it like that .....you aren't fulfilling all his needs ....you can't by nature of your other relationships and schedule.....and he's made the calculation on the loss vs gain ...for him. What about compersion?
I'd enjoy the time you have and be happy.
Aye, I would agree... if he identified as poly-leaning, I do not think the whole notion would trouble me so much. As NovemberRain and Vinccenzo point out, there is information he is deliberating choosing not to share with this woman. I have pointed out how I feel; that I feel like there's a big possibility he is only shooting himself in the foot by not being completely open with her. He acknowledges that it very well could turn into, 'shot self in foot situation,' but still feels like this is the way he should proceed.

Ultimately I want him to be happy. If that means letting him go to find his happiness, than I shall do so and go through that process when I come to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Me? I find it creepy that he has not disclosed to her the sexual nature of your interactions. He's waiting until she declares her intentions, and THEN he's gonna tell her he is sexual with you? Sounds like bait and switch to me. Little out of integrity. That would bother me more than worrying about whether or not he's going to stay or leave.
I have pointed out to him that I find it rather troubling/ disconcerting that he has chosen not to share that information with her openly... and IF she is interested in pursuing a relationship with him, he'll ask her if ethical non-monogamy, poly, whatever is something she's willing to consider.

Personally, if it was me, and someone approached me this way... My first question/ demand to the hypothetical person approaching me would be: can I meet your other partner? If they said yes without any hesitation, I would be inclined to continue communicating, but I would do so with a touch of caution. If they were not open to me meeting their other partner, I would walk.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:06 AM.