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Old 05-19-2010, 04:33 AM
senseless senseless is offline
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Hello everyone,
this weekend was the catalyst for something both powerful and terrifying for me. I am a bi-sexual women with a strong preference for females; and a year ago I lost the straight girl (for which I had a very strong unrequited love for) to my best friend; a straight guy who had been previously interested in me. They have been in a wonderful (although for me fairly painful) relationship for the last year... that is until we had a spontanious conversation about sex, and an on going and equally loving relationship between the three of us.
On one hand, it is a dream come true, but in another I have difficulty even grasping how hard it will be, not to mention that I will have to keep it a secret from my other friends who would probably view the situation with disgust. I do feel a really deep connection with both of them, aside from the amazing sex, but I'm coming in late to the equation, and how do I know that I won't loose them both?
Although I have only been apart of the relationship for days, I already have been more open and truthful to those two people then I have ever been with anyone; the conversation dynamic is awesome, but i can't help but still be plagued with doubts. Before today, I didn't even know that a 'trinogamous' or 'polyamorus' relationship existed....
So I guess that I'm trying to say is.... what now?
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  #2  
Old 05-19-2010, 04:56 AM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
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Hey there!

I am in a very similar, though slightly different situation.

The primary difference for me is that when the recent spontaneous weekend happened, I got down on my knees to give thanks to the Goddess and anyone else who would listen (mostly folks on this forum- teehee: )

I would suggest just being in your moment.
I have been using a little tool to help me.
I call it The Two Choices.
#1. Love and integration and all that goes with it.
#2. Hate and separation and all that goes with it.

I am seeking to use #1 as much as possible and doing as much as I can to help each of my others to feel as if they have the best part of the relationship.

We are only 2 1/2 weeks in and things are going very well.

If it feels good to you, if it feels right, if you want it... then just say so.

Hope it goes well for you and that you continue to share your story. Some members here seem to have been through a lot and have much to share.

Warmly
sumx3
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Old 05-19-2010, 08:32 AM
SayYes SayYes is offline
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I'm a relative newbie to all of this myself, but I just wanted to jump in and say that whatever you do, I would not let the notion that this always has to be kept a secret hold you back from pursuing what you decide you want to do. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized that (for me, at least) polyamory was not something that I had to keep "behind closed doors." If you find yourself in a serious, emotional relationship with two people, there's no reason why that can't mean eventually "coming out of the closet." I'm (almost) totally open about my relationship with my BF. My friends have for the most part been supportive even if they don't fully understand it, and if they were jerks about it, I would consider that their problem. In public and with more casual acquaintances who know that I'm married, I still act openly like I'm with my BF if he's the one with me. If people want to ask what the situation is, I explain it. The way I see it, I don't want to treat one of the most important relationships in my life like a dirty little secret. It's a real, valid relationship, and I treat it like one and expect others to as well.

I'm not saying necessarily rush to tell the whole world, or that you won't at times feel a lack of being able to talk to friends the way you would about a more "conventional" arrangement, but I also wouldn't take it as a given that embarking down this path means you must always be hiding something. I would worry about what you want as far as the actual relationships are concerned, and make your decision based on that.
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Old 05-19-2010, 07:29 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by senseless View Post
Although I have only been apart of the relationship for days, I already have been more open and truthful to those two people then I have ever been with anyone; the conversation dynamic is awesome, but i can't help but still be plagued with doubts.
You're human and new to this. Of course you're plagued with doubts, but you've answered your own question! "...I have already been more open and truthful to those two people then I have ever been with anyone..." Your doubts will only be assuaged through communication. Keep those lines as open and honest as they have been and I'm fairly certain that good things will happen. As far as your fear of losing them both, that's typical at the start of any relationship isn't it?

Use the resources available to you, especially the people here, to help you through this. Good luck and keep us posted!
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Old 05-19-2010, 07:34 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Oh, and as far as other people viewing your choice in disgust, so what?? Do they pay your bills? Do they help make decisions for you? No, then their opinion doesn't matter. I know that's easier said than done, but I had to learn the hard way.

Mine and my wife's first gf passed away before we were able to feel comfortable telling people about our situation. You have no idea how much I regret having to hide her, even though most people suspected. I promised myself that I would NEVER do anything like that to someone again. So, from that point forward, I was completely open and honest about my lifestyle and relationship. I was very honest with those people too, informing them that they didn't have to like, or even accept my relationship, but they needed to respect it or they could opt to not have me in their lives. Know what everyone chose? To stick around and see what this was all about.

Basic point in all this...Eff what everyone else thinks so long as everyone in your "family" is happy. Life is too short for anything else.
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Old 05-21-2010, 04:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
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So I guess that I'm trying to say is.... what now?
Now - you just nurture it and flow with it
I'm not in favor of making grand plans & visions for long term. It can distort the flow, mix in expectations etc. If you just nurture it and live it with best intentions for EVERYONE.........well those solid things just seem to last.

GS
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Old 05-21-2010, 09:21 PM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
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Now - you just nurture it and flow with it
].

GS

Sweet. I like that.
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:45 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SayYes View Post
I'm a relative newbie to all of this myself, but I just wanted to jump in and say that whatever you do, I would not let the notion that this always has to be kept a secret hold you back from pursuing what you decide you want to do. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized that (for me, at least) polyamory was not something that I had to keep "behind closed doors."
I always feel that hiding things from your friends is dishonest both to yourself and your friends. It doesn't give them a chance to show how grown-up they can be about it, and it forces you to lie and feel guilty.

At the end of the day, you may lose some friends by coming out, but do you really want friends who don't accept you for yourself, anyway? I "came out" to a good friend of mine. I knew she was pretty open minded, so it was a good testing ground. It was great, because even though she had never heard of it and didn't really understand it at first, I didn't feel that her opinion of me changed in the slightest. She was curious and asked a lot of questions to understand it better, and then we went about our normal lives.

That being said, I don't have a lot of friends and the ones I do tend to be very much "like me" in terms of being open-minded and accepting of alternative lifestyles. I have a lot of acquaintances, work colleagues that kind of thing, and I don't tell them because they're not "like me" and I can't be bothered to both educate them and defend myself while trying to maintain a positive work environment.
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