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  #21  
Old 06-12-2012, 07:31 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I don't see a looming trainwreck for everyone involved, but I do think it could be disastrous for at least one person (you) and possibly painful for everybody.

Have you thought about just putting the wedding on hold until you two figure out what sort of relationship dynamics you're going to be open to? That is what seems to be more likely to be a trainwreck. I am not sure if you are actually expecting if they are physical, that she says eww yuck that was horrible, lets get married and be monogamous after all.

Is P coming to your wedding? If they start a relationship are you going to enjoy having him at your reception and kissing the bride? Do you want A all distracted by NRE with P on your honeymoon?

I think because it is a whole 3 weeks before they will see each other that it is WORSE while you wait in limbo. Nothing can be settled and you're having hard and emotional discussions regularly while the wedding date looms nearer (is that what you want? are you hoping that if nobody postpones is, A will go ahead and marry you despite the commitment issues you discussed?). Maybe it's no problem to call it off last minute if things go horribly awry, but it seems that things are really too emotionally tumultuous to get married in the middle of not being sure if your relationship is going work out, or if it's going to be non-monogamous.

There's a lot of pressure on both of you with this wedding date - I think you're looking at it as a safeguard (as you said, you're the winner because once she says "I do" your heart is safe?), and she's looking at it a bit as the day the noose goes around her neck, and she doesn't even know for sure if she's running from commitment and being self destructive, or if her subconscious is telling her that marrying you isn't the right choice for her.
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  #22  
Old 06-12-2012, 07:43 PM
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SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
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If after 3 weeks, after they've had a face-to-face without me... if then they're not sure they want to back away from a relationship beyond friendship... then yeah we'll have no choice but to postpone (at least). That's becoming more real. I hate it, but the looming wedding date is not helping.

There won't be a wedding with P in the picture as anything more than a friend. I am not poly, and I'm not open to her being that way with me. At least, not yet. I would like to change into someone who is happy with that without compromising my core; my soul... I just don't think it's possible.

That being said, if after 3 weeks, we return to status quo with the two of them acknowledging that they can't be more than friends, I can absolutely marry A without an ounce of pain in my heart.

I've reached out to a couples counselor. A may not come, at least not at the start... I hope she does sooner rather than later.

I'm very much so doubting that A is poly at all. I honestly think that this is subconscious sabotage... she's admitted this pattern before and suffers from, at times, severe depression.
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  #23  
Old 06-12-2012, 11:07 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That being said, if after 3 weeks, we return to status quo with the two of them acknowledging that they can't be more than friends, I can absolutely marry A without an ounce of pain in my heart.
Really? That seems hasty.

There are two separate questions you may be conflating:

1. Is A polyamorous? Or, at least, is she is ready to commit to monogamy?

and

2. Could an intimate relationship between P and A work out?

Now, suppose they have a face-to-face encounter, three weeks from now, within whatever boundaries you all agree on. What could they conclude from that encounter?

Even if they end up answering question 2 in the negative, that has no direct bearing on the answer to 1. I've tried to make this point before: even supposing her connection with P dissipates, there's nothing to say this wouldn't happen again, maybe in just a few years, unless she has really worked out an answer to 1.

And, really, it seems implausible that P and A could come away from their encounter with any sort of definitive answer to 2. It takes time to develop relationships, and time to determine whether they can work out.

Quote:
I'm very much so doubting that A is poly at all. I honestly think that this is subconscious sabotage... she's admitted this pattern before and suffers from, at times, severe depression.
The thing is, she may need time and space to work this out before she commits herself to a long-term monogamous relationship with you. Your doubt about her polyamory does not add up to certainty about her monogamy.

Getting the vow from her lips and the ring on her finger before she's ready to settle the question would be ill-advised, if not actually cruel. If that would be a victory for you, it's one that seems likely to turn to ashes.

I have to go with Anneintherain on this one: given the circumstances, it makes a lot of sense to postpone the wedding while you all sort these things out.
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