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Old 04-03-2010, 11:06 AM
Ariea Ariea is offline
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Default New, looking for advice / support

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I've come here in hopes of getting help with dealing with being the partner in a polyamorous relationship. I'm not sure what section to post in for help / advice.

The difficulty is in my boyfriend's other relationship. I have a very hard time not blaming myself, thinking that I am not good enough, or that I have done something wrong when he leaves to spend time with the other person. How do you get past it? How do you not be depressed and take it out on yourself? I am miserable but I don't know how to make the pain stop. I just font understand why I'm not "good enough" that he wouldn't want to leave me for the other person.
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Old 04-03-2010, 12:10 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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My lightbulb moment came when I realized that my boyfriend was CHOOSING to come home to me each and every time after he was with someone else.

Until I accepted that fact I was miserable each and every time they went & did something together.

It IS me he chooses to come home to whenever he's with someone else. We talk. If I don't want to know what they did I'll simply tell him that. Even when I ask he just tells me generalities.

He knows I have insecurities & he does what he can to help me believe that I AM who he chooses to come home to. The rest is up to me. I have to do what I can FOR ME. I generally find something to do or he'll try to arrange his dates for times when I have something to do any way--things like quality time with my kids, my own date, am at work & he has a day off, you get the idea.
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Old 04-04-2010, 04:21 PM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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I too am struggling with that issue. I am the hinge I guess... this weekend I spent time with BF (I call him DH #2) and he treated me that way almost exclusively for about 24 hrs. Then DH joined us for the afternoon since he didn't have Friday off. But the activity we were all doing was a group activity and suddenly, DH #1 and I were sort of ditched so we left and came home together. I got an email now saying DH #2 isn't joining us for family Easter which he had made a little noise about being included... so I stuck my neck out and asked my family. (they think he is a friend but maybe suspect something there, I just haven't figured it out how to broach the subject yet) I have to drop a big secret on them this weekend anyways so I didn't want to do double shock... (I am telling them I had a surgery last year when my father was ill before he died, I didn't want to worry them unnecessarily and now it is important for me to live in truth so I am wading through that now, which is how I most recently got into this situation.)

DH #1 is incredibly supportive of my relationship with DH #2. and if fact will be surprised when he finds out that DH #2 is not going to family dinner. It just feels like DH#2 pushes us away because he has been so used to being on his own that he needs to get his own space suddenly... It is just depressing to me because I love them both and want to be with them both and he insist on being included yet pushes us away... I understand it might be overwhelming for him but he doesn't communicate as well as I need him to. SOmetimes I wonder why it takes so much work.

But that's what I told my DH #1. I will always come home to you. We do so many things together it is fun but yes it is bewildering when you bend over backwards to include and yet still end up alone. And that's my biggest fear, that we all will end up alone... Dh#2 can deal with it, he was alone for 6 years before me and mostly his whole life. DH #1 depends on me to come home and be part of his life. Oh so confusing!

I guess the only thing that is working for me is that they both love me and I hopefully always will. I have to have faith in that...
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