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Old 06-18-2012, 04:18 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Posts: 396

she said she cant live with the guilt of her having this open relationship and me not.
This struck a chord for me, because I've experienced this guilt myself. I've got this other relationship, but partner #1 was still only with me. Ack, unbalanced! Would be so much easier (surely) if he found someone else too.

But I realised it was unfair to expect my partner to find a new partner himself, just to make it easier (both personally and socially) for me. If he didn't want to prioritise getting into new romantic relationships, as others have posted above, he had to be free to do so. Freedom of speech implies the freedom to be silent.

I don't think it's a fair expectation for your girlfriend to require you to be active in finding new partners. At the most, maybe she may need you to work on finding more of a balance of things to occupy your time, or alternative sources of friends/intimacy to support you so you aren't as needy on her (? if this is at all the problem). But it sounds like it's specific relationship-symmetry she's wanting, which is okay as a hope/dream but not as an instruction (in my opinion)

What you wrote reminded me of this thing that's hard to articulate... I've experienced it a little myself and noticed it perhaps from the outside in other people's relationships. When you're not sure of yourself, out on a limb a bit, hoping it'll work, you can get into 'fake it til you make it' mode. One example is putting on a smiley face in public, or lavishing slightly awkward / excessive physical affection onto partners. It's an uncertain reaching out, and can come across as superficial or disingenuous. Sex is one of these shows of affection that quickly loses its intimate magic if there are underlying hurts/fears that need to be discussed. You can't just voyage onwards using the steam of previous intimacy. You need to keep that fire in the engine room lit. Talk about what's going on. Touch each other with words a bit.

Good luck.

Oh, and, don't want to hijack this thread but you've mentioned Alice a lot I'm a bit of an Alice fan, and recently wrote a poem inspired by poly relationships. Thought I'd share with you x

alice as a lover

jump and i will catch you
or we will both fall
one below/beside the other

and if there's no floor
to this canyon we shall go on
descending through free air

grasping at the thicker roots
fumbling for the jars
of marmalade cos i've learned

my lesson my love
life's too short to be stuck
in someone else's bucket

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Old 07-08-2012, 02:48 PM
noob noob is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58

Originally Posted by badger24 View Post
I have been quite happy to let her be open and myself not but she said she cant live with the guilt of her having this open relationship and me not.
A few years ago, my husband and I decided to take up knitting together. He took off really fast with it, and was wonderful at it and loved it. I sucked at it and did not enjoy it one little bit. Had he felt terrible guilt over knitting when I wasn't knitting, he would've missed out on a wonderful opportunity to do something he is excellent at and loves, and I wouldn't have these awesome sweaters

All that's to say: nothing will fuck up a newly poly relationship faster than one or both partners deciding that the arrangement needs absolute symmetry. People are different--the main important thing in any relationship is that you both get your needs met. For her, that seems to mean being poly. For you, it may or may not. Even if you do both want to be poly, you each need to go your own pace. Everyone's poly path is different; she may go fast and furious, and you may take years to settle in. Comparing or competing with each other, or thinking you should be having the same experience as one another, is only going to drive a wedge between you.
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guilt, monogamy, new to polyamory, non monogamy, poly, relationship, time management

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