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  #21  
Old 07-06-2012, 02:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Go with it.

You have the RESPONSIBILITY to state your needs, wants, and limits.

If there's room for negotiating, you can try to sort it out.

But if there is no happy medium to be had -- best to end if honorably before things go deeper. Everyone needs to know what they are signing up for and AGREE to what they are signing up for.

Being outed by indiscreet people is not the same as just being annoyed by fluffy fb postings.

GG
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  #22  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:01 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Go with it.

You have the RESPONSIBILITY to state your needs, wants, and limits.

If there's room for negotiating, you can try to sort it out.

But if there is no happy medium to be had -- best to end if honorably before things go deeper. Everyone needs to know what they are signing up for and AGREE to what they are signing up for.

Being outed by indiscreet people is not the same as just being annoyed by fluffy fb postings.

GG
I agree that people should state their needs, but documentation? Is that really necessary?

I dont think there's much honor in having people agree to sign documentation for a personal relationship.

If the couple doesn't wish to have their lives exposed, and the other partner refuses to comply, there's a breach of trust. Period. And the relationship should end, no question. But that won't stop the other partner from posting, they just won't see it and if anything, the repercussions in subsequent posts could be a lot worse than they bargained for.

It just seems extreme to me. I'd tread carefully on that one.
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  #23  
Old 07-06-2012, 12:17 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I am very much against the idea of the primary couple coming up with a list of things that they have worked out between them, not in consultation with anyone else involved, and then to have that presented as a list of demands, where it's "comply or get out". If I were faced with that as a secondary, not matter how reasonable or unreasonable the demands were, I would be out of there like a shot.

What I think is better is for each member of the partnership to talk about their individual needs, wants and likes, which includes boundaries, and to do this each time a new secondary comes along. This gives each person in the relationship an equal footing when it comes to the negotiation, rather than feeling that they are going up against a "couple front".

I strongly suggest that you rethink your plan.
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  #24  
Old 07-06-2012, 01:51 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I guess I would suggest at the very least that you recommend any potential secondary do the same, bring their own list of what they are and are not comfortable with. It's good to know these things, but it shouldn't be "us against him/her". For that reason, I agree with Ciel that writing separate documents might be helpful. After all, you might not have the same boundaries as to what your metamours can do with one of you than the other, for instance.
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  #25  
Old 07-07-2012, 06:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papolycouple View Post
Thank you everyone for your comments. This issue going to be settled once and for all this week. We are all having a meeting and my bf and I have created a document that spells out our demands with our secondaries. If no one complies we will be ending the relationships with all parties.
WOWZA!!! Demands, really? Shit. The Holy Dyad indeed. No asking your secondaries for their lists of "demands" and seeing where you can meet in the middle? No negotiating at all? No conversation? Just "our way or the highway?" I hope, for their sakes, your secondaries have the gumption to break up with you on the spot for being presented with demands instead of being approached with issues that need working on and asked to collaborate together on finding ways for everyone to be happy. Your bf's other gf did seem to exhibit some carelessness, but perhaps it bothered you more because you don't feel she deserves to even think she has a place in his life. Doesn't everyone you're involved with deserve respect? Sheesh, I hope this was just badly worded here and it isn't really how you talked to her (or them - you mentioned secondaries, so not sure how many there are).
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  #26  
Old 07-08-2012, 12:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
WOWZA!!! Demands, really? Shit. The Holy Dyad indeed. No asking your secondaries for their lists of "demands" and seeing where you can meet in the middle? No negotiating at all? No conversation? Just "our way or the highway?" I hope, for their sakes, your secondaries have the gumption to break up with you on the spot for being presented with demands instead of being approached with issues that need working on and asked to collaborate together on finding ways for everyone to be happy. Your bf's other gf did seem to exhibit some carelessness, but perhaps it bothered you more because you don't feel she deserves to even think she has a place in his life. Doesn't everyone you're involved with deserve respect? Sheesh, I hope this was just badly worded here and it isn't really how you talked to her (or them - you mentioned secondaries, so not sure how many there are).
We need a "like" button on here..

Cindie, I doubt it's badly worded, it's simply in bad taste and shows how little respect she/they have for his "secondaries". Facebook is the least of their worries.
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  #27  
Old 07-08-2012, 06:34 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I believe she said that she also has a secondary and yes, I agree that making a list of demands sounds very disrespectful. However, about 7 months into our relationship, Wendigo and Pretty Lady sent us an e-mail stating that they had talked and asking if we could take a break from the sexual part of our relationship until we were all satisfied that our primary relationships were healthy; she had some concerns about our relationship and Wendigo was especially concerned that he had not had the energy to celebrate his birthday with Pretty Lady because we'd worn him out the night before. Our mutual goal was to enhance our relationships, not take away from them. Runic Wolf and I sat down and talked about their concerns and addressed them in our own e-mail (it's next to impossible for Pretty Lady to get free time for face to face conversation) and we moved forward a few weeks later, but it was definitely a couple centric way of doing things, but it was one that worked for us.
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