New to Polyamory, Uncertain, and Jealous.

[mittin]

It's wonderful that you're feeling so much more solid about the whole thing, SimpleSimian!

One thing I've noticed though my experiences with polyamory is that my feelings will oscillate very rapidly and very severely. I remember one night after my girlfriend was with her lover, we were talking afterward, and I was happy and excited to hear how it went, and literally 2 minutes later I was crying so hard feeling sorry for myself, and in another 2 minutes I was back to being excited and curious!

If you're experiencing this at all just try to be strong and maintain a perspective on the matter. I find it very helpful to keep a little journal in which I write about my feelings and what I think made me feel that way. When I'm feeling unstable I go back and read through it to understand my ups and downs a little better.

I hope things go well for you tonight! We're here for support if you need us!

[SimpleSimian]

So I drove her into the city and dropped her off at his place around 6:45, which is later than we were aiming for (I even got out of work 30 minutes early to try and keep schedule, but in the end we weren't that much later than promised). I got home about 30 minutes ago (7:30), and I've made myself a cheater pizza (pre-made) and I'm sitting down to read and relax and then do some packing for tomorrow's moving.

I'll be going to bed at some point, I'm sure, but don't really know when. I'll be waking up early (6-ish, around when I'd wake up for work), getting ready to go, and taking the first load into the city, picking up my wife from his place on the way. I feel really normal about all this. Not even excited anymore, because I dropped her off and that part's over. Now I'm just kina...dunno...here. Content, at peace, and with a song stuck in my head.

I did not expect this. It seems normal. Which is weird. I won't be seeing my wife next to me when I wake up, and it feels normal. The fact that it feels normal is weirding me out.

Anyway, I'mma go back to relaxing and eating and reading and packing.

Thanks for your support so far. I made the changes I needed to make to dive into this WAY faster than I expected. I was imagining months...not weeks.

We'll see how it goes. I'll check in tomorrow morning before I leave, and then after I pick her up and talk to her about it some.

Wish I had money to go out for coffee with a friend or something. But then I'd be shirking my responsibilities. :P

[SimpleSimian]

Reporting in. Haven't had internet access, and won't at home until Wednesday.

Picked her up the next morning, no awkwardness, and I'm dealing with this really well.

Had lots of questions, and her openness and up-front-ness helped me chill a lot.

We even had him over for breakfast this morning and hung out with him all day at the new place before my wife had to work. This isn't so bad. I'm confused at her taste in men right now, but whatever, love is love, it's not logical. I have a few fleeting moments every now and then of self-doubt or withdrawal from the situation, but I'm talking through them and working them out and this is pretty ok.

I might even be able to be his friend. More likely just to be on nice social terms, I don't think I would have been best friends with him if I just met him on my own. I'm very certainly going to do my best at that, though, for all our sake. He's way more uncomfortable with the situation than I am, but I've had time, this is new to him. She did have the talk(s) with him. Several times. He's confused that I would consent to this, and he feels kinda awkward/bad/"sleazy" (his own choice of adjective to her), but she and I think this could work out. Not going to push it too much (her decision), because she's starting to chill out too.

Awesome. Done updating for now.

Thanks for reading.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian

He's confused that I would consent to this, and he feels kinda awkward/bad/"sleazy" (his own choice of adjective to her),

Being the guy entering into a relationship, I can totally relate to his feelings. It still creeps up every now and then but I think it is a positive thing actually. If someone were to enter an existing relationship and not show a little confusion and doubt I would be concerned. It would come off way to cocky I think. Like they actually thought less of the other partner...but that's just me.

Glad to hear you are doing well

[vandalin]

Glad to hear things are going ok. Anticiaption sure can be a bitch sometimes.

I agree completely with Mono. I'm not sure how much this will help in your situation, but my husband actually wrote a letter to Elric telling him that yes, he was ok with us persuing a romantic relationship. Elric really appreciated that even though things didn't pan out in the end. Nothing too "crazed" or epic, just a note telling him that you are ok because this is what is making her happy right now and that is the most important thing to you.

You might want to bring it up to your lady first though.

Keep it up, stay strong.

[EugenePoet]

Interesting about "It seems normal....The fact that it feels normal is weirding me out."

The first time I went to meet my GF's husband I was thinking, "I'm not even nervous. I ought to be nervous, this is weird."

But the whole dinner with the two of them felt completely normal. Why shouldn't it feel normal? There was no dishonesty, no one was doing anything they didn't want to do. And the food was really good, so was the conversation, and the companionship was first-rate...

So maybe the "weirdness" is actually an intellectual abstraction -- I think in the abstract that I should be appalled/revolted/made jealous by this because that's what is culturally normal. But my emotions aren't really feeling that at all. Because in my case the cultural programming DOES NOT APPLY.

So, SimpleSimian, if it truly does not apply -- or, rather, if you find that your emotions aren't in step with what the monogamous culture tells you that you're supposed to feel -- then I would say, great! Don't worry about it.

You're not weird; the cultural indoctrination is weird.

Take care, man.

[idealist]

Originally Posted by EugenePoet

if you find that your emotions aren't in step with what the monogamous culture tells you that you're supposed to feel -- then I would say, great! Don't worry about it.

You're not weird; the cultural indoctrination is weird.

Take care, man.

Good point!! Very well said too !!!

[SimpleSimian]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

*snippity*

I can relate to it, too. I would feel like a total dick being the guy entering into a relationship with a woman who was happily married. Hell, I'd feel like a dick doing that with a woman who wasn't happy in her marriage.

I just hope he gets over the awkwardness soon, because it's making it difficult for me not to feel awkward. I want to be all up-front and tell him that the awkwardness is imagined, and if he's not awkward about it, I won't be either...but I'm afraid of scaring him off. My wife has already asked me to be careful not to scare him off, because she can really sense his awkwardness in the situation.

Originally Posted by vandalin

*snippity*

I'd love to write him a letter, but that might even be more awkward than just talking to him in-person. I just have to be patient, I guess. I'll get that chance eventually, but right now just isn't the time.

Originally Posted by EugenePoet

*snip*

It probably is just culture getting to me. I need to distance myself from it even more, apparently. Culture gets in the way of a whole lot of things. I would really rather it left me alone. :P

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian

I can relate to it, too. I would feel like a total dick being the guy entering into a relationship with a woman who was happily married. Hell, I'd feel like a dick doing that with a woman who wasn't happy in her marriage.

Just curious, would the girl be a dick for entering a happily married relationship with the male of the couple? I know you were expressing personal feelings, just trying to understand that pov.

When I was "mono" and single, I would absolutely agree, but my brainset has recently been upgraded

[SimpleSimian]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Just curious, would the girl be a dick for entering a happily married relationship with the male of the couple? I know you were expressing personal feelings, just trying to understand that pov.

When I was "mono" and single, I would absolutely agree, but my brainset has recently been upgraded

No, I imagine the girl would be a cunt. Unless, well...you know...she had a dick. :P

It's pretty much a culture-influence thing. My discomfort would largely be driven by my mind making up worries and trying to imagine how the person's partner (the one I'm not getting involved with) would be feeling and what they would be thinking and all kinds of other more-normal social worries ("Does he like me? What if I'm being to aggressive? What if I'm making him uncomfortable? Do I smell bad? Should I have worn my blue shirt instead?").