New to Polyamory, Uncertain, and Jealous.

[SimpleSimian]

@MonoV:

The thing is, while that may be what's best for me in the long-term, I really don't feel like it is. This whole thing is pretty recent, and pretty new, and we got along pretty well for a very long time before this, and we still get along pretty well, just being depressed while getting along.

I really don't want that to be the answer, especially not now, especially not just after we got a brand new apartment together, in the city, and are moving there April 15th. Especially not after she has found a life she can be happy with, for the most part (provided she keeps it free of this kind of drama), friends she can trust, and is doing what she loves. Especially not after I've supported her through all her growth thus far. Especially not because she and I plan on building a spaceship together someday.

There is so much more to lose by leaving her than I could possibly gain. I really think she is the best person in the world for me, and I know I won't be happier with anybody else, I just need to work some things out with her and learn to accept her for who she is, the person I love, instead of trying to change her into somebody else.

I really don't know. Oh boy, is there ever going to be a huge talk about all of this. Big talks have pretty much been the order of the day for the last week. Until yesterday, when big talks became too tiring to go through, and so they happen in pieces instead of all at once. And I feel I should make it clear that I'm the one starting the big talks. This isn't a nagging wife sort of thing. It's me deciding I have too many conflicting emotions and thoughts and am perceiving too many problems with the way things work, and that I need to talk about them, or else I'll just sit there, building a huge depression, becoming irrationally angry at work when on the phone with customers, and all sorts of other things I would like to avoid. I'm talking so I can avoid further problems. I'm attacking what I see as the cause of particular emotions and trying to root them out so they can fade away, and I wish she would introspect like me and do the same, so we can both heal. But I need to do it for her, because she is tired of having feelings and spends most of her time dissociated or trying to dissociate so she doesn't have to deal with the overwhelming soul-crushing pain.

I think maybe after some reorganising and after we get settled in our new place and get a new, better schedule going, maybe we can figure things out and make this work. I really do appreciate your advice, and I do feel it. I agree with your ideas, as they are what I would tell anyone else in my situation as well...but I just can't leave her. We got married for a reason. And she promised me I would never have to go through a divorce, which was the one thing keeping me from marrying her -- the fear that I would end up just like everybody else who gets married: divorced. I wanted to avoid marriage altogether, but to be honest, the benefits are great enough that combined with the promise of never getting divorced, I feel pretty secure. I know she won't leave me for other guys, but she might leave me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and that's what I'm afraid of. She might still come home to me on occasion, but I'm afraid she'll grow away from needing me and find her happiness amongst the shared admiration of several other men and women, and no longer need me for the purpose of anything other than physical stability.

I am so full of fear. I would make a horrible Jedi trainee.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian

I'm afraid she'll grow away from needing me and find her happiness amongst the shared admiration of several other men and women, and no longer need me for the purpose of anything other than physical stability.

I am so full of fear. I would make a horrible Jedi trainee.

You sound committed to making this work That is admirable and an indication of the love you have for her. Just stay healthy my friend. And please make sure your fear above does not become your reality. I can't imagine anyone being happy or developing good self esteem when they feel ( or are actually being treated) simply like a safe, comfortable, steady place to return to for a partner to use a safety net for ongoing adventures. The concept makes me a little ill actually although I'm sure that it is fine for many.

[SimpleSimian]

Not gonna lie, the concept is making me ill, too. I've been ill for a couple weeks over it. Every day, I sit at my desk at work, unable to connect to my wife and talk through stuff with her, and I feel sick. And I work. And I just keep going because I know eventually we'll hit something big and something good will happen and we'll get to feel good. We hit that a week ago, where we both felt at ease and comfortable and good. This was during her spring break. Then, the stress of yesterday tore everything up again. I spent all of yesterday nursing a ten-and-a-half-page angry letter about how I was feeling, and spent all that time trying to figure out how to change what I was saying and feeling into nice things and into "I" language. And it worked. And I felt better, until I saw how chummy she's getting with this new guy already. Then it started all over again.

I hope she's willing to talk to me about all of this tomorrow while I'm at work, because she has the day off, and her only plans tomorrow are with this new guy, and only tentative, and only even close to reality because I let her.

She was all like "oh crap, but his schedule matches yours. That means he's only available when you are." And I told her to go anyway. She thanked me. I feel kind of manipulated, but I don't think she was consciously manipulating me, so I'll forgive it. But I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe I should just put the brakes on all the way and be like "No. Not right now. Now, we need to talk, we need to heal, and we need to be stable and comfortable and okay for at least a couple of months before we consider any of this shit, or before you even start trying to set up any other relationships."

On the contrary, part of me just wants to fuck it and let it go to the winds. I am actually considering telling her to take some condoms with and fuck his brains out. I think it would be easier and far less painful just to do it than to fight it like this. And maybe the outcome would be good. Maybe she wouldn't feel fulfilled and decide to take it slow. Maybe she'd love it, get the need out of her system, and be able to focus on healing. Or maybe she'll love it, and do it again and again, and maybe I'd keep just letting her and let her spend the night away and then I'll spend all my time alone so I don't have to deal with it.

The only real problem for me is that I pretty much killed my social life around the time when I married her, partially because of time obligations, and partly because I needed to focus on her and help her overcome some problems she was facing early on in our relationship. Now I have no place to go but to her or her friends, and that whole situation is filled with nothing but painful reminders of my social life past, and of her exploration into territories I cannot follow her into. So I have no choice but to either spend all my time with her and/or her friends, or to spend all my time alone. For now. I'll make new friends, and I'll rekindle old friendships, and I'll be okay enough that I could get by spending time away from her to allow her to spend time with her friends and spend time fucking other guys/girls. Maybe I'd even become comfortable with it. Maybe I'd even encourage it. Maybe I'd even do it myself. I don't know. Always in motion is the future.

Maybe I'll tell her to fuck him and to make it a one-night stand, just to get it out of her system. Tell her to fuck him all she wants for the rest of the week, and then cut off all communication after that. I think that might insult her, though. I'm fucked if I know what to do or say. I just wish I could let go, find somebody else, have her find somebody else, and have a nice poly double v going on. Or a four-way. I dunno. Whatever the case, I just don't know. I just want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I'm tired of this bullshit drama.

[MonoVCPHG]

Wow man, this is brutal. I'm at work and can't give you an adequate response and honestly this type of situation blinds my logic and makes me respond emotionally which is never productive
Hopefully others will jump in with better advice....it will certainly be different than mine I can guarantee you that LOL! I just talked to Redpepper about this and she has a much more balanced approach with broader ideas to figure things out.

Stay healthy my friend...I can't stress that enough.

Take care and I'll check in later.

[SimpleSimian]

Thank you. I'm sorry if I put you off. Under any other circumstances, I keep my cool really well, but I've been avoiding problems and my wife has been avoiding problems for so long that they're finally catching up to us. That, and we're still coming off our winter depression. We both suffer from some degree of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Combine that with her being ordered off birth control for three months by her doctors (and now she's finally going back on it), and you've got one hell of an emotional roller coaster, propelled by unbalanced chemicals and shitty circumstances, built on a foundation that has been left slightly in disrepair.

Also, once I get started, I tend to ramble.

Your willingness to listen and your intelligent, concise replies have been more than helpful. I'm still panicked, to be honest, but the sick feeling is ebbing a little bit.

Thank you.

[MonoVCPHG]

No worries my friend. I get triggered sometimes and just have to step back. Instead of using my words this time I'll try something different. I sent you a friend request so you can take a look at my chosen family. There is a lot of happiness that can be found in the world of non-monogamy and pictures say it best a lot of times.

Now I seriously need to do some work

[SimpleSimian]

Understood wholeheartedly.

And I should also be working, but apparently nobody's computers are broken this morning, so I guess I get somewhat of a break. Which is good, because now I'm relaxed enough to handle the calls appropriately.

I accepted your request, and I looked at your photos of your chosen family. The dynamic is not clear, but the fact that you're all smiling naturally and looking generally at-peace is reassuring and provides me with hope that maybe I can do this if my wife can be patient enough with my learning curve and my rebellious moments.

But, quite frankly, if she wants this for real, she will be patient, or she won't get what she wants the way she says she wants it.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SimpleSimian

I hope she's willing to talk to me about all of this tomorrow while I'm at work, because she has the day off, and her only plans tomorrow are with this new guy, and only tentative, and only even close to reality because I let her.

Maybe one of the things that needs to happen is a set schedule. So you know. The thing I hate most (in life, not just relationships) is just not knowing...If something is set and scheduled, I feel better...

She was all like "oh crap, but his schedule matches yours. That means he's only available when you are." And I told her to go anyway. She thanked me. I feel kind of manipulated, but I don't think she was consciously manipulating me, so I'll forgive it. But I really don't know how to handle it. Maybe I should just put the brakes on all the way and be like "No. Not right now. Now, we need to talk, we need to heal, and we need to be stable and comfortable and okay for at least a couple of months before we consider any of this shit, or before you even start trying to set up any other relationships."

ok my take (and I haven't read the whole thread) is that you guys really need to sit down together and figure out what is going to happen moving forward. Discuss what you want, what she wants and hopefully find something you can work with. If you are mono, and want a mono relationship and she isn't. Then you really need to figure stuff out.

Everything reads as really chaotic and tumultuous. I think you two need to bring things down a few decibels if you get my meaning.

On the contrary, part of me just wants to fuck it and let it go to the winds. I am actually considering telling her to take some condoms with and fuck his brains out. I think it would be easier and far less painful just to do it than to fight it like this. And maybe the outcome would be good. Maybe she wouldn't feel fulfilled and decide to take it slow. Maybe she'd love it, get the need out of her system, and be able to focus on healing. Or maybe she'll love it, and do it again and again, and maybe I'd keep just letting her and let her spend the night away and then I'll spend all my time alone so I don't have to deal with it.

Playing with fire here. Physical connections can really, especially in NRE, throw things into a tailspin. I still say you need to take a few days and talk. Read literature and figure out exactly what you both want. If you don't have that clearly decided then everything will continue to be confusing and painful.

The only real problem for me is that I pretty much killed my social life around the time when I married her, partially because of time obligations, and partly because I needed to focus on her and help her overcome some problems she was facing early on in our relationship. Now I have no place to go but to her or her friends, and that whole situation is filled with nothing but painful reminders of my social life past, and of her exploration into territories I cannot follow her into. So I have no choice but to either spend all my time with her and/or her friends, or to spend all my time alone. For now. I'll make new friends, and I'll rekindle old friendships, and I'll be okay enough that I could get by spending time away from her to allow her to spend time with her friends and spend time fucking other guys/girls. Maybe I'd even become comfortable with it. Maybe I'd even encourage it. Maybe I'd even do it myself. I don't know. Always in motion is the future.

All I can say to this is, shitty. I did this with my first wife and vowed never to do it again. Your friends are there to help you, if you are married and there are health problems, for example, they should be there to prop you up while you are helping your wife.

In fact I am...working with my wife on this. I was her first serious relationship and she relies on me exclusively for good friendship. She really needs to have a strong base of friends around her, I truly believe in friends. I don't run around grabbing people and making friends, but I do believe in friendship.

My only...warning to you rekindling old friendships is how they may react to your situation. When you first rekindle you will be inclined to talk about stuff. Unless your friends are aware of how open relationships work you may not have a support crew in the direction you want (obviously depends on the direction)...

Maybe I'll tell her to fuck him and to make it a one-night stand, just to get it out of her system. Tell her to fuck him all she wants for the rest of the week, and then cut off all communication after that. I think that might insult her, though. I'm fucked if I know what to do or say. I just wish I could let go, find somebody else, have her find somebody else, and have a nice poly double v going on. Or a four-way. I dunno. Whatever the case, I just don't know. I just want her to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I'm tired of this bullshit drama.

Fire...Fire...Fire...

if you partially give her what she wants and then you cut her off, who is she going to resent?...talk first...then decide what you both want, then move forward with whatever you figure out.

Oh and as for finding a poly rebound for your emotions...and trust me, I wanted to find a new third to rebound from my ex...badly...I am glad I didn't. Imagine another set of emotions coming into your relationship muddling the already muddy waters. Wow...all I can think of is explosive. KISS...

Good luck

[Ariakas]

I am kind of shocked no one has directed you to any literature to help you find the tool you need to deal with the every day emotions of being open.

Opening Up
Ethical Slut
XeroMag - good resource, pretty much the goto guy for covering the basics

Sorry if this was covered already but I didn't notice in any of the posts ...

[tinylove]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Sorry you are going through this. She does sound somewhat addicted to NRE and you definitely do not sound healthy in this. If you really want to be monogamous, feel normal, and that you are not surpressing her, I think you should do what is best for your personal health.

You are young, no kids and have lots of time. Perhaps it is best to find some one more suited to how you love. Immediate short term pain now instead of possible long term, roller coaster of pain in the future? Can you really imagine going through this for the rest of your life with her?

Take care of yourself the same way she is taking car of herself.

Best of luck.

I have been feeling the same way. I agree that you need to do what is best for you. Reading your post was like reading something I could have wrote myself.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

I wish I knew what to say but I am right where you are!