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Old 06-04-2012, 12:28 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,792
Default Trying to find my way...

Hi everyone.

I am new to the site and kind of to poly. I am 38 married for 11 years together for 12. He is my longest relationship. Before my husband I had the habit of going from one relationship to another when someone wasn't everything I needed because I was programed that "cheating" is wrong.

Well the last 5 years our sex life had gotten strained. My husband is very much into BDSM and I am not. I can play with him when I am very happy in life. And I am ok with his fetishes. Well hubby can not fulfill all my needs emotionally or physically. I have a high sex drive and he functions off of kink and can not keep up. So he was the one who suggested I may need more than one man in my life. Hubby is mono and has no urge to seek someone outside our relationship. He just wants me happy.

Well the last year has been kind of a learning experience. It is not as easy to find a partner open to a poly relationship. I refuse to be the other woman a man is cheating on his wife with. I am also not into multiple partners just need one to fill the hole hubby can not.

I am now dating a lovely guy who is very unsure of how this is going to work since he is mono. He is amazed that my husband is ok with his and my relationship. He can not wrap his head around the fact that my husband gets off on me treating him sort of like a cuckold. He is worried about the future since he is falling for me. He has questions of what if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I said that is possible BUT it would have to be nontraditional.

My biggest hurdle is the kids. I have 3 boys.. My younger two will just roll with it they are 9 and 5. The oldest who is 18 is the only one I worry about. He is fiercely loyal to my husband who adopted him at 8.

My second biggest hurdle is being in the poly closet. I can not share my joy with love with anyone because of my coworkers, friends and family are strictly mono with strong beliefs on what they see as cheating.

Well that is a basic over view of me.. I look forward to getting to know you all and having some people to talk to.
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Old 06-04-2012, 04:41 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

hi and welcome,

There are several threads on coming out to children here. A tag search should locate them for you.

The closet thing is tough and in my opinion community and people dependent. Coping skills is all I would suggest on that. That or move to Canada . Many have come and voice the same issue. Poke around you may find something that will help.

Good luck D
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:59 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,766

Hey Dagferi,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like your biggest challenge is your new boyfriend's fears/insecurities about the situation, though I know you say the kids is a big concern. The oldest is nearing that age of moving out and getting his own place, so in theory he should be "live and let live" about a lovestyle you and your husband have both agreed to and are happy with. I know practice doesn't always measure up to theory ...

I can relate to you about being "in the closet" ... I've been there for over six years. It's tough at first when you wish you could shout it from the rooftops, but you adapt to it after awhile, I guess. It's a shame that polyamory isn't accepted in our "modern day" world, but perhaps someday it will be. If you come out, you do; if you don't, you don't. It's totally up to you, and always a tough judgment call.

Just take things slow, and I'm sure everyone will acclimatize to the unconventional situation over time. Lots of good communication is always important.

Glad you could be with us on Polyamory.com.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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