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  #1  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:27 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Question What is my paradise?

I have been lurking for sometime, assessing, assimilating and looking to determine if I have what it takes to be a poly male.

I have hopes that this forum will be a place that I can explore my intentions, weed out fruitless expectations and be a better person by understanding who I am (Hardwired Mono? or Socially ingrained to be Not Poly).

So, I thought I would come and ask others further along the path to help me understand my life and choices better.
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Old 05-29-2012, 07:14 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Um, a little more about me.

Currently separated after years of NOT agreeing to pursue a poly relationship for the sake of my Ex. Programmed to Monogamy, I thought it would say things about MY character. If I were an animal, I would have called myself a wolf. I thought I would have mated for life, through hell and back, I remained faithful even if I was never perfect. The words flew between us, but I never stopped loving her.

Before she separated from me, she began afresh with a new man. Their NRE has brought me to physical illness. All the issues we dealt with (physcially, emotionally, spiritually) are gone. And I want desperately to be happy for her, but my heart is mess and compersion is hard. With the 3 children, I feel her new relationship is a betrayal of them also, but that is probably my projecting personal hurt onto them.

Anywho...

Here is a poem I wrote today to try to explain how I felt to my Ex-Wife.


Heartbreak
Dying
Husk of a seed once planted and not nourished
I knew no better and trusted no less
And now I sit scorned
Fighting for viability.
Fighting for the first blush of Spring in…
My desolate domain
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  #3  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:23 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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So, why Poly for me?

I don't see myself ever really not loving her. I cannot see myself ever not having an attraction to her. We have 3 children together and survived each of them having life-threatening illnesses. Even with all the hurt and pain and poison in it all, there is something that thrives for life.

I have tried to date another, and it is turning into a fledgling friendship. I hope that it can grow. I have been forthright and honest with this new love interest. I wanted her to know of the tarnished love bond I have with Ex-wife and how through it all, we may still have moments of intimacy.

Not so sure if that makes me Poly or not. Maybe it just makes me a hurt man struggling to keep a part of his life while knowing that I have been replaced from Primary to Secondary without my input or voluntary consent.

At least the new interest is certainly understanding, even if she is a self-described Mono.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:08 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome,


Sounds like you are considering this as a way of hanging on. The ex-Wife offered poly ...but is really mono? But what are you really hanging on to? What if the rules and circumstance change again without your knowledge or consent. Sounds like everyone is making gestures for the sake of something??

How long were you married? How old are your kids? How long have you been separated?
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  #5  
Old 05-30-2012, 12:19 AM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Ex-Wife is Poly. She is also Open. Potential new love interest is Mono.

Was married for a little more than 14 years. Kids are 12, 11, 9. Separated for 8 weeks so far. Ex has been in new relationship for about 12 weeks. Once I started dating 10 days ago, nothing has changed for my feelings toward ex-wife. She was being intimate with me and new guy (and a threesome with new guy and his friend). I love her and if she lets me remain in my life I would like too.

How do others feel about being replaced as primary without real consent? It seems like tou think I am holding onto a pipedream. Maybe I am. Love just has me over the coals. But with my new love interest, I find I am able to for attachments to new relationship and not losing anything for old.

Does that explain better?
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  #6  
Old 05-30-2012, 04:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Was it mutually discussed and decided to open your marriage?


How and or why did this come about?


Were you actually told she found a new primary and that she now see's you as a secondary. Did she explain how that would work...or what that would look like in everyday life. How soon into her relationship did this happen?
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Old 05-30-2012, 09:36 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It's possible she thought that since you were separated, she was free to choose a new primary if she saw fit. But I'll echo dingedheart's questions. Do you have direct confirmation from Ex-Wife that you're now the secondary and her new guy is the primary? What form did this confirmation take?

Sometimes primary/secondary labels shift or blur. It's possible you don't have a primary/secondary situation here, it may be a primary/primary situation.

It seems like you could use a good long talk with Ex-Wife, to get a bunch of these things figured out. Starting off with, are you two still together, and if so, in what way, and are you both now officially engaged in polyamorous relationships? Are you both okay with that thought?

It sounds like poly living is something you could do, but I can't over-emphasize the value of learning increasingly better communication skills. You and all of your partners/metamours should be meeting up and talking with each other about how everyone feels about what's going on -- and doing so without being (unintentionally) accusatory (or otherwise placing blame). It would probably help if you could all work out some compromises that would make everyone reasonably happy.

I can give more specific advice if I know more specifics about the situation. So post again soon if you can.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #8  
Old 05-31-2012, 06:51 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Was it mutually discussed and decided to open your marriage?


How and or why did this come about?


Were you actually told she found a new primary and that she now see's you as a secondary. Did she explain how that would work...or what that would look like in everyday life. How soon into her relationship did this happen?
We had been discussing it and having been culturally conditioned against it, I was very slow in coming about. The decision to be open or poly was not something that came about before the separation.

How it came about? Well... 4 years back, she had an affair, talking about poly or open was not a part of our world. We were in a very rough patch as a couple and she was planning on ending the marriage. Things recovered and she ended the relationship. 2 years later, she started discussing Poly with me. As I said last paragraph, being culturally conditioned against it, it took 18 months before I started started considering it as an option. That was December/January of this year. The marriage was far from perfect and the more she pushed the issue, the more I retreated into the cultural indoctrination, even though I was thinking about it. In the beginning of March, I accepted that I would be willing to try a very non-permanent threesome. Unfortunately, she reconnected with the guy from the affair 4 years back and started up the relationship with him again. She told me about it at the end of march and a week later asked for a Separation. Since then, we have been intimate on numerous occasions and my feelings have not diminished.

Not sure if I was really poly, I eventually found an old friend from 20 years back that was willing to enter into a FWB style relationship for a night or two. We have a friendship that is growing. This friend knows where I stand about searching out Polyamory as a life choice. She is Mono and understands what it would mean to us if I really live life Poly.

I know I have been replaced as Primary by the simple fact that my Ex has told me. There wasn't a discussion of this, I was just informed that she wants to devote her energy and resources to the new guy and the NRE they have is quite apparent (and very painful to witness).
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:04 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It's possible she thought that since you were separated, she was free to choose a new primary if she saw fit. But I'll echo dingedheart's questions. Do you have direct confirmation from Ex-Wife that you're now the secondary and her new guy is the primary? What form did this confirmation take?
She decided before the separation she wanted him as Primary, though it wasn't really defined in those terms. It has been explicitly stated as such. And it wasn't a discussion we had.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Sometimes primary/secondary labels shift or blur. It's possible you don't have a primary/secondary situation here, it may be a primary/primary situation.

It seems like you could use a good long talk with Ex-Wife, to get a bunch of these things figured out. Starting off with, are you two still together, and if so, in what way, and are you both now officially engaged in polyamorous relationships? Are you both okay with that thought?
I wrestle with this. We still co-parent together. Still see each other 6 days a week. I live in an apartment 1.5 miles from the formerly shared home. We are still intimate at times.

I personally am OK with her being in the relationship with the other, though I struggle with compersion heavily. Mostly because of the way this started and the speed at which she has taken to the new person. I still want to be the primary for her, cause that is how I view her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
It sounds like poly living is something you could do, but I can't over-emphasize the value of learning increasingly better communication skills. You and all of your partners/metamours should be meeting up and talking with each other about how everyone feels about what's going on -- and doing so without being (unintentionally) accusatory (or otherwise placing blame). It would probably help if you could all work out some compromises that would make everyone reasonably happy.
I know the New Love of hers. I have been to his house for parties in the past. She doesn't want me really talking to him directly because of the hurt feelings I have. She is concerned I will ruin her relationship with him. That is not my intention, but the sheltering of me from him hurts also. She tells me she is open and honest with him, but I don't know 100% that this is the case.

We have had our share of accusations and blame throwing. I would love to work out the compromises with her. I will keep working on compersion and communication skills. It's the only way it will work.
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  #10  
Old 05-31-2012, 07:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Did you after the affair seek counseling?


What about culturally conditioned to be a primary ?

What you described is exactly ....EXACTLY....every ( new to poly) spouses fear. The fear of being replaced or diminished. How cultural conditioning plays into this remains to be seen.

So if she devotes her energy and resources to the new guy ...what do you get. What fraction is left. Is it the sex now and then. What ?

The timeline doesn't concern you ? "It's over get out ...oh guess who's back...yup ...him" Sounds like a well orchestrated plan. One you weren't in on.

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-31-2012 at 10:27 PM.
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