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  #61  
Old 04-09-2010, 04:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...6030#post26030

More info from me-on this other post...
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  #62  
Old 04-09-2010, 04:40 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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So, husband had J over last night so the three of us could have some time together. I had my moments of jealousy and uncertainty. She was very clingy on him. They had had a bad day at work and were kind of leaning on each other.
I was already having an off day because they had had so much time together this week anyway. I managed to keep my feelings under control and in check though. I was kind of proud of myself there.
This was the first time she had been over here. I told husband that I don't want her in our bed unless I am there. He has graciously and understandingly agreed. So we were all very nervous to see how I would come out of all of this. I think I did rather well.
There were times that was hard when I watched them kiss or cuddle up together or do something intimate. But when it was time for her to go home I was able to go to the kitchen and clean up the dishes while he walked her out to her car. They were out there awhile so I knew they were having a very personal goodbye for the night.
Husband was very happy and blissful for the rest of the night. I wanted to make him aware that I did have moments of hardship while she was there last night but I managed to wait until morning so he could keep his mood. He called her as she drove home to make sure she arrived safely. He tries not to say I love you to her in front of me. He slipped up on that as he got off the phone and it stung very hard but I didn't lose it. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that she needed to hear that as well.
When I talked to him this morning about last night he gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he would get home as soon as possible tonight so we could have some time together. I am very excited about that.
I love him so much and even though I had some hard jealous moments last night I came out without any explosions or freak outs. I managed not to hide from what I was feeling or push it away so it could build up for future melt downs. Seeing how happy last night made him I think helped me through my feelings.
This forum has really helped me. Thank you everyone.
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  #63  
Old 04-09-2010, 04:57 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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I don't know if this has been said already; I didn't review the whole thread, but...

You don't have to watch them being cuddly if it hurts. You don't have to watch him kiss her if it hurts.

When I am with my GF and her husband they are hands-off except for a kiss on the cheek, and I am hands-off. I know that with some of the husband's GFs there is shared three-way physical affection, but either they don't want that with a man or they have sensed that I don't want it. So intimacy is, in our case, for our private times.

That's just one of the modes that's possible in poly as I understand it. (At this polywog's stage of development...)

I'm glad that things went well. Don't let it be harder than it needs to be, though.
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  #64  
Old 04-09-2010, 05:09 PM
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ak-you deserve a round of applause. Seriously-it's a HUGE step to deal with ones own jealousy without stuffing it down OR acting out on it.
That is great work on yourself. I'm sure it WILL help your relationship-but it will also help YOU feel better about YOU.
So pat yourself on the back lady!

Here's a BIG BIG hug just for you!!

(and enjoy your evening, you deserve it!)
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  #65  
Old 04-09-2010, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
I was already having an off day because they had had so much time together this week anyway. I managed to keep my feelings under control and in check though. I was kind of proud of myself there.
This was the first time she had been over here. I told husband that I don't want her in our bed unless I am there. He has graciously and understandingly agreed. So we were all very nervous to see how I would come out of all of this. I think I did rather well.
Way to go ak! I know how hard that was for you. Knowing your husband loves someone else is hard enough - seeing it is a whole different thing. You should be very proud of yourself for acknowledging your feelings and keeping them in check. It's hard to do. As hard as it was - it would have been worse for all of you if you would have lost it and had a meltdown. Understanding and acceptance do make life better.

You do need to communicate to your husband how you felt seeing them being intimate in front of you. For now, until you have total acceptance, he should be a little more sensitive to your feelings. And you have a right to ask for that. Just curious - was he intimate (hugging, snuggling, kissing) with you in front of her?

Wish me peace and luck - my husbands GF and I are going out to dinner tonight. Hopefully we'll get to know each other better and be able to talk openly about some things! Fingers crossed it goes well!
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  #66  
Old 04-09-2010, 07:40 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Husband had his arms around both J and myself. We were both cuddled up next to him and he didn't only kiss on her. We were trying to have an evening of closeness with the three of us so I could come to be more comfortable with the situation. She even leans over and rubs my back and shoulder and gives me a few light pecks from time to time.
I just noticed last night she was a little needier than usual due to their hard day and I think it helped understand that they don't hold back even nearly as much as they did last night when they are alone.
It was just hard bringing it here for the first time. But I can't go out in the middle of the week due to my daughter and I think husband really wanted some time with the three of us so I allowed it here as long as I was around.

Good Luck KT! Remember to not hold back and make sure everything is on the table and totally understood before the night is over. Just keep your man in mind. This means so much to him to have you two get along.
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  #67  
Old 04-11-2010, 03:55 AM
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Maca and LR - thank you so much for sharing your story. Maca, you really gave me a lot to think about. Where I am now - I can't imagine my life without my husband. I don't think I could go on without him. I have always been dependent on him - but not in a clingy, needy way. We are best friends, and I don't have a lot of my own friends that I do things with. I don't go out with my friends - I am very busy with my husband, kids, house, job and volunteering at my kids school. I never do anything for myself. I have started changing that as I realized that I can't rely solely on him. That I need to have my own life and explore my own interests. I have started taking glass classes and so far I love it. I need, and deserve that "me" time. I am hoping I get to that higher level of self-acceptance and love. I am working on it.

My husbands GF and I did go out last night - and it went great! We had dinner, drinks and talked for 5 hours. We agree that we do need to become comfortable and trusting of each other and possible become friends - if this is going to work out. We were very open and honest with each other and we worked a lot of issues out. We had to cut the evening short - so we didn't cover everything I was hoping to - but it was a great start. I made it clear that he is the love of my life and I'm not going anywhere and she let me know just how seriously she is in love with my husband. Hopefully we'll be able to get together again soon and finish our talk.

I am still feeling very upbeat, optimistic and at peace with this. This is the longest I have gone without getting upset about something, having a meltdown or fighting with my husband. It is a very nice change and I know it will continue. I have never felt this calm before - it's great! I attribute it to working on myself, finding this message board and reading Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up." It's a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone who is new to polyamory.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Kat
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  #68  
Old 04-11-2010, 05:14 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Also new to this and read through all of these threads. It seems to be that the focus of polyamory is coming to an understanding that EVERYONE needs to learn to break out of an indoctrinated mold of what love/marriage/relationships are when they enter or are subjected to it via his/her partner. What I know is that this is a strange and often surreal existence at the beginning stage. For me anyway. It is fluid as are the needs of the individuals involved. While I understand the issues of personal time I don't really know if that is fair boundary. As a matter of opinion through reading these threads and the little research I have done it seems "open" relationships are the ones with boundaries or so it seems because of the transient nature of them...polyamorous relationships should be as least restrictive as possible if all parties are supposed to be working toward an overall loving relationship. I agree that wives and gfs and husbands and bfs need to know eachother and support eachother for everyone to be truly happy, and for a real family thought process to grow. Yes it should be gradual but it should be an immediate focus. I hope to learn a little more through LR and Maca...it seems your relationship is closer to how I view my own. I am LR, and I hope Maca can help me understand what my husband needs.
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  #69  
Old 04-11-2010, 06:57 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Kat, your story of the meeting with your husband's GF was beautiful. There are SO many evils -- misconceptions, unfounded fears, worst-case guesses -- that can be swept away when you can just talk honestly with someone for awhile. I'm so glad you were able to reach out, and so glad that she responded so well.

Five hours is a long time. I have male friends that can't do "relationship talk" for more than 15 minutes without having to switch to job-talk or sports.

Morningglory, I don't know if generalizations about boundaries hold...but I'm a polywog (very new to poly and exploring) and the only relationship I have experienced has very careful boundaries. The couple is not out to their family and most of their friends.

That reminds me of discretion and boundaries -- Friday we ran into one of L's casual friends at a cafe, and I could see him wondering why she was out with a man who wasn't her husband, D. On the way back to the car we decided this: We met at a dance class, and D has very generously allowed me to squire her to such events. It's mostly the truth -- we were on our way to just such a class -- and D really is known for being generous in exactly that way.

But because of the boundaries in the primary relationship, secondaries like me have to be less transparent then they might prefer. It's a compromise for sure.

-------

Polywog! I love it: I've still got a single mono tail but I'm growing new arms for reaching out with. Nice metaphor.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-11-2010 at 07:02 PM.
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  #70  
Old 04-11-2010, 07:40 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
Kat, your story of the meeting with your husband's GF was beautiful. There are SO many evils -- misconceptions, unfounded fears, worst-case guesses -- that can be swept away when you can just talk honestly with someone for awhile. I'm so glad you were able to reach out, and so glad that she responded so well.

. . . because of the boundaries in the primary relationship, secondaries like me have to be less transparent then they might prefer. It's a compromise for sure.

Polywog! I love it: I've still got a single mono tail but I'm growing new arms for reaching out with. Nice metaphor.
EugenePoet - thank you. It was a very positive experience and I hope we have many more. I couldn't agree more with you about boundaries - I think they are important to the primary relationship, especially in a situation like mine where I am mono and husband is poly. I think there are just limits that need to be respected. It's about everyone being comfortable. If boundaries help any of the people involved to feel that way - then they shouldn't be questioned. In most cases - polyamory isn't about a free-for-all. Each person needs to decide for themselves what they are and are not comfortable with. Sometimes, the secondary person may not like it - but as you said, it is a compromise.

And "polywog" - - - LOVE IT! Too funny!
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