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  #51  
Old 04-08-2010, 02:13 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
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I agree with LR. We woman pick at every single little thing. The things most men do not even see. We see them though and that is where we need to work on ourselves and come to love our bodies for what they are.

Have any of you seen this website? The Shape of a mother This is what mothers look like, we are all different. We are beautiful we have carried something so precious inside us . We grew life inside us. If any man looks at a woman and thinks she is ugly after having children then there is something wrong with him in my perspective.

I know my husband loves me weather I am 218 pounds ( this is what I was after I had my first son and had pre- eclampsia and gained 20 pounds in fluid at the end of my pregnancy) or 130 pounds which I am now after having three beautiful children and working on myself for MYSELF!

I run 2 miles everyday for me to clear my head. To except me for who I am. I struggle with this a lot. Many times in my mind I am not perfect I feel like I am the defect. But then I remember that I am not this body. This is not who I am. I am the spirit that lives inside. I am the woman that sings to my children , I am the girl that runs out in the rain and plays, I am me and I have to except that .

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Love yourself. Be with yourself. take time to spend with you and get to know you.

You are what is important.
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  #52  
Old 04-08-2010, 08:34 PM
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Tinylove-that was a great post!
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  #53  
Old 04-08-2010, 08:36 PM
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ak-

I wasn't ignoring your question. But I asked Maca to come write-because he's the one who was dragged into this poly-friendly life, not me.
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  #54  
Old 04-08-2010, 09:25 PM
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Thanks LR
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  #55  
Old 04-08-2010, 11:49 PM
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[QUOTE=LovingRadiance;25871]
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
I think that it's awesome that you can see the importance of learning. Not just about "poly" just LEARNING. Regardless of how things end up with the girlfriend, if you two go back to being mono or the poly stays-you will be more equipped to be there for other people who experience this, because you took the time to learn. ALSO you will be more able to really connect with your husband EVEN MORE because you are learning about yourself, about him, about "US" (your us) and that's AWESOME!


See, more of a commitment I could *maybe* see. At least I can see expressing that she wants it-doesn't mean he does, or that he will, but it's good to express your desires.
As for meeting the family-I have to say-I REALLY strongly feel that until YOU AND SHE have a relationship that is TRULY functional and comfortable AND your husband and her husband do as well AND preferably you and her husband do as well-it would be "jumping the gun" for her to be meeting anyone else in the extended family....
LR - thank you for the awesome support and understanding. It's taken me almost a year to finally stop running on emotions and to start researching polyamory and understanding what it's really about. The hardest thing for me to say outloud was "my husband has a girlfriend" because I felt so alone and that no one else could possible understand those words and the meaning behind them. That's not the case anymore. The more I am learning, the easier I am dealing with this situation. I have not had a meltdown in 3 weeks - which is huge. It was happening almost once a week. I got jealous yesterday because they were having lunch - but it only lasted a very short time. I wish I would have started this learning process month ago - it would have saved a lot of hurt and pain - mine, his and hers.

As for her wanting more committment - right now, as I understand it, she wants to meet his friends and family just as a friend, not as his girlfriend. I can totally understand this - but they are also MY friends and family and I am just not ready yet. My husband does want this to happen eventually, but he understands that I am not ready yet and that it is going to take time. He doesn't want to tell anyone about having a girlfriend until I am 100% ok with the situation and with her. He wants to be able to honestly say that this is something I am more than ok with. She admits to being an impatient person - so I hope that this is something she works on. I should not be the only person in this who is researching, learning and trying to change my way of thinking. Right now I feel like I am the only one who is making compromises. It does get frustrating at times.

Thanks again - Kat
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  #56  
Old 04-09-2010, 12:10 AM
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Kat-
I have to say again, she's pushing boundaries.
She needs to be able to have a FULLY FUNCTIONAL relationship (not sexual-I just mean two people who get along and can be around each other comfortably) with YOU before she can socialize in that circle of friends.
That's just MY opinion-but that's my POLYAMOROUS PERSON opinion.

I would be HIGHLY offended if my boyfriend thought I should just take him to meet my husbands coworkers-who I am also friends with because. EVEN as a friend.
That is MY and Maca's decision.

Mind you-in our case I've actually been in GG's life 17 years as a close friend at minimum, and Maca's 12.
So it also goes the other way around, I didn't go taking Maca and dragging him through GG's circle of friends either.
That's GG and I's place to decide when that is appropriate.

So I can totally understand why that would make you cringe.

As for the rest-I strive to always be an understanding person and just because you are in the opposite role as I am in terms of relationship, that doesn't in anyway lessen the importance of being understanding of you. IN FACT since you are in the same role as someone I dearly love-it makes it VERY VERY important for me to be understanding!
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  #57  
Old 04-09-2010, 12:16 AM
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Does she have email?

Maca made GOOD use of that with GG and so did I.

If any of us finds something that we think is helpful or pertinent, it gets emailed to all of the others.

Great way to give a "show of good faith" too.
Ask for her email.
THEN send her links.

Hell-check out www.xeromag.com (specifically the poly section) and start clicking away then send to her. There is a WEALTH of info in there.

There is also some at www.lovemore.com and they have an email newsletter.

Also... let me find Deborah Anapol's I was reading it last night........www.lovewithoutlimits.com if you scroll to the bottom of that first page and click on articles you can see her articles (sorry if that sounded stupid, just trying to save you time).
Also-I read the lovewithoutlimits book-great book. Mono suggested it to me actually-and he tends to have great advice.
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  #58  
Old 04-09-2010, 02:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
ok I will play devils advocate here. Why not look at the cutesy name as a positive on YOUR behalf. You have been with him longer, developed a relationship and he has opened up becoming more loving and caring.

Partner two comes along, do you want him to revert backwards? Or be the kind caring person your shared relationship made?

Ideally in a relationship people grow and mature...regardless of the other stuff that happened, maybe this is one thing you shouldn't be worried about.
Ariakas - I am trying to look at it that way. A lot of who he is now, is because of me, our marriage and the love we have for each other. He is no where near the same man he was when we met. I have his committment for life - what's a nickname compared to that? Nothing! I'll take the committment over the nickname ANY day. Thanks for helping me see that!
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  #59  
Old 04-09-2010, 02:31 AM
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LR - thanks for the links. I emailed myself some of the articles to read tomorrow. The girlfriend and I are having dinner tomorrow night - in an effort to try to get to know each other better. We have tried before, it works for a while, then I get crazy jealous about something and end up having a meltdown. I know my husband has told her about this site - but I don't know if she has checked it out or not. I hope she does because the advice/experiences on here support a lot of what I've been saying and feeling and it might help both my husband and his girlfriend to see that I am not crazy, that this is hard to learn to accept and that set backs will happen. I think they both could learn a lot about their own perspectives from others on here - not just mine.

I will mention the sites to her tomorrow night.

Thanks and goodnight - Kat
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  #60  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:31 AM
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Well,

Ive had some time to think and went on a 4 mile walk today so I think I can give you my story.

When LR " came out " to me I was in shock. I went for a walk ( with a bottle of 151 rum). I made a decision , like many of you, that I wasnt going to give up on our marriage. I didnt want to share, I didnt want to accept it, I didnt want it to be real.
The jealousy hit me many times. When I got to the point that I could see the jealousy for what it was I would stop all reactions and I would ask myself what does * insert issue* really mean ? Does it take away from me or from my relationships? What about the issue really bothers me and ( even more important) why does it bother me?

More times then not I came back around to some feeling of inadequacy that I felt about myself. Funniest thing is that the inadequacies that I was feeling, I was the only one that felt that way. The people in my life that loved me didnt feel that way about me.

The biggest "game changer" for me was self introspection. IMO most people that are feeling jealous feel that way because there insecure about themselves. STOP, BACK UP , TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Now what is it that you think you lack? Whats missing from you? What about you can you make better?

Its so very very very important that you are happy with yourself ( truly happy not just saying that you are) only then can anyone else grow in a relationship to a higher " more loving" level. I know this sounds all " self help bookish" but it was key to me and to LR and I finding a higher level of love.

When you can answer this question with a smile on your face then you will understand what I mean. The key here is thatwen you answer this question is there a smile on your face and is it a real smile?


QUESTION= If your SO was to come to you tonite and tell you that they wanted out of the relationship and that they really didnt see any reason to discuss it further. That they had found someone else that made them happy and that they were leaving you. ... Can you see yourself being happy ever again?.................



If you believe in yourself enough to answer that question with a " that would suck and hurt but I would be ok " and have a smile on your face beacuse you know that you are a good person and that you are lovable. Then you will be ready willing and ABLE to get to that higher level of love ( not only with others but with yourself).

Go out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! You all have things to offer to the world so stop being stingy and start sharing how wonderful you are with the rest of us. We are here with open hearts minds and arms.



Peace and Love
Maca
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