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  #11  
Old 04-03-2010, 12:45 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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The time blocks is a good one.

Better yet, at least for dinner, have him shut the darned phone OFF! My 14 y/o's know that supper time is time with US, just us (me & them) & that no one is going to take that away from us unless there's an emergency. If there is an emergency those who know have our house number & will use it instead of cell phones.

You could also have a block of time, say a couple hours AFTER the two of you have reconnected after their time, for him to gush about her, talk about her, etc. before and after that is a no no.
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Old 04-03-2010, 04:36 PM
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The time blocks is a good one.

Better yet, at least for dinner, have him shut the darned phone OFF! My 14 y/o's know that supper time is time with US, just us (me & them) & that no one is going to take that away from us unless there's an emergency. If there is an emergency those who know have our house number & will use it instead of cell phones.

You could also have a block of time, say a couple hours AFTER the two of you have reconnected after their time, for him to gush about her, talk about her, etc. before and after that is a no no.

Breathes-that is a GREAT idea! A "gushy time". It may feel uncomfortable right now OP, but if you DO find a bf, you will treasure that you put that in place believe me! There is something to be said about the NEED to tell your loved one how happy something made you. Like new parents-who tell EVERYONE about their little bundle of joy. In polyamory-so many people are still in the closet and CAN'T do that with anyone, so being able to do it when you come home is important.

I really treasure Maca's efforts to become comfortable letting me tell him how I feel or what I think after a "date" time with GG. In fact it's actually helped him because I tell him good or bad and he has found that in fact JUST LIKE WITH HIM there are good AND BAD moments.
I would advise considering if there are SPECIFIC things that are TOO much to hear RIGHT NOW-for example, if we have sex or make love, I don't lie to Maca, but I don't get into details. He asks if it was "fun" and I say yes. I can smile as big as I want-but he's not ready for specifics yet, might never be. That's ok! Being able to smile that big happy satisfied smile is enough. And when in turn that gets us all worked up-all the more better!!!
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  #13  
Old 04-03-2010, 04:58 PM
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Thanx LovingRadiance.

We don't officially have that gush time but I have noticed, especially since Possibility and I are getting together, that Gush time IS important. It allows me that time to come down from the NRE into the here and now and & it helps me reconnect with Primary. It helps him know that I am happy with what's happening, lets him know when something isn't right & it's the same when he's been out with someone. He gets that time to tell me as much as I want to know and he's willing to tell. It also helps us know the others a little better if we don't know them personally.

Thinking about it gush time has always been there, we just don't always utilize it.
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Old 04-03-2010, 08:42 PM
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Loving Radiance and Breathesgirl - thanks for the suggestions. As for the terms "my time" "her time" - he hates that too. However, my husband and I work opposite shifts. Unless I stay up way past my bedtime, we would not see each other from Sunday afternoon until Friday afternoon. She has all of that time to see him, text him and talk to him on the phone, when they can arrange it, since I am not around. I don't care what he does when I am at work - that is his time. Weekends are the ONLY us time and family time that we get. That time is very precious to me. I do get territorial during that time and feel that she is intruding when she contacts him. I feel that she is trying to get his mind on her and off of me. That might not be true - but it is what I feel. I feel that there needs to be respect between her and I. I respect the time she gets with him and in turn, I would like the same respect from her. They both see it as no big deal and think that it is me trying to be controlling - not the case. I am trying to work on my feelings by trying to eliminate some of the things that I know trigger them. I need their cooperation and understanding. I hope in time that they can understand where I am coming from and that eventually its not an issue.

I never thought that he might NEED "gush time." It is hard for me to hear what a nice time they had - because I do feel left out. It's hard to hear that they went places that we go, or to a hotel that we pass all the time. I do worry that he is having more fun with her since our life is more complicated due to work, kids, bills, house etc. He did mention a few things yesterday, and honestly, some things bothered me. Not as much as they normally would - so I see that as progress. Its been almost a year since they started dating, and it has taken a long time for me to get where I am. I am proud of that - but I know I still have a long way to go. After reading a lot of the posts on here, I see that it is possible. Up until now, I have felt alone in this and have had no one to talk to who understands the compexities involved. I am so glad we found this site!
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Old 04-03-2010, 11:46 PM
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You're quite welcome.

Since weekends ARE the only time you get together yes, she needs to let you guys have that time, period, end. She needs to respect that the two of you need your time to reconnect after a hectic week, connect with the kids as a family unit.

I have had the problem with 'our places' that he has taken others to. We've talked & it makes sense to reserve one place that is just for the two (or family unit) of you as your special place where neither of you takes another significant other. We have a restaurant that is just for the two of us we take someone there together, we don't take others there individually.

Keep talking in a non-confrontation manner, eventually your calmness & willingness to work through things will win out. Of course, you could always buy a nerf bat & use it as a clue-by-four to knock some sense into him, lol.

With gush time you can always give him a time frame of, say, an hour to tell you what he wants to tell you about their time together (within whatever limits you guys have set up) after that it is time for you and your family.

I've had the problem, too, have the feeling of them doing all the fun stuff while I get stuck with the boring, mundane, day to day stuff. We do have that but we also do manage to have some fun time together as well, it's just sometimes hard to see that. Sort of not being able to see the forest for the trees, you're too close to it so you don't see what's staring you in the face.
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  #16  
Old 04-04-2010, 06:14 PM
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KT,

I'm more in your husband's position than yours (I'm the pivot of a primary vee, and one partner is newer to poly and less comfortable with it). That said, I'm happy to share some of the strategies we've been using to work towards compersion and feeling okay with our constellation of people:

~ We do our best to ask if it's a good time to discuss relationship stuff (whether it's NRE-style gushing or concerns or a boundary discussion or whatever) before starting to talk about it.

~ If I'm contemplating setting up a date, especially with one of my secondary/tertiary loves, I check in with Twig beforehand: what percentage is he at emotionally? (We found putting a number to it really helped us talk.) If he's feeling really stressed and not up for handling it, I'm more likely to postpone. (The deal is that he has to tell me how he's doing, and I have to make an intelligent decision about how to act-- I do NOT have to cancel.)

~ If Twig's feeling uncomfortable about a situation, we talk about little rules we can make that would make him feel better and that I'd be completely okay with. (Twig and I are monogamous shower buddies, for example, and it sounds from your posts like some kind of texting rule might really help you, KT.)

~ We say it on here all the time, but it's worth repeating: communicate, communicate, communicate! Little miscommunications can get ugly quickly, as you know, and the more you talk (both about plans and feelings) the more information you all have to make good decisions.

Keep posting and sharing-- we're here for you!
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  #17  
Old 04-04-2010, 10:59 PM
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KT, where do I even begin. This is like reading about my own issues Right now.the only difference I am a mono married to a poly and I am included in threesomes every once in awhile that have gone well. But I feel for you with the jealousy and your ups and downs. These posts have been helpful to me as well. My husband is with a coworker right now. She is so very in love with him and he loves her to some extent back. It is hard and it has only been a couple of months for me. you say its been a year for you and you are still working through some issues. The fact that you said divorce is not an option really hit me. There are so many times I just want to give up. These posts, especially yours helps me realize I can't give up. He is my life and that would be like suicide in the worst way.
I lost it today over an issue that wasn't even her. I just feel like my emotions are always on the tip of the iceberg and very hard to control right now which makes our marriage very difficult. Is this normal to let your emtions run away? Any advice there? Thank you to KT for this post and all the reponses. They have helped more than her.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-15-2010 at 08:11 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-04-2010, 11:54 PM
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Then, while him and I were out tonight, she sent him a few texts, and the negative feelings came back. When they are out together, I make a point NOT to text him, unless it is an emergency. Sure I would like to text him to tell him I love him or that I miss him - but I don't. I respect her and the time they spend together. I did text him today twice: once to see when he would be home so I knew if I had time to run out, and again because of something concerning the "lie" we had to tell our children as to where he was last night and this morning. That was it. He was gone 26 hours and I texted him twice. She is away from him for a few hours and texted him at least 4 times that I know. I can't imagine why she would need to. I have asked her in the past to please respect the little bit of time he is with me and the kids - she continues to text. This is when the anger and resentment started to set in. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. But this is a trigger for me. I have tried in the past to explain it to both of them - they don't understand why its a big deal. I do hope I get to the point that its not a trigger, but right now it is.

At times when this has happened in the past - I did get angry at him and we fought about it. I didn't do that tonight. I did make one comment when I saw him texting her back - I said "you're mine now." He explained that he was just answering her earlier texts. As far as I know there was no texting after this.

Kat
Kat, I have been here. At the beginning of the relationship between Kitten and Gator she was constantly calling and texting him. I couldn't get any private time with him and it used to hurt me that he didn't ensure we had some and piss me off to be honest that she didn't respect me enough to let me have some.

Gator and I understand each other on this now. Have done so for a long time. Kitten still doesn't seem to get it. I can be on a date with Tech and she'll call or text about just the smallest thing. She can be on a date with Gator and she still will call or text Tech or myself.

Most nights there is no problem with how much Gator and Kitten, or I and Tech, communicate. It is the date nights that matter to me. Those between any of the dyads. Here is why I think so...

...each dyad should have a special time together. A time when you give each other your undivided attention.
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
............. I just feel like my emotions are always on the tip of the iceburg and very hard to control right now which makes our marriage very difficult. Is this normal to let ur emtions run away? Any advice there?
My personal perspective............

I think the culture we live in encourages emotionality. It's labeled as some twisted form of freedom ?

Personally (only) I find it self defeating. It's very difficult to have any kind of meaningful/productive conversation with someone who is emotionally out of control. You can't get down to facts when every word triggers some additional chemical signal (emotion).

I'm going to stay in the place I've learned seems a better place to be. A place where emotions are laid aside for there own separate acknowledgment and facts and reality get first priority.

I've just seen to many rash actions leading to unfortunate results from allowing emotions to hold sway over words & actions.

GS
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Old 04-05-2010, 02:24 PM
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**I want to clarify one thing before I post my reply - I am mono, my husband is poly. However, I am free to have a relationship outside of our marriage if I choose to. At this time, I choose not to (unless we go swing together.) Prior to this past year, my husband was mono. He met and fell in love with someone at work - which has led us to research this and discover polyamory - which he can identify with. If things don't work out between them - we will go back to have a monogamous marriage.**

suadade - your experiences are definitely worth alot - thanks for sharing. It helps to feel not so alone when you see that there are other people in the same situation who have found a way to make it worth. I think it helps my husband to understand me when he hears how other people have dealt with this. So thank you.

ak2381 - isn't it great to realize that you are not alone? Maybe we can help each other through the ups and downs? As I said earlier - DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION. I have wanted to give up, I have told him I wanted a divorce, I have taken off my wedding rings - - - then I realized how much more painful that would be. I cannot and will not give up my marriage, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my childrens father, my life, my everything! He means the world to me and my world would be nothing without him. So I have to learn this new way of thinking. I grew up with the societal expectations and definitions of marriage. Its hard to think any other way. But I'm trying.

I think a lot of my negative emotions come from the fact that I sometimes feel like she is trying to take him from me. That the 19 years of ups and downs, good times, bad times and horrible times now mean nothing. The sex is one thing - what gets me really worried, upset and jealous is the intimacy between them. It hurts knowing that they are learning things about each other. That things I only knew before, she now knows. It hurts to picture them laying in bed and him sharing personal and intimate things with her. I hate that she thinks she knows him as well as I do - like the 19 years are insignificant. I hate that they have the little inside jokes, secrets, and special places together. That is what hurts me more than anything. Those are the things I am trying to work through on the way to my goal of compersion. It's been extremely difficult though!

I think it would be one thing if when I meet my husband 18 years ago that he told me he was poly. Because then I would have had the opportunity to make the decision myself if this is something I can learn to understand and accept. That didn't happen - so I am now left to reevaluate my marriage. To accept that my marriage is different than I thought it was. Sure we still have love, committment etc - but I know have to accept to understand that my husband has a girlfriend - that isn't so easy. I feel like I don't have a choice - I have to either end my marriage or learn to accept this. Obviously I have chosen the latter - but it's a process of ups and downs. I am seeing a counselor (so are they, seperately) I am reading everything I can get my hands on and I am here, trying to learn from those who have been there, done that.

My husband and I had a big talk last night. We are trying to communicate, communicate, communicate. It was a nice talk. Until he brought up that the girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She wants to start meeting his family and friends. I am not ok with this. I am still trying to figure this all out and I am not ready for that next step. Neither is he really. He feels like she is rushing things. This is where I feel like she forgets I am here, that what they do does affect me. I don't really understand where she thinks this is going. He is married, she is married, we all have kids, this isn't going to be a communal thing. This is limited to some extent. She wants more and more and that is where I am starting to feel resentment again. I understand that relationships are fluid - and I am trying to keep that in mind. However, this is a huge step that can and will affect him and I for the rest of our lives. Once we tell people, we can't take it back. Their opinions of him and I will forever be changed - if she sticks around or not. One of our family members already knows and they didn't take it well, they don't understand it and they will never accept her. It's a very touchy subject. I do understand that she is not a monster, that she does have feelings and needs too - but I don't think she is being realistic and I don't think she realizes how this will affect us.

Sorry for rambling - sometimes just getting this all out, helps.

Thanks - Kat
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