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Old 05-31-2012, 05:19 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I missed the big fuck you message. Where is that exactly? She's treating him as her Pet /puppet ....for someone looking at brain surgery ...really. WTF Somebody hit a nerve here. Does Mrs. Tone dislike you playing with your phone?

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-31-2012 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 05-31-2012, 08:28 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211

I don't get it....I really don't get it! This woman is asking for one day of attention on her and her needs...period! I don't give a crap if this is the husband's "way of coping". There's more than one way to "cope". The husband just met this new woman.....so what would he have done to "cope" if he didn't have another woman to text/sext??

Is the idea of "commitment and caring" totally self-focused for some people in poly, e.g. "I'm totally committed to always putting my wants, needs, feelings, etc. first"???? So......"If you can't meet my wants/needs, I deserve to go find someone else who can...because afterall I deserve to have all my needs met, when I want them met, by whomever I want to meet them...and it's YOUR problem if you have wants and needs that aren't getting met!" This is a 2 year old developmental level of thinking and "loving", not mature love. One could say that's what the partner having surgery is wanting, but we're looking at an exceptional situation and circumstances here.

If I was this new woman and knew about the brain surgery situation of the other person's partner....(From what I read the new woman isn't aware of the upcoming surgery.)....I'd be very disappointed to find out that the man I was interested in had such little self-discipline, control or respect for his other partner's wants and needs during times of crisis. It could just as easily be me needing the extra support the next time!

And I own up that I already think it's terribly rude and disrespectful to be texting while in a conversation with someone else. (Unless there's an emergency.) It does put out the message that what ever the other person is texting is more important/entertaining then what we are discussing. If that's how you really feel...then own it and say so.....so I can say "Good-bye"!~! People have developed and maintained relationships for years without cell phones and text messaging. NOTHING IS THAT URGENT UNLESS IT'S A TRUE EMERGENCY!!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 05-31-2012 at 08:30 PM.
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Old 06-01-2012, 01:15 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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I believe it's best to start as you plan to continue...if you would like certain entire nights set aside for you and your family, and both of you stick to the same boundaries of disconnecting from other relationships to focus on your plans, it's smart to start that off from day 1 in any new relationship. I feel like I've seen a lot of people post lately about having a partner with a new interest where they are spending every day from sunup to sundown distracted by texting/etc their new partner. I know most people don't feel as extremely as I do, but if I was in that situation, I'd find it really invasive, almost like having an unwanted house guest who was constantly underfoot. I kind of liken it to when my husband is all into a new video game - he may be physically here, but he's not present or available to be my partner.

I'm not a big texter at all, neither is my husband, though he's constantly checking email. My boyfriend is big on texting (or so it seems from the amount of times his phone makes noise when I'm with him, but I really appreciate that he ignores his phone when we have a date (unless he gets a double text ring from the important people in his life, in which case it's his cue to check). I feel good that I know he will ignore my emails or texts too if he is with his wife or girlfriend, cause I interpret that to mean he's being the attentive partner they deserve during their time together.

My husband and I have Tuesdays and Fridays as our set "date days" so whether it's a date out or we are just on our computers in the same room, we have an agreement to not to start or respond to non work related communications from others from the time we get home until bedtime (barring emergencies of course).

If one of us really needs or wants to respond to something, we say "Hey do you mind if I...? That way if we feel we aren't getting enough quality time and attention we might say, no please, just us tonight, and the rest (which is most) of the time, it's likely to be no problem. It's a good chance for both of us to practice the skills of
1. remembering agreements we make
2. disconnecting from electronic media long enough to pay attention to our actual life and relationship.
3. being brave enough to speak up if if we aren't getting enough attention
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 06-02-2012, 03:08 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
That's the only way that would have been consistent
You want consistency from someone facing BRAIN SURGERY in the next week?? Talk about unreasonable...

And you know, since she's the one facing HAVING the surgery, yeah, AT, I think she gets a pass on having emotions and reactions that maybe aren't how she'd normally react. Even if she WAS sending him a "fuck you" message (which I don't think she was, unless he was sending one right back to her by doing something he knew she wasn't okay with!), it's forgivable and understandable. I can totally see where it would be all about her and her fear, her surgery, her life.

And it sounds like PolyCurious did a GREAT job of stepping back, re-evaluating, and finding the ways they could agree after the some of the emotional intensity had passed. I don't think I could have done nearly as well, facing the same situation.

Good Luck PolyCurious! I'll be sending positive vibes your way!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 06-03-2012, 11:03 PM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 31

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Did you also ask him to refrain from talking to anybody aside from you? That's the only way that would have been consistent--if you asked him not to speak to people just because you thought he should do nothing except spectate at your experience. As it was, you simply asked him to not speak to some people, though that may have been only because there weren't many people in close proximity with whom he'd strike up conversation.

Get the idea that I think your request was unreasonable? You should. If he were to be texting while engaged in conversation with you, he would be out of line. When he's not actively engaged in a discussion with you and simply waiting, with whom he speaks and how he goes about doing it isn't something you get to decide.

And it was a big "fuck you" message to him. Fuck his experience--he can only think about yours. Fuck his way of managing his stress--he can only do what you want him to. Fuck him being his own person--he's supposed to be your pet/puppet and only do what you want.

Evidently this struck a cord for you. Let me first say I posted to get some outside perspective because my feelings were heightened due to the situation - I didn't expect to get a slap on the wrist - but appreciate the constructive advise that has been offered in this thread.

To your first queation... No I didn't request he cease all contact with everyone. I know my husband and I knew this would be the only person he may sext with. We have family and friends who have been waiting on pins & needles to find out what my neurosurgeon recommended. In my eyes there is a drastic difference in sending a group text with the update and fielding one or two very quick phone calls. Of those friends a couple were outside partners whom we have known for a good deal of time - once they got the news they offered their well wishes & gave us space to work through what was going on. So, yes I did request a specific person because I knew this particular person would be the only person whom that may take place. Now if you find that unreasonable or not that was my thought process. She was not aware of what was going on as this is only a week old budding relationship. Now that she is aware my impression is that she would have not engaged in flirty talk preferring to give us some space and Hubby would have had to figure out another way to cope.

I think I may have requested a full day regardless because learning your best option to have brain surgery I am allowed to have some freak out moments and as my partner in life I don't think it unreasonable to ask for Hubby's emotional support. However allow me to provide some insight into our day - it was not a quick appointment and then home. After the insight given here I can certainly see the difference of opinion in regards to the amount of time requested. As it was our day felt full with very long appointment with neurosurgeon, meeting with finance office to find out how much money we needed to schedule surgery, letting family & friends know what the status was, going to bank to get a loan and then finally taking time to talk & let it sink in what is happening. It felt very much to me like a whirlwind day.

It IS me that will be having a hole in my scull & someone cut on my brain. It is me that runs the possibility of complications of never waking up or having a stroke of permanent damage such as numbness in my face or palsy. So, by nature a greater amount of the support is coming my way. I am certainly aware Hubby has the same fears and the thought of loosing his wife or the other risks. I am doing everything I can to support Hubby as well, to love him & reassure him. To imply that my request to not have sexual conversations, whether it is his coping mechanism or not, is some how negating his feelings or ignoring that this is hard for him as well is preposterous.

Let me also say I don't think it unreasonable that I can never ask for Hubby's 100% attention. As I've said I certainly can see the insight given to the length of time requested as well as understanding Hubby & his coping style. But I still believe there are moments in our lives that warrant his full attention whether it be a health crisis such as this, nurturing our relationship or nurturing the relationship with our daughter. It is a work in progress as to how much of that time should be allotted. Hubby does devote time to his outside partners. For example when he did see her on Friday he spent an entire afternoon with her during which time I did not speak/text him nor did he speak/text me. I deserve the same quality of time afforded to others.

Finally, I did offer this thread to Hubby to read. He disagreed immensely that he felt I was saying "fuck you" to him. He understood I was expressing what I needed at the time. After some time to reflect he regretts sexting with the new woman, regardless if I had asked him to or not. He shared that while he does use sex as a coping mechanism & that's not a bad thing there are times that are more appropriate than others and he felt he used it more to disconnect and took away his focus at a time he was needed. Though I did offer, because
I don't want him to feel he can't handle things his way, that it's up to him who & how he talks when I am in surgery but that while with me in my hospital room I prefer he not, he declined stating he will be a mess & will have no desire.

As I mentioned he did spend time with her on Friday with my support & encouragement. He did clue her in about what's going on so since he will be out of pocket for a little bit. She was very supportive (from what I know about her so far I really like her & think she will be good for Hubby) and said because they don't really have a relationship at this point he doesn't owe her anything and would expect during this time his priority would be his family. She is excited to when they can see each other next and see where things go but he understands she is not tied down & free to date & if in the next month she meets someone that changes her availability to pursue things with Hubby she will let him know. In the mean time they will stay in touch.

It all worked out. I am thankful to be able to use this place as a sounding board. I am novice in the poly world & still learning a lot. This is how we grow. It just so happens we took the leap into exploring poly at a time of extra stress & that seems to have also cause this transition to not go as smoothly as I'd like. We'll get it, slowly but surely.

Thanks for all the words of wisdom & well wishes!

Last edited by PolyCurious4; 06-03-2012 at 11:09 PM.
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