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Old 04-01-2010, 06:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default Dating Married people

Does anyone have any advice on dating married people?

I am seeing a woman right now who's husband has also started seeing someone almost at the same time. We have all known each other for over a year and were all friends before this. The husband met and started seeing someone immediately. It went very fast and they spend a great deal of time together I am lead to believe. While me and his wife hardly spend any due to circumstances that are beyond her control and that I have a busy life.

I am trying to organize my time differently so that I can see her and even talk to her on the phone or chat on line, but it is very difficult. We don't have similar schedules and both have kids and houses to take care of and I have a husband too, a boyfriend and other commitments to people romantically and otherwise.

My frustration lies in that I want to be there for her, but I am unable to be. Not only that I am not sure if I should be. I know she needs someone to talk to about everything that is going on with her husband, but as we are all friends I'm not sure that should be my roll. I have listened and given her my thoughts, but come away feeling as if it might not of been a good idea.

I find myself unable to decide what, if any, my roll should be and frustrated right along with her that he is able to see his new girlfriend whenever he wants pretty much. All this while we struggle for the shortest of texts during work hours or otherwise.

Any thoughts? experiences? questions?
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Old 04-01-2010, 08:22 PM
lisbeth lisbeth is offline
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Wait, is RedPepper posting on the "New to Polyamory" board? hmmm... I wouldn't have considered you a newbie.

Also, I'm a little confused that you're asking for advice on dating a married woman... when you're a married woman... you know first hand what things generally work and don't work in that situation, right?
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Old 04-01-2010, 08:46 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisbeth View Post
Wait, is RedPepper posting on the "New to Polyamory" board? hmmm... I wouldn't have considered you a newbie.

Also, I'm a little confused that you're asking for advice on dating a married woman... when you're a married woman... you know first hand what things generally work and don't work in that situation, right?
Well I'm new to this and don't want to presume I know anything about it if I haven't experienced it before. Everyone I have dated has had no kids and is unattached thus far in terms of a primary relationship in the form of a marriage.

I am married yes. I hadn't thought of it that way, strangely enough lisbeth. I will think on what I would want more I guess. Could be helpful, thank you.

I should probably not assume what I want is what she would want. I will have to talk about it more. If we ever get a chance!
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Old 04-02-2010, 06:13 PM
merry merry is offline
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I prefer to date married men. I am married myself, and I only want secondary relationships where we see each other now and then. By sticking to men in solid, healthy poly marriages, I can try to avoid starting a relationship with a guy who needs more than I can give him.

A married couple will, or should, always have less time for outside relationships than for their own. They are the priority. It sounds like those two may not have a very well established agreement as to how many dates per week are okay, or so forth, which may be a yellow flag.

As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first, and that you and her enrich one another's life - but she cannot complete yours or give you everything you need. It sucks not to be able to spend as much time with someone we love as we'd like to, but we have to accept what our poly partners are able and willing to provide. If that's not enough, then you could seek out other people to date to satisfy your romantic/social needs.
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Old 04-02-2010, 06:39 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by merry View Post
I prefer to date married men. I am married myself, and I only want secondary relationships where we see each other now and then. By sticking to men in solid, healthy poly marriages, I can try to avoid starting a relationship with a guy who needs more than I can give him.

A married couple will, or should, always have less time for outside relationships than for their own. They are the priority. It sounds like those two may not have a very well established agreement as to how many dates per week are okay, or so forth, which may be a yellow flag.

As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first, and that you and her enrich one another's life - but she cannot complete yours or give you everything you need. It sucks not to be able to spend as much time with someone we love as we'd like to, but we have to accept what our poly partners are able and willing to provide. If that's not enough, then you could seek out other people to date to satisfy your romantic/social needs.
Ok, being the woman in question here I want to assure you that my marriage has well established agreements. My husband happens to be away for work quite freqently. Right now he is away and has met someone there who will be eventually be moving to the same city we live in. So they are able to develop their relationship pretty much free of restrictions whereas RP and myself are struggling to find time to spend with each other because I have to find sitters ect to get out of the house. I hope that clears up some of your concerns.

-Derby
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Old 04-02-2010, 07:18 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Great to have both parties to the question on the forum!

"As someone from the outside dating one of them, you have to accept the fact that their family life comes first..."

Yes, that's the way it works for me in dating a married woman. But as Derby implies, situations are fluid. Usually there are complicated scheduling and responsibility aspects which mean that parity is not possible -- and for me, this is in a situation where the marrieds are retired and the singleton is without children or extensive family responsibilities.

I can't really imagine the complications of a full suite of two-households-plus-kids...!

So far the assumption I work under is that the central relationship must be nurtured. As the boyfriend it's not my primary responsibility -- that belongs to the husband and wife -- but it is my responsibility to avoid stressing or undermining it in any way. And to contribute to it in what ways I can.

But RedPepper, you already know this stuff already.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-02-2010 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 04-02-2010, 07:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Ok, being the woman in question here I want to assure you that my marriage has well established agreements. My husband happens to be away for work quite freqently. Right now he is away and has met someone there who will be eventually be moving to the same city we live in. So they are able to develop their relationship pretty much free of restrictions whereas RP and myself are struggling to find time to spend with each other because I have to find sitters ect to get out of the house. I hope that clears up some of your concerns.

-Derby

Well I have to admit that I am jealous! One of the ladies on my derby league just got a new girlfriend and now you two! But I am happy for you, all 3 (or 4, I don't know the other GF yet). I wish I had a girlfriend. I wish I had time to go find one! I don't even have kids and I still can't seem to fit in a social life. I guess I might have to give up sleeping.

Why don't you just have RP visit you at your house until things are less hectic?
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Old 04-02-2010, 08:48 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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That is the plan for Thursday YGirl . Plus we're only looking at another 3 weeks till my husband is home and things get more flexible around here for me. Although I have to admit that 3 weeks seems like forever when you're in the middle of it!
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:14 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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GOOGLE CALENDAR!!!!! is my sanity!

Heck, I even schedule in me time on there, lol.
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  #10  
Old 04-03-2010, 03:19 AM
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I really dont have anything for you RP. Accept for a hug of course

Ive decided to not date married ladys. That decision may change at some point but for the time being....

Although LR and I are doing well in our relationship Im not at the point that Im even looking for anyone else. Of course I wont turn away fate. If I find someone that is meant to be then I will open the door to them.


Going to go cook some dinner.... Get things ready for Easter. Got some extra kids over for the weekend so want to set up some fun things for them to do.



Peace and Love
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