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  #11  
Old 05-31-2012, 09:12 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Did you after the affair seek counseling?
We went a few times together and then as things got better, many of the issues which were the cause of our falling apart became less a problem and the money ran out. So, no resources to finish counselling.


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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What about culturally conditioned to be a primary ?
I grew up in the traditional american way. Went to church, expected monogamy for life. Primary/Secondary terms were not even in my paradigm of how things were possible to be.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What you described is exactly ....EXACTLY....every new spouses fear. The fear of being replaced or diminished. How cultural conditioning plays into this remains to be seen.
Well, I am living in the aftermath of those fears. Everything I had held as socially normal was dumped on its ear 4 years ago. And I admit to being slow at changing. In the last 6 months, I was uncomfortable about what Poly would mean about me and my character. And finally realized that parts of society will shun, parts will not care and parts will embrace.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So if she devotes her energy and resources to the new guy ...what do you get. What fraction is left. Is it the sex now and then. What ?

The timeline doesn't concern you ? "It's over get out ...oh guess who's back...yup ...him" Sounds like a well orchestrated plan. One you weren't in on.

What I get is a friendship that has been challenged through the actions which caused a lot of pain. I am no saint. I have not handled my pain well at all. I get little personal time with her. Maybe one or two hours without the children a week. Last week, we had a morning together. As I continue to pursue poly, she sees it as less of me doing anything to keep us together and more of a possibility. But making plans for us to be together for more than a few hours is not on her books.

Well, the timeline you posted is a little different. It was actually more like, "Oh, guess who's back...yup...him...And I think he is my soulmate and you are not...It's over get out". I try hard to believe she did not do it this way to intentionally hurt me. I know she went back to him before telling me of how troubled she was over our marriage. But she started loving him and then told me. Then 8 days later asked for the separation.
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  #12  
Old 06-01-2012, 06:51 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well, I do see a lot of communication problems here. Many of them stem from instances of, "Oh, I don't want to tell him right now, I'll tell him later." Others stem from instances of, "Oh, I didn't know I felt this way, now what do I do."

I think you're making a tentative venture into poly living, but it has been a turbulent process, and when she says, "I think he is my soulmate and you are not ... It's over, get out." That was a crazy bombshell to throw on you. Did she say it to you like that, in just those words?

Have you talked to her about your need to be primary (co-primary at least)? What is her response?

I am thinking her NRE with this new guy is clouding her sense of reason. It may be that he *seems* like her primary/soulmate, but that could be chemistry talking in her head. The hierarchy could level off after awhile. It would be good if she could be aware of how strong NRE is, and how much it can affect one's judgment. You need extra time/reassurance from her during this time of upheaval, but she is too excited about the new guy to pay fair notice to your needs.

Re:
Quote:
"As I continue to pursue poly, she sees it as less of me doing anything to keep us together and more of a possibility. But making plans for us to be together for more than a few hours is not on her books."
I am getting the impression that you need more than a few hours from her? When you tell her so, what is her response?

Re:
Quote:
"In the last 6 months, I was uncomfortable about what Poly would mean about me and my character. And finally realized that parts of society will shun, parts will not care and parts will embrace."
Good realization. You can't go by society's assessment of your character, because society won't make a consistent assessment. More importantly, only you know the intents and motives that are driving you. That's what your character is really based on.

Re (from Post #9):
Quote:
"She doesn't want me really talking to him directly because of the hurt feelings I have. She is concerned I will ruin her relationship with him."
This is a Big Problem, and needs to be addressed soon. She needs to get whatever level of reassurance she needs from you that you'll "play nice" when you meet with this other guy, and then the family meeting needs to take place: you, her, and him.

Re:
Quote:
"I will keep working on compersion and communication skills. It's the only way it will work."
Agreed.
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