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  #11  
Old 06-02-2012, 10:03 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Why thow that all away because the sex sucks ......are talking then or now?

It depends what value you place on that. Lots of people have and would. Girls help me out here . I don't think polling the guys will help.


Don't you both get into the topic of settling. He has to reluctantly learn to cope with a wife who needs to fuck other guys and you have to settle for an asexual or non performing sexual spouse.

Is he done reading on the forum in the past 10 months?

Is he a member ....and has his own threads? Does he read your threads?
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  #12  
Old 06-02-2012, 10:16 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Don't you both get into the topic of settling. He has to reluctantly learn to cope with a wife who needs to fuck other guys and you have to settle for an asexual or non performing sexual spouse.
Really, I don't get why this would be settling? Surely, the whole point of being poly is recognising that people cannot fulfil us completely? I still don't see why I should give up on what is a wonderful relationship just because of this. My husband and I make each other happy. We have been together ten years and have had three arguments in that whole time. Even with the sex issues and the poly stuff we have always had happy, reasonable discussions about it. No tears or tantrums, and lots of laughs. Whatever would possess me to consider that settling?

Seriously, I tried to be mono because I was doing anything other than settling. I chose to be with my husband and every day I continue to choose to be with him. It is an active choice based on what I want.

I will do everything I can to make my husband and I both happy. At the moment we have this one thing which causes us issues (even the sex has gotten better). How many couples can honestly say that?

Oh, and he doesn't do internet forums at all. Everything I write on here is stuff we have discussed.
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  #13  
Old 06-02-2012, 11:52 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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If you denied your new poly ID and forced yourself to stay in a sexless marriage would you be settling?

Where or what is the line on settling .....principals, religious beliefs, personal choices , things that are heathy or just unhealthy ?

Have these type things come up in counseling ?

Have you seen the thread by anotherconfused she did what you are trying perhaps she can share ideas and tech support.
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  #14  
Old 06-02-2012, 05:21 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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dingedheart:

Dude and I had conversation a few weeks ago very similar to the one happening in this thread.

To set the stage:

MrS started out with a low-average sex drive (at 20 - when we got together), which has gotten lower over time. I started out with a high-average sex drive, which has gotten higher over time (I'm now in my late 30s). So from the beginning our sex-drives were mismatched and this has broadened over time (20 years). (NOTE: there are biological/hormonal reasons why this is a common scenario - as is the scenario where his starts out high and hers low and they get closer over time). However, the sex, when we do have it has always ranged from "pretty good" to "super-awesome-fantastic".

Despite the fact that our sex life has gradually dwindled (to the point of, at times, months in between), our relationship has broadened and deepened throughout the course of our marriage. We each agree that we love each other MORE, enjoy each other's company MORE, and appreciate each other MORE - with each and every passing year.

Dude has a very high sex drive AND his primary "love language" is physical touch. He looks at my marriage to MrS and wonders how it is that we have been so happily married for so long in a relationship that just doesn't involve much sex. ("So why would you not just be great friends, why did you get married?") I think a good marriage is based on so much more than sex. A fundamental shared "philosophy of life", shared goals, communication, companionship, commitment. Joy in bringing happiness to another's life. A desire to live out the rest of our days together with someone we love and trust by our side every step of the way.

To be fair, there have been periods of time (usually hours, but occasionally days or weeks) where I felt sexually frustrated, where I blamed myself for my husband's disinterest ("I'm fat." "I'm old." "I'm unattractive.") This was exacerbated by the fact that I was trying to get pregnant during some of that time. Once we realized that I was unlikely to get pregnant anyway (for unrelated reasons) that actually lessened the pressure I put on myself a lot.

I was able to see that some of my behaviors when I was feeling frustrated - "pesting" him for sex and getting disgruntled and grumpy and feeling sorry for myself when he wasn't interested - were interfering with the sex life we did have. Who wants to have sex with a whiny, needy, insecure person?

I knew that I could be sexy and attractive - regardless of whether MrS is interested in having sex with me at that particular moment. I knew that I was not somehow abnormal because I wanted sex more than my husband. I had other avenues to fulfill my sexual needs - I could masturbate, I could request sexual favours from him that don't require his physical arousal but just his desire to make me happy (PIV sex is not even remotely necessary for me to enjoy sex - it was the pressure of trying to get pregnant that made this a focus), I could seek out sexual relationships with women, etc.

Now that Dude is in our lives, he is happy (eager!) to provide that outlet as well. My sex life with my husband has actually become more active - I think that he no longer feels any pressure for sex and therefore is free to interact with me sexually as much or as little as he desires. He can play with me himself, or they can try to drive me crazy together. He can get me "started" and turn to Dude to "finish me off." He can tell me to go play with Dude cause he's busy, or declare that he's "staking his claim" for the evening. All good! Many happy-funtimes! JOY!

For those of us whose primary "love language" is NOT physical affection a mismatch in sex drives is a minor hurdle to overcome. Not much different, in my mind, than couples who differ over how to handle money (a cheapskate married to a spendthrift), or who come from different religious backgrounds. You talk about it, you work on it, you come up with creative solutions - in the meantime you are living your lives and loving each other.

Just my (very long) two cents.

JaneQ

PS. Sorry for the threadjack - but I think dingedheart is asking some questions that point to the fact that people have VERY different ways of relating sex and marriage which are highlighted when you bring poly into the mix...and where a lot of fundamental struggles can come into play
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 06-02-2012 at 05:39 PM.
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  #15  
Old 06-02-2012, 05:46 PM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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JaneQ, thank you!

Hubby and I have just contacted our therapist for an emergency appointment. Hopefully we can get one next week. If not, it probably won't be until the end of June.

We have had quite a heated discussion this afternoon. It still didn't become an argument but it was as close as we ever come.

We just both feel like it isn't something we can compromise on and we can't see a path through it. I don't like upsetting him and he doesn't like upsetting me so we are both feeling a bit crap about it all.
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  #16  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:02 PM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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I'm just updating really, because it is a cool place to keep some thoughts. If any of you want to ciomment, that is always cool. If not, fair dos.

Hubby decided that I should go ahead with a BDSM session without anal and vaginal intercourse. He was worried but everytime I offered to cancel it he said I should go ahead because we had to deal with my feelings at some point.

The whole experience was fantastic for me but initially mortified my husband. The poly therapist is beyond amazing though and has really helped my husband through his feelings. Hubby has even suggested we go to a poly meet and greet so he can get to know other monos in successful poly set-ups. The therapist actually advised him against going to a specific mono support group because hubby is so much further along in his strength and thinking and belief in our relationship than they are. That was remarkable to hear.

Thankfully, my husband is also cool about me keeping my playmate, which is more awesome than I can say.

There is going to be an enormous amount of work to stay strong, but we both believe we can keep building on things. I am incredibly lucky.
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  #17  
Old 06-30-2012, 05:19 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm glad you and DH are chugging along in your process so well despite the struggles. Kudos!

GG
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2012, 12:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
Why throw that away because the sex sucks?
Yeah, but if you can't get it anywhere else, what's the point of having opened your relationship? What did he expect you to want when he went along with poly? Just people to hug?

Since getting nekkid and fucking is something your hubs won't "allow," how does he feel about you having half-nekkid mutual masturbation sessions with someone? Or just oral? Great sex doesn't have to involve penetration (nor getting fully unclothed).


Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
Hubby decided that I should go ahead with a BDSM session without anal and vaginal intercourse . . . Thankfully, my husband is also cool about me keeping my playmate, which is more awesome than I can say.
Well that's progress.
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