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  #21  
Old 05-29-2012, 02:21 PM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
So glad to hear that things are working out for you guys! Congrats on standing up for yourself.
Thank you! and thank you for the link you posted above as well, it has been very helpful.
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  #22  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:14 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
So just an update if anyone cares LOL. As of this morning I believe we are well on our way to an arrangement that works for everyone. We exchanged several long long emails about our needs and wants and our relationship. He finally admitted that he was in need of some things too after I brought up giving him some freedom to experiment as well. He was and still is a little insecure about this but he says that he wants to try it and wants to see both of us happy. I couldn't be more pleased so far. I know it will be hard for both of us in the beginning but I am very optimistic about this and the fact that we were able to communicate effectively eventually and get to a place where we both understood each other. I told him that I am not a cheater and am not going to become one because of this and he agreed that honesty and openness was a better arrangement than cheating or feeling unfulfilled for years would be. I thank everyone who replied with suggestions and thoughts, it helped me explain things to him and put things into perspective for me. so..... Yep... happy
That's great! Is it weird that I feel pride for you? LOL

I won't lie, when I read the OP and subsequent posts I really worried that this would play out in the ugliest of ways because I figured his knee-jerk reaction could develop into something more.

It just goes to show though, you open your mouth and speak loudly and clearly enough, things can be sorted out as a team! I remember having to explain to my S/O that my knee-jerk reaction didn't mean he needed to stop dead in his tracks, but just that I needed his support and space to process. Honestly when I first signed up to the forum I had no idea I would've come this far emotionally.
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  #23  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:33 PM
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Yay!

I wonder if you will experience what I have and that is that when love is allowed to spread it actually gets bigger! It doesn't divide, it expands farther than I ever thought possible.

Good luck and hugs to him for being man enough to face his fears.
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  #24  
Old 05-29-2012, 08:21 PM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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I know right? I am just so proud of him and kind of shocked because his initial reaction was so strong. But I just did what several members suggested and stood my ground in a very loving way and he did a complete 180 in 2 days of thought on it.

Today he even said that he hopes that his freak out didn't ruin things with her because i had to put a halt on things till we sorted this out. He seemed genuinely concerned for her emotional state through this (she was very upset that he was upset and was concerned that she was ruining my marriage). He said that he wants me to be happy and feels like this is the most honest we have been with each other in years. Seriously, I am so happy right now, i cant quite smiling. LOL!!

Thank goodness for this board!!! Seriously LOVE you guys right now hahahaha!
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  #25  
Old 06-04-2012, 12:40 AM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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So unfortunately we are right back at square one again......

After days of constant discussion on this and reading and such we reached an agreement that he said he was happy with. We still had details to iron out of course but he seemed optimistic about it all and seemed to really get what i was trying to say. He even decided to write her and apology letter stating that his previous behavior was really rude and that he had thought through it all and was OK with us seeing each other.

Skip to yesterday and he just comes out and says that he wants to separate. In NC you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce. He said he is still trying this but wants to prepare in case we decide not to be together anymore. I told him that leaving the marriage was never an option for me and that is why I was open and honest about it all. I asked what about all the stuff you said about agreeing and being OK with all this and he says he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. So thats what I get for my honesty huh? Just tell me what I want to hear and then plan to divorce me behind my back.

I dont have a clue where to go from here. He says that he is going to get an apartment and "date" other people too while we are separated even though he claims that now he can accept nothing but strict monogamy in our marriage. My whole thing was that I was willing to allow him to see others too without breaking our marriage so why now is he doing this??
I dont know...... this has been just a really bad roller coaster ride so far. Ugh
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  #26  
Old 06-04-2012, 04:57 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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awwww, PandaBear, I'm so sorry. I haven't any sage advice, just virtual hugs and sympathies. Please remember that you deserve honesty and fair dealings.
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  #27  
Old 06-04-2012, 06:39 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Have you guys discussed marriage counseling? If you can find a therapist who views both monogamy and polyamory as valid options it might help him work through his dominance/control issues as well as why he seems to react in such a roller coaster way. You two may still end up getting divorced, but it might give you both some peace and closure if you're confident you've tried everything first. And who knows, one or both of you could have some significant realizations about yourselves, each other, and your relationship.

I'm sorry it's played out like this. I hope whatever happens you're able to do what you feel is best for you.
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  #28  
Old 06-04-2012, 09:26 PM
pandabear pandabear is offline
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Thank you NovemberRain, i appreciate your comments


ThatGirlInGray: I offered that we should go to counseling when this thing all blew up but he said he'd "rather just be honest with one another now" That is what I have been doing, but he has just been "telling me what I want to hear". I'm not really sure what purpose that served him but I was kind of floored when he wanted to separate after all the talking and negotiating we had done. I feel kind of shell shocked right now and I told him that this was just another power play on his part, the whole "my way or the highway" stuff.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. He is asking me to decide between her or him again. He doesn't get that its not between her and him its between ME and him. I don't want to leave the marriage "for her", I don't want to end the marriage at all. He keeps throwing up the cliche "you cant have your cake and eat it too". **sigh**
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  #29  
Old 06-05-2012, 12:31 AM
niceinjeans niceinjeans is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pandabear View Post
I don't want to leave the marriage "for her", I don't want to end the marriage at all. He keeps throwing up the cliche "you cant have your cake and eat it too". **sigh**
Some people seem to be hardwired for monogamy. It is his right to have a monogamous relationship just as much as it is your right to have a polyamorous one.

I would say that "you can't have your cake and eat it too" may apply to your relationship with him, but there are many people who are willing to be in a poly-friendly relationship with you. If you truly want a poly life, you may have to choose between a life with him and the life you crave at some point.

I do hope you are able to resolve things in your marriage.

NIJ
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  #30  
Old 06-05-2012, 01:04 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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It's sounding more and more like you're better off without him. I view honesty as fundamental to a relationship; if my partner can't be honest with me, out the door zie goes. You said yourself you grew up while you were married. Is it possible you two have grown in different directions? Especially if he was deployed for significant time periods and you got used to living on your own. (I don't know that he was. I'm guessing based on a decade of intense military involvement overseas...)
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