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Old 05-27-2012, 05:51 PM
naana naana is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Default mono/poly, LDR and time management

1. How to get enough time in a poly LDR where 2/3 of the V live together and the third one is mono and in another country?
2. How to manage it without someone getting miserable almost every week?

i've been in a V-triad for a bit less than two years now. i identify as mono but since i was friends with both my partner (A) and her other partner (M) before me joining the family, i haven't really had problems with jealousy. However, A and M live together in another country and now i find it almost impossible to get my fair share of the ...primary-ness?

We've talked about it couple of times and it has been pretty good for a short while after our conversations but after a while it usually slips back in one way or another.

Our hinge doesn't work or study at the moment, but i have two part-time jobs and school while M manages a fulltime job. Since i live two hours ahead (+2 GMT) of them, i can usually get some time for my relationship before M gets back from work, but it is also the time of the day i would like to use for my friends and family - i am more social than the rest of our V is. Also, it really isn't the same when we get interrupted after couple of hours.

In theory, we have 3 days when it is mostly me and A (online), and 3 days for M and A (computer isn't on) & one shared day. In practice, M is usually still at home on my days, and gets bored when A is only on computer and she doesn't have anything else to do so every once in a while we end up watching something together or what not. i don't usually have the heart to ask her to leave the room, and when A does it, M sometimes gets annoyed and grumpy. When i don't get enough partner-time, i get annoyed and grumpy.

Usually everything ends up with A crying and everyone else being miserable as well.

i don't know if i am being too demanding. A and M have already made lots of compromises and sometimes i want more offline time on our days (=go eat with friends, have walks and what not, actually live ). Breaking up is not an option but i don't know if i can go on like this, right now it's affecting my mental health.

i am sorry about this long and probably a bit incoherent post. i am more than happy to answer to any questions / any advice is muchly appreciated.
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Old 05-29-2012, 05:47 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497


it sounds like things are going pretty well otherwise, and it's simply a question of everybody adjusting to the new situation. Yet, it sounds straining as it is.

Can I ask if there are any complicating factors? For example, why is it that M feels like she has nothing to do when A spends time with you? Do they have a small apartment, like a studio (or living space arrangement where they can only spend time in the same room)? Only one computer/internet and nothing else for entertainment? What I'm getting at is if the problem for M is that A is not spending time with them or if they are simply bored, and if the boredom is due to some aspect of organising their everyday life or due to M not taking enough responsibility to entertain themself.

If it is something concrete, start there. I'm in an LDR (similar time differences and all!) with one of my partners, and I really can't imagine having to skype with either of our other partners being in the same room. Privacy is essential for me, and I have arranged the furniture/living space in a way that allows that as well as possible.

Maybe it would be good to find out what it is that all of you want the most, and brainstorm for a solution which would make everybody satisfied, trying to be as flexible about other things as possible; e.g. how much time you feel you "should" spend together for things to be equal - I don't know if that is something you tend to think, but I sure am familiar with that, and I think it can work better to focus on what people want and what works in the changed circumstances.

If I understand correctly, you identify that you would like for the time spent with A to interfere less with you spending time with your friends. And you aren't satisfied with the intimacy/connection you and A can establish in the current arrangement. M doesn't seem to be happy with the time they are getting with A (some of which may be legitimate and some not - I think it would be helpful if A would make decisions more on the basis what they want to do and less on the basis of what their partners want. For example, in the schedule of 3-3-1, there doesn't sound to be any time for A to take to themself/their friends.) It does sound like you need to break the current scheduling in some way.

Just one suggestion: if, instead of 3 days with A you'd have 2, but focus to make those into really good quality time. The most important aspects of that quality time would be that it actually happens, only includes you and A, and will not be interrupted by M (whether they are home or not). That would, on one hand, free up some more time for you (and A) to spend doing your own stuff and, on the other, M might be more satisfied with that as well, and would be more inclined to give you privacy (although I do think that is something A should insist on, unless there are some space issues that make it really unreasonable).

Hopefully any of that is useful. Let me know how it goes.
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Old 05-30-2012, 06:30 AM
naana naana is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3

For example, why is it that M feels like she has nothing to do when A spends time with you?
i think it is mostly because they only have one computer. Also, they are both quite anti-social outside their relationship and don't have friends in the area. They have mostly been one person for five years before i stepped in... It is cute, really, when it doesn't affect my relationships!

i think one part is also A not being very... independent. She doesn't cook for herself so even on my days M has to come back to cook for her, basically. M does all the financial things (being the only one working in the house) and i think that she might be very stressed too, partly because of financial things/ work, partly because of not knowing what to do with this time thing. i think it has been the only reason we have had fights in the past half a year...

Also, A has said that she prefers not having days for herself. i think she doesn't really know how to be on her own. She has lots of issues from the past i don't know and quite a few that i know about. It is a big mess that i hope we will go through more when i actually live over there. So yeah, that isn't the problem. i will think of the two days -thing though. To be honest, i do miss some family time, it has been quite limited lately because both M and me have been very grabby with our days

Thank you very much. i will talk about this when we have all calmed down a little - this really has been stressing to everyone of us.
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