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Old 05-26-2012, 05:59 AM
genebean genebean is offline
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Default The love language of gifts

The love language that I most associate with is that of gifts and I feel this love language gets a bad rap. My feelings on this have nothing to do with materialism or possessions but of the thought that goes into the gift. I get just as (if not more) excited about giving a gift as receiving. Does anyone here associate themselves with this and what are your thoughts?
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:29 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Gifts was my husbands second highest, I believe, and he describes it much like you do - it's not the value/quantity of gifts as much as the quality. Meaning, on his birthday I can buy him a gift, cook him a fabulous dinner, set aside an entire day all about him, and tell him repeatedly how awesome he is and the thing that will make the biggest impression is the fact that I found the perfect gift, no matter the amount of time, effort, or money it took the fact that it reflects him, me, and our relationship is what he appreciates. For example, he was a big comic book reader as a kid and always missed that. This past Christmas I bought him quite a few graphic novels from a local used book store. It cost me next to nothing, took near to no effort (I frequented the shop anyway), but it was perfect. He got to feel like he was indulging his inner child by returning to a media form he loves, and it was something we could connect over because I chose plots more formatted for adults.

I love giving gifts, but I would much rather go do something special than to receive a gift in return. While this is kind of gift-y since it I appreciate things we don't do often/cost more than we're usually willing to spend a lot more than I appreciate every weekend activities, it is still more of a quality time thing than a gift/monetary thing.
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:18 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It's actually my husband's top love language, and it's my least important one - there's actually only a few people I can receive a gift from without getting really uncomfortable. It's caused problems for us - as in budget and clutter. Receiving stuff I don't need or want can be frustrating. I work hard to keep clutter under control and the last thing I want is another "cute" gift I have to display and dust.

I've finally got him to make an agreement with me that when he goes on a work trip or something, he can bring me back one item under a certain price. He used to bring back half a dozen things that caught his eye. When he sticks to our one item agreement I'll smile and tell him how much I love him, even if I hate the item, because I know it's important to him, and I'm proud when he can curb his tendencies. I try to keep my feelings to myself when he wants to buy a more expensive items for friends or family for a gift, as I know it's how he shows love, but his family seems to be topping each other budget wise every year, and that's a strain too. Obviously poly = more presents to buy .

I wish it wasn't his main love language because it's difficult to find gifts for him, he has all the games, toys, books and geek related things he could want, and I know he likes gifts. Nevertheless, I never thought that was a bad love language, at least as long as it's somewhat about both giving and receiving, it just doesn't come naturally to me because I don't want it for myself.
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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When I love someone, one of the things I do is think of gifts all the time. I can't help it. I see something they would like and want to pick it for them. I start a new handmade project because I think they would like the gift I create.

I feel like the time I spend working on a gift for someone is like time spent with them, when we can't be together otherwise. It makes me feel much closer to them. I don't think it has anything to do with materialism.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:35 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Anneintherain: can totally relate!

MrS is a phenomenal "picker-outer" of gifts (and other stuff). I will, very occasionally (like once every few YEARS) see something that someone I know would absolutely LOVE and get it for them. (I hate shopping and I hate spending money so these are most likely going to be awesome garage sale/flea market/used book store "finds.") I am not a very good "receiver" of gifts either - unless it is one of those "you know me so well - how did I survive all these years without owning this particular item" gifts.

So how did we handle this gift giving language discrepancy? Early in our marriage we decided that we wouldn't give each other "occasion" (birthday, xmas, etc) gifts. If he saw something that he thought I "had to have" he could get it for me as a random present (like my string of black pearls that I got years ago - he hands me a gift box, I ask "what's this for?", he said "Just for Tuesday"). On my end I put a certain amount of our budget in a savings account for him to spend on his "toys" without having to consult with me first (he actually doesn't like to receive his "toys" as presents - it will inevitably be the wrong model or not have a certain option or whatever, he puts a lot of research into his toys and is disappointed if it is the wrong one.)

This actually extends to our families as well - once all of our siblings had kids (we don't have any), I announced that we would no longer be buying presents for anyone over 18 - money not spent on the kids' gifts would be going to their college accounts. (MrS has an awesome time internet shopping for our nieces and nephews - and they get the COOLEST stuff!)

Jane("Acts of Service")Q

PS. I don't like cards either - so I don't send them. My best friend gets really upset if she doesn't get a card from someone for her birthday - she makes an exception for me...
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-26-2012 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 05-26-2012, 03:42 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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:::hanging head in shame::: LOL

I love both giving and receiving gifts. And I absolutely adore cards. I don't know why, I just do. And, I have every card I've ever been given. I imagine that several decades from now when I die there is going to be an AWESOME estate sale. Which is really sad, because I won't be able to go ; p

I love giving Bear gifts. I randomly give him things all the time. Generally it's something useful, like a really cool button-up shirt that I just thought he HAD to have (this has been especially nice lately since he's lost a lot of weight and needs a new wardrobe).

For our recent anniversary I gave him something that really touched his heart. I had always sworn up and down that I would NEVER tattoo someone's name (besides my own, mom, dad, or kid) on my body. Well, I got his name on me in an under-the-clothes location because it's for HIM to see, not everyone else. Because anniversary year 7 is cloth he bought me a purse that I would have never bought for myself because of the price.

Oh, and I'm a total cheap-skate. My favorite stores are all thrift stores, but that doesn't mean a girl can't find nice stuff. You just have to be willing to dig : )
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Old 05-26-2012, 08:03 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Presents!!?? Did someone say PRESENTS???

Maybe it comes from that insane present-opening high from Christmases as a kid, but I freakin' LOVE prezzies. We grew up poor, and Christmas and birthdays were SO exciting, even though our presents were often wrapped in newspaper, and very inexpensive, or used. I just loved me some presents. I remember my mum wrapping ornaments up for me to open after dinner to hang on the tree - just the act of unwrapping was enough of a bribery to get me to do pretty much any chore you could think of without complaint (I grew up on a farm - there were a lot of chores, so smart moves, mom!)

As an adult I still love presents. It can be a chocolate bar, a beautiful bottle of wine, a single rose, a romantic card that a partner made themselves - even a playlist of songs tucked into my drop box is enough to get me all worked up. Objects that I can use are good - every time I wear a particular perfume it reminds me of the person that gave it to me, every time I eat popcorn out of the bowl that a friend gave me I think of him. I also LOVE experiences as presents - like a spa treatment, or a dinner out - to me those are also gifts. So are orgasms. That's a definite present!

As a result of my firm connection with presents (and acts of service), I love giving them, and pay painstaking attention to other people's secret desires. One of my friends had mentioned that she had always wanted to raise tadpoles - when it was the right season, I hiked out to a pond, caught some tadpoles, bought fish food and a used tank for her, and brought them to her house. To this day she says it is the coolest present that she ever got. I'll catch little pieces of conversations and hold onto them; saying "I never had a sock monkey when I was a kid... they are SO COOL!" will result in a sock monkey coming your way on your birthday. Sync is super into fancy Scotch, and so I bought her this gorgeous Godinger crystal decanter with a silver tray, tongs, and six matching crystal glasses. She loves the shit out of that thing, and I have filled it with gorgeous Scotch a number of times for her & E. It's pretty stunning and was a very, very fun gift to watch her unwrap. I get as much joy out of watching someone else open a present from me as I do opening a present from them.

Sync's language of love is time, and E's is affection. They don't mind the gift giver in me though, but I get hauled back from the edge of ridiculous gifts for them sometimes by one/both of them. It's easy to get carried away when you're in love.... they're happier if I cuddle with them on the couch and tell them that I love them than if I were to buy them a fancy present, any day of the week and I do my best to remember that!

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-26-2012 at 08:06 PM.
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:44 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Maybe it comes from that insane present-opening high from Christmases as a kid, but I freakin' LOVE prezzies. We grew up poor, and Christmas and birthdays were SO exciting, even though our presents were often wrapped in newspaper, and very inexpensive, or used. I just loved me some presents. I remember my mum wrapping ornaments up for me to open after dinner to hang on the tree - just the act of unwrapping was enough of a bribery to get me to do pretty much any chore you could think of without complaint (I grew up on a farm - there were a lot of chores, so smart moves, mom!)
I think this is why I don't care much about receiving presents. I remember how hard it was for my parents every year around birthdays and Christmas to make them seem "special enough" by getting us presents. I associate gifts with trying to make money stretch too far. When I know a person is well off or saved specifically for a gift, I love it! I think it's fantastic. But if it was a random whim that takes money away from where it was supposed to go - I feel a bit guilty even if I like the item.

My mom was also really sick when I as a kid (heart issues and all that comes with them) so that's probably why I'm "quality time" too. I always LOVED it when she was feeling well enough to go for a walk with us or take us to the park or, hell, even just to go out and get the eggs with us!

I never thought about the REASONS I rated particular love languages... Hmm..
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:45 PM
genebean genebean is offline
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oh m'gosh! I'm not alone! this made me smile so much. I am not really sure of the reasons behind the importance of gifts for me. It's just such a rush to see something and just know that it was meant for someone you love and to receive a gift that you know took some effort and thought. For my sister a few years ago I bought her the most ridiculous silver penguin statue because I knew it'd make her smile (her love langauge is gifts aswell) so now we have this tradition of getting eachother super silly statues and figurines when the mood strikes us, even though I don't much like the statues themselves I absolutely love the excitement of wondering how she topped my last gift. It has gave us a special relationship for sure. My boyfriend's (polypenguin) love langauge is touch and I try my damndest to make sure I give him plenty of hugs and kisses aswell as showing love in my own way.
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:51 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by genebean View Post
The love language that I most associate with is that of gifts and I feel this love language gets a bad rap. My feelings on this have nothing to do with materialism or possessions but of the thought that goes into the gift. I get just as (if not more) excited about giving a gift as receiving. Does anyone here associate themselves with this and what are your thoughts?
I am totally in alignment with this. My beloveds are both brilliant in the language of hauling interesting things home to the nest. Sometimes they cost very little, or nothing at all, but show that they were thinking of me, of us, of our mutual enjoyment, or of fun that those gifts will make possible. Sometimes the best gifts are something like a snip of a plant that is beautiful, but we don't recognize, and can spend a delicious hour looking up and learning about. Or a rock with such an interesting shape, we can spend hours making up stories about it.

Sometimes the gift is very practical but just right. For instance there is a certain kind of fabric band-aid that I love but is hard to find, being a gardener and tool user who always is dinging up her hands. When my husband brought home a box of 200 of these and presented them with a shy smile and murmuring, "Married people gift!", my heart melted.

I don't mind if they are more lavish--I'm fond of high-powered rifles, for instance (some of which can be gotten quite cheaply, particularly the historic ones). But really for me it's more like the information/experience hunting-and-gathering thing that gets me where I live. The three of us are very much oriented around learning and growing, so anything that supports that makes each and all of us happy.
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