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  #1  
Old 03-28-2010, 12:32 AM
wstrnfu wstrnfu is offline
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Default Help!!!

Ok, there doesnt seem to be anyone else I can talk to! We are a very happily married couple of 39 years. I adore him and he me. About 7 years ago we ventured into the world of swinging. Altho it was fun, it soon became a bit "empty". Till......we met this couple. Also long married, they said they wanted something "more" than swinging and we soon all fell desperately in love. I so love him AND my husband. My husband is crazy about her. So....the problem? I love sharing my husband with her. I love seeing him act like a teenager in love! But I HATE that my male partner and his wife still swing. I have jealousy that I cant control and its ruining an otherwise beautiful relationship. Weird, I know...not jealous of my husband, but of the other couple? My husband has other "girlfriends" that he enjoys, but he much prefers out couple and I prefer to remain with my couple and my husband. I want everyone to be exclusive but they have declined that several times...they say they love the excitement of the swing, but they love us????? I have called the whole thing off several times and then miss them so desperately. Am I just nuts???
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Old 03-28-2010, 02:18 PM
LoyalScorpio LoyalScorpio is offline
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Default two cents

I was just saying that i am not all that experienced to give any advise, but i feel compelled to give an outsiders point of view (however simplified).
My first reaction to your story is: it seems that you are afraid to lose the beautiful thing you have finally found, and that you are more afraid of the new couple spoiling it (your husband already proved loyalty, despite the swinging and more) whereas they haven't yet, so you want to claim (their) exclusivity?
Added to that: my personal response to 'exclusivity', no matter how much I love the person and I have full intention to perform exclusivity on all fields on my part - a part of me does get claustrofobic if the word gets too much focus/attention. Maybe the couple feels this too?
Imho (i don't have near enough relational experience, so please just see it as another point of view), i think it might be worthwile to bite less hard into this situation and give it some more air. Hard to do when you do not want to lose any of it, but it might still just be what you all need?
And I just found out it helps to focus on your own personal things (work, hobbies), instead of focusing a lot on relationships (which I do find hard: what is the perfect balance? I guess it is not static anyway, goes in waves.)
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Old 03-28-2010, 02:23 PM
wstrnfu wstrnfu is offline
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wow, thats pretty insightful, but I think you nailed it. I was just pondering it last night and have decided it's time to "back off". thank you, your insight was just what I needed to hear
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Old 03-28-2010, 02:32 PM
LoyalScorpio LoyalScorpio is offline
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You should do what feels right. I'm not sure if you need to 'back off' entirely, just leave the subject of exclusivity a bit, maybe try to go back to the dating scene, where you have "nothing to lose and everything to gain". (that saying has been taking a lot of weight of my chest lately; a mental disposition that can be hard to achieve when you're holding on to something...) All the best to you and to finding a sky to soar in.
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:44 PM
wstrnfu wstrnfu is offline
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Default thank you

Thank you so much. It's so nice to have some people to talk to about these things without fear of judgement. 10 years ago, if someone would have told me that my husband and I would fall in love with another couple, I would have laughed my head off. I still dont understand how it happened? Or how I should feel about it. One minute his love makes me euphoric and the next miserable. I guess a work in process.....thanks for your input.
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Old 03-29-2010, 01:48 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I find it VERY helpful to remember that I can only control myself. Period.

I can love someone forever. That's my right.
I can enjoy them so long as they wish to be around me. That's my right.

But I can not tell them how to love me or for how long and I can not tell them who they love or when.

I understand wanting exclusivity-I'm in a pretty exclusive V. But as soon as we TRULY accept that we can not control or change another person-and we learn to take them for WHO THEY ARE and not who they are TO US we gain a MUCH deeper intimacy imho.
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Old 03-29-2010, 02:16 AM
wstrnfu wstrnfu is offline
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Default I agree

logically, you make beautiful sense.......in my heart, Im struggling.....but thanks for the thoughts about only being responsible for myself and my feelings.......sometimes we need to hear the simplest things.......and take them to heart. thanks again
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Old 03-29-2010, 02:30 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I understand VERY WELL that it's hard to put into practice (at first) but believe me, like everything else in life the longer you practice-the easier it gets.

Not-well I've done this for a couple weeks it will be easy now.
More like losing weight, eating healthy and working out regularly.
The first 6 months of forcing yourself to do it consistently-you have a LOT of struggle.
But after that there are longer spans of time between struggles.

Keep your head up!

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Old 03-29-2010, 01:35 PM
wstrnfu wstrnfu is offline
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Im trying, Im doing a lot of research and trying to deal with some long buried emotion. I was beat pretty significantly as a child by my step father. He always said "I can make you cry!"....and Im so hard headed, that I decided that noone could ever make me cry. (you see how patient my husband has had to be this last 39 years ) But I certainly appreciate everyone's input, sometimes we get so self involved we need to talk to others, however this subject isnt just something you can bring up everyday!...thanks again
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Old 03-29-2010, 02:53 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I find it VERY helpful to remember that I can only control myself. Period.

I can love someone forever. That's my right.
I can enjoy them so long as they wish to be around me. That's my right.

But I can not tell them how to love me or for how long and I can not tell them who they love or when.

I understand wanting exclusivity-I'm in a pretty exclusive V. But as soon as we TRULY accept that we can not control or change another person-and we learn to take them for WHO THEY ARE and not who they are TO US we gain a MUCH deeper intimacy imho.
Yes, LR covers it nicely here.

Not only can we NOT control others - we SHOULDN'T ! That's really primary to polyamory and a different view of how we relate with others. But we do still have our egos and insecurities and keeping them all in their proper box is an ongoing project.
I say just apply the same thought process to your new loves as you have come to between you and your husband. Celebrate it.

GS
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