Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-31-2010, 06:40 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

Sorry for all the typos I am on my phone.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-31-2010, 06:56 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Thank you for sharing that. I have nothing new to add other than seeing how you both want this..get out there and get it for yourself too! Ok..maybe that is naive of me to say, but I really have little advice

There are many more experienced people in this area.
Take care
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 04-02-2010, 02:44 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 84
Default

Hang in there! I am struggling with insecurity also. I posted a thread here about 6 weeks ago. Since then, I became a bit more confident (not because of posting though). I really was on a roll last week, then I flopped this Monday morning and became very insecure. This time I told her about it.

I think that you should have the talk with him, as the others have recommended. I didn't read the whole thread. Maybe you did have that talk.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 04-11-2010, 09:20 PM
Krazykitty's Avatar
Krazykitty Krazykitty is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 33
Default

Watching this thread...
I'm feeling like total crap because of many of the same types of thoughts, and my husband has not even done anything yet with a new partner. The person he saw who made him want to be polyamourous is 16 years younger than me and so beautiful, like a movie star. I on the other hand, am average looking (and that's being generous) and, obviously, 16 years older. It made me sick for many weeks and triggered all my issues from past traumas. I have to know how to handle this stuff so that I can deal with it when he actually acts on these feelings/needs. My husband says that if I brought up that I wanted to be with someone younger, he wouldn't care in any way. That makes it even worse!
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 04-11-2010, 10:28 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145
Default

The women in my age bracket -- 50s, you guys, 50s -- tend to have the faces of individuals instead of faces off Breck hair products bottles. No offense, young pretty things, but a mature woman can have a face like a cathedral: the architecture is clear and beautiful, there are shadows, mystery, humor and strength. I LOVE them!

Anyway. Now you know what a filthy prevert I am, sneaking around on OkCupid looking at old people. Well, to you they're old people.

Quote:
I feel like [we] are parents to our children and that is all...I am feeling so lost. What if this is a way to escape from what we do not have?
Oh. That first part hurts. The second part has some hope, though. Think carefully about how a poly marriage would help you escape. How will you channel love back into your marriage and not drain love away from it?

I don't have any pragmatic answers, incidentally.

It's awfully easy to imagine the secondary only as competition. How can you imagine it so she's a support -- another pillar, someone to trust and care about, and who will care about you?

I know how to do that as a secondary -- it's natural to my personality type and my ethical understanding to support and care for the primary relationship. But I have no clue about how a primary couple goes about creating or finding a secondary relationship which will provide that constructive influence.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 04-11-2010, 11:00 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

well for an update my husband told me she is too young and acts it. He said that he gets along so much better with me and there is really no interest and he found her to be rather boring. They didn't have much to talk about it as she just hasn't experienced as much as us.

Plus he told me how much he realizes we are best friends , how he actually missed me the whole time .

I respected his time with her and didn't call or text him. He said they really didn't have much to talk about and all he wanted was to text me and call me.

Krazykitty try not worry. I worried myself sick about it and then nothing even really happened. Remember nothing can replace YOU ever.

I think the best thing ever that I did was talk to someone here about it and get advice from other people. I read some great articles and in the mean time spent some time with myself and just loving me.

Everyone hear has such great advice . I love how I can come here and vent and then get all these great responses and advice from people who know the ropes.

Thank you so much everyone
__________________
~ "Kindness in thought leads to wisdom. Kindness in speech leads to eloquence. Kindness in action leads to love."
- Lao-Tsu
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 04-12-2010, 06:30 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
They didn't have much to talk about it as she just hasn't experienced as much as us.

Plus he told me how much he realizes we are best friends , how he actually missed me the whole time .

I respected his time with her and didn't call or text him. He said they really didn't have much to talk about and all he wanted was to text me and call me.

Krazykitty try not worry. I worried myself sick about it and then nothing even really happened. Remember nothing can replace YOU ever.

I think the best thing ever that I did was talk to someone here about it and get advice from other people. I read some great articles and in the mean time spent some time with myself and just loving me.

Everyone hear has such great advice . I love how I can come here and vent and then get all these great responses and advice from people who know the ropes.

Thank you so much everyone
well, there you go. This is what my experience is. Even with the most enlightened younger people I find I just get bored and they seem like a blank slate to me, rather than rick and full in their lives. Anything more than about 5-7 years younger for me and that is how I end up feeling.

I said to someone recently that was about 22 that the time of their life they are in is going out and experiencing the world. Sometimes having good times that alter who they are in a positive way and sometimes creating the baggage that my age group is left to deal with and become enlightened from later in life. Sure, someone at 22 can be enlightened, and that is a wondrous and lovely thing, but it isn't the same somehow as someone who has lived and wallowed in their shit for numerous years and comes out of it shining and rich. It's hard to explain.... still mulling it all over for myself.

Of course I am finding reasons to be happy with my age and not meaning to sound like I don't respect those that are younger... just as someone who is younger would find reasons to to be happy with their age... reasons to understand how they fit so to speak. I thought I better clarify that.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is fun to hang our with younger people and be friends with common interests, but beyond that I just can't seem to find any long term good reason to be partnered with younger people. I know that people do, I just can't seem to find it for myself. Not that I am avidly looking, just interested in this, in me.

Some wonder why I should have a long term goal, but really when it comes to partners I do. Full stop. That is the aim, although a ride along the way is fine too.

I am intrigued by the age thing lately, thanks for this thread.

Glad that you came to a sense of self love and realized your worth tinylove! So inspiring!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 04-12-2010, 01:24 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

Thanks Redpepper I am trying to look at myself as a work in progress.

Quote:
Now, don't get me wrong, it is fun to hang our with younger people and be friends with common interests, but beyond that I just can't seem to find any long term good reason to be partnered with younger people. I know that people do, I just can't seem to find it for myself. Not that I am avidly looking, just interested in this, in me.
This is basically what my husband said. I think it helped him more than me to realize just what he is looking for and then looking at what he wants for us. We talked a lot last night about it and amazingly it has brought us closer than ever.

I found it amazing how my feeling, thoughts, and insecurities overwhlemed me completely to the point where I was feeling sick to my stomach every single day. Thinking some pretty irrational thoughts and thinking they would come true.

I am glad that I can look at those thoughts now and realize them for what they are. Mostly thoughts and not really facts.
__________________
~ "Kindness in thought leads to wisdom. Kindness in speech leads to eloquence. Kindness in action leads to love."
- Lao-Tsu
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 04-12-2010, 04:38 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Well, I am in a relationship with an "older" woman and a "younger" woman, and I have to say that both have their unique charms.

That having been said, the "older" woman has a youthfulness, humour and energy to her that I find immensely appealing, and the "younger" one has an emotional maturity to her in terms of her core values that mean that our relationship is meaningful. Before I met her I never ever thought that I could have a relationship with someone that much younger than me, and was concerned that "getting old" would mean that we became staid and boring. I have chosen well (or been lucky, depending on your outlook).

Neither is better - they both have their wonderfully unique charms and I wouldn't swap one for the other for all the tea in China.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-13-2010, 03:40 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I don't know what I think about age.

I'm 11 years younger than my husband and 8 years older than most of my friends, who are mostly in university "the first time around" (whereas I'm on Round 2.) I'm 11 years older than my step-daughter. Those 3 years difference sure make a huge difference between her and my friends, or maybe it's just that I've "clicked" better with friends who are mature for their age.

One thing that always makes me laugh is when someone insists they are mature for their age. I've never met someone who claimed this for which it was actually true. One girl I met at Pride last year refused to tell me her age, insisting that it would change the way I thought of her. I'm bad at guessing age, so I didn't even try. She told me she was mature for her age. Meanwhile, the only reason she ever called me was to ask me to come drive her somewhere. Sure enough, she eventually told me she was only 16. I never figured out where the mature part was supposed to fit in, I never saw it.

My husband is dying to go back to college. He's quite honest about the reason: so many pretty young girls in tight jeans :P He likes to look at them, but he's no idiot. He knows that these girls are not remotely able to provide for him the things that I can: stability, someone who cleans up after herself and knows how to do laundry and even cooks once in a while.

I would never worry about being replaced by a younger model. We're not cars, and if we've married someone with half a brain, they'll know what they have. It's fun to have flings with younger women, and there may even be some love that develops, but I don't think it could ever replace something established, comfortable, timeless...
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:33 AM.