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Old 05-23-2012, 04:32 AM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
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Default my failings...

So, everything was hunky dory, and then our girlfriend did one of those ' End it without actually ending it'. Which, to be perfectly honest, really didn't bother me much, and it seems to bother my husband even less. Anyhow, I joined some dating sites, but have had very little luck. It seems I am too picky, and also that so many of the women on these sites just want sex. I'm much more interested in a relationship, whether it be casual dating, or something more serious, but nothing as uninvolved as one night stands after exchanging dirty pics and sexting. There is one good prospect, who unfortunately lives far away. My new issue is this: our rules at this point include me only seeing other women, not men, and that those people will never be people I work with. Unfortunately, I've become VERY interested in a man I work with. My husband is still not comfortable with these rules being changed. I want to respect his needs, but day in and day out my want for this other man is getting stronger. What should I do!?
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiperDown View Post
So, everything was hunky dory, and then our girlfriend did one of those ' End it without actually ending it'. Which, to be perfectly honest, really didn't bother me much, and it seems to bother my husband even less. Anyhow, I joined some dating sites, but have had very little luck. It seems I am too picky, and also that so many of the women on these sites just want sex. I'm much more interested in a relationship, whether it be casual dating, or something more serious, but nothing as uninvolved as one night stands after exchanging dirty pics and sexting. There is one good prospect, who unfortunately lives far away. My new issue is this: our rules at this point include me only seeing other women, not men, and that those people will never be people I work with. Unfortunately, I've become VERY interested in a man I work with. My husband is still not comfortable with these rules being changed. I want to respect his needs, but day in and day out my want for this other man is getting stronger. What should I do!?
Sorry to hear of your break-up.

Which dating sites are you using? OKCupid.com tends to be very poly-friendly. There is also polymatchmaker.com. The success of either one will depend on where you are, I think.

As far as having the hots for this guy at work, well hey, just because an opportunity comes along doesn't mean it has to be acted upon. You can simply enjoy having a crush or feeling an attraction without doing a thing about it, and that could be a great learning experience. Just let him be a delicious part of your work day! Honor your agreements with hubs but sit down and check in with each other on a regular basis to see if and where things need tweaking. And don't agree to things you can't live with. You can compromise instead. But if you do agree to something than respect that agreement as if it was your own idea. A lot of people take issue with a OPP, and I am one of them, but if this was what you agreed to, then don't start trying to figure out how to play with that boundary unless and until you agree to change it. Your husband might see things differently down the road, but for now - this is what you've got. It may be for the best - I have had many, many flings with guys I worked with over the course of my life, and there is always the potential for disaster (even losing your job) in that situation.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:25 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I might break it down into a few subjects to think about and discuss with your husband.

1. Obviously you need to decide if you need to draw the line and tell your husband that you want to have relationships with men also, it sounds like it is something you are going to need to be happy, so that seems to be something to work on first.

2. Could having a relationship with this person have risk at your job? His being fired, you being fired, co-workers finding out and gossiping about you as if you are the town whore? Trouble finding employment afterwards if this did happen? Any other complicating factors?

3. Let's say you get the OK for #1, and you decide the risks of #2 are negligible, there's still other things that might make dating a coworker hard for your husband. For me when my husband was interested in somebody at work I was envious of thinking of them being able to slip away somewhere and make out with her in a supply closet anytime they wanted, or worried he'd end up eating lunch with her everyday, when we weren't sharing enough intimacy or time together. I'm going to guess that your husband doesn't worry as much that a woman can *gasp* be in love with another woman and so that's why it's OK, cause it's not threatening. I would probably be steering hard for #1 because if you wait until you're in love with this co-worker, presenting your case as "I want to date men because I'm already in love with this one" is going to be much more of a struggle all around.
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Old 05-25-2012, 02:59 AM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
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Thank you! Both of you helped put my mind at ease. Nycindie, it really probably is best if I just want him from afar. Flirty friends should be ok, right? And Anneintherain, #2 would be a HUGE factor. He's one of my managers. Unless one of us transfered locations, it's a no no for us to date. I think at times some thoughts and feelings just need to be let out and acknowledged.
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