Sound other wives be compensated?

zephyrrine

New member
I know that polyamory and plyg are technically different but I feel that some of you might have a good opinion of this. My question is should the other wives (sister wives) in polygamous marriages be compensated if things don't work out?
Before you answer I will ask you to go to this link (http://zephyrrine.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/should-wives-be-compensated-if-it-doesnt-work-out/)for the post I wrote about my thoughts on this in my blog. Its long and I don't feel like rewriting ,ect.
My answer is yes unless they decided to up and abandon the family or it is decided otherwise in previous discussions.
 
I'm not a huge fan of alimony/palimony myself. Having said that - obviously any man or women, married or not, has an obligation to provide for children that they have produced.

There are few ways that I could see non-legal spouses being entitled to money/compensation - such as there is a pre-nup agreement (or its equivalent) in place, otherwise I see it as the non-working spouses responsibility to make sure that their future financial needs are addressed. For instance, s/he could require that a certain percentage of the household income be directed into an account in his/her name during the course of their relationship as compensation for the "stay at home" duties they assume - it would then be his/her call as to what to do with this money (spend it or save it).

Nobody likes to consider what happens if a relationship dissolves - but if people make assumptions (i.e. "he will take care of me for the rest of my life") then THEY are responsible for the consequences of those assumptions should they prove false. We are all adults - we are all responsible for our own actions. Failing to take action is a decision in itself.

JaneQ
 
Nope.
 
So one of the arguments for legalization is to force responsibility of off spring. Wouldn't DNA and paternity suits do that already. And knowing the current system isn't that the risk these second, third , forth "wives" take. Why couldn't they take turns ....every 2 yrs divorce 1 and marry another... revolving like duck duck goose. The one that's married to the guy when he dies wins....or loses depending how you want to look at it.


I say NO
 
So one of the arguments for legalization is to force responsibility of off spring. Wouldn't DNA and paternity suits do that already. And knowing the current system isn't that the risk these second, third , forth "wives" take. Why couldn't they take turns ....every 2 yrs divorce 1 and marry another... revolving like duck duck goose. The one that's married to the guy when he dies wins....or loses depending how you want to look at it.


I say NO

That's a lot of money to spend over the long run for marriage licenses and whatever it costs to file a divorce. Since most of these families have a lot of kids plus the multiple adults to support, how are they supposed to afford all that paper pushing?

On the real topic, no. I agree about paternity suits forcing fathers (and in some cases mothers) to be responsible for their kids.
 
so pretty much all of you agree that if a woman who is suppose to married to a man is cast a side she shouldn't be helped. I'm not saying monthly alimony payments, but at least a simple here is some money to help you out or here is a plain ticket back home.
 
so pretty much all of you agree that if a woman who is suppose to married to a man is cast a side she shouldn't be helped. I'm not saying monthly alimony payments, but at least a simple here is some money to help you out or here is a plain ticket back home.

If she chose to marry the man, she put herself in that position. She could have made sure she legal documents in place to cover herself or gotten a bank account that only she could access set up to make sure she wouldn't be stranded if the relationship ended.

Now, in situations where underage girls are sold off and forced to marry men, there is a-whole-nother legal issue and they sure as hell deserve some retribution.

Our choices lead us places. Choosing to put yourself in a situation where you have no legal protection is still a choice. Why should a man (albeit an asshole) be punished because he found a woman or women who would willingly enter into a situation where he has that power over them? Does it suck, sure, but just like he chose to be a dick and throw someone out of his house, she chose to ignore the danger of it when she entered into the situation.
 
so pretty much all of you agree that if a woman who is suppose to married to a man is cast a side she shouldn't be helped.

Here's the thing: she is responsible for her own situation--that's part of being an adult. If she places herself in a situation where she is entirely dependent on somebody else for everything, then she has to be prepared for that to apply in all circumstances. If she doesn't want to be dependent on somebody else for everything, then she can act to make certain she isn't.
 
Just for the hell of it - let's put it the other direction and see if you/we feel differently.

In our Vee I am the only one who produces a significant income. The three of us live quite comfortable on that income so neither of them is under any pressure to contribute to the communal coffers - although they are free to do so (neither is particularly disposed to regular employment - neither is seeking such - I am not pushing for it/ negating it - I view it as a personal decision - I like having them available whenever I want their company vs. I would like the additional financial support, it's pretty even). There are no kids to consider. I pay all of the communal bills from our communal funds - funded by my income. They each have credit cards that they can use to purchase items for themselves or communal use (within reason - large purchases are expected to be discussed.)

In addition to the above - my legal husband (of 16 years) has his own credit card and each month I put a set amount of "fun money" into his private account for him(them? - I don't know if they have any arrangement between them) to spend on luxuries (we laughingly call this "hookers and drugs" money - acknowledging that he doesn't need to account to me how this money is spent). He is expected to pay his own credit card from this account, which includes any money that he generates independently. In addition I fund his Roth IRA maximally every year.

Dude has his own credit card and bank account which I have nothing to do with. Obviously he benefits financially by having room/board/routine living expenses covered without contributing financially to the household. Any money that he generates is his to do with whatever he wants.

The boys are expected to deal with routine "staying at home" duties while I am working - home/car maintenance, shopping, cooking, taking the dogs to the vet, etc. If one of them got a job I would expect them to contribute to the communal coffers and their "at home" duty expectation would be reduced based on the amount of time that they weren't "at home".

So? If one of my "husbands" elects to leave the household, or I can no longer maintain a relationship with them (for whatever reason) am I expected to "provide for" them in some way just because I have chosen to/ agreed to do so in the past? Why or why not?

Jane("Just Askin'")Q
 
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Km34,

Don't they breed like rabbits .......just cut that down by 1 kid per wife and go to legal zoom or something ....500 for a divorce ...that's cheap every other year. What a marriage license cost? 25.....

Jane,

Yes .....if you use zeph's model you're on the hook for alimony for your bf.
In fact wouldnt a strict feminist argue there should be no gender bias?
 
Km34,

Don't they breed like rabbits .......just cut that down by 1 kid per wife and go to legal zoom or something ....500 for a divorce ...that's cheap everyother year. Whats a marriage license cost? 25...30

Jane,

Yes .....if you use zeph's model you're on the hook for alimony for your bf. He enjoys a certain lifestyle that you provided and he deserves to continue that ...sorry pay the man.
In fact wouldnt a strict feminist argue there should be no gender bias?

Has anyone ever met or hear of lawyers being in poly relationships?
 
In fact wouldnt a strict feminist argue there should be no gender bias?

Which is my point exactly. We are all adults engaging in adult relationships. We are each individually responsible for our own mental/physical/emotional/financial/etc. health. We can try to help others maintain their health in these arenas - but it is the ultimate responsibility of the individual to make sure their needs are getting met.

When we are involved with someone we come to agreements as to how stuff gets paid for. When you are dating someone - the restaurant bill gets paid - who pays it (one person, the other person, both people - do they split the bill evenly or just pay for what they got)? This applies on a larger scale to relationships past the dating stage. Where the money comes from and how stuff gets paid for are things that are negotiated within the relationship(s).

When/if the relationship ends - why would anyone expect that the financial set up agreed to inside the relationship would persist? UNLESS there was a prior agreement (pre-nup-esque) that all parties had agreed to. There are, of course, legal statutes dictating exactly this...if any of the people involved happen to be legally married (and it would behoove married people to be somewhat familiar with what they are wherever they are living). (Another case IMO where the government is meddling in things that could be easily covered by civil contracts...but that is another tangent.)

The gender of the involved parties is irrelevant. Which is why I posted my situation as a counter-weight to the original scenario. If someone feels that I wouldn't/shouldn't be on the hook for Dude's expenses if he breaks up with me/I break up with him/ we amicable go our separate ways - then why would they feel that the "other wife" in the first scenario is entitled to compensation?

Now I'm not saying that someone can't just decide to be nice and pay for "other wife" to fly back to her family - just that I don't think it is REQUIRED and she shouldn't count on it.

JaneQ
 
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Km34,

Don't they breed like rabbits .......just cut that down by 1 kid per wife and go to legal zoom or something ....500 for a divorce ...that's cheap everyother year. Whats a marriage license cost? 25...30

...

Has anyone ever met or hear of lawyers being in poly relationships?

Every dollar makes a huge difference when you budget it all out to make sure you can survive. Also, I find the whole "breeding like rabbits" thing to be in rather poor taste. Many religious people don't believe in using contraception unless it is for health reasons or in other extreme cases. Being able to afford a divorce and marriage every other year would not be an extreme case.

I would think most lawyers would avoid poly relationships since it could hurt their professional life so much.
 
How many kids there are doesn't matter that much. As soon as there is one kid, divorce becomes a much more complicated issue. And if they caught you getting married and divorcing all the time, they might very well take away your children because you're "unstable".

I think unless the husband caused the wife to be unable to work, he doesn't owe her money. He does need to help provide for any children he has, because they can't work, but any adult can work, and if they can they might receive welfare. I don't think you need to be responsible for people you have been with after the breakup, they're adults and can find a job, not necessarily a good one, but they need to take their own responsibilities.

I believe it should be the same regardless of the genders involved.

Certainly, helping an ex out until they find a job is a nice gesture (be it financially or by letting them stay in your place, or whatever) but I don't think it's something that should be required between two grown independent adults.
 
Just for the hell of it - let's put it the other direction and see if you/we feel differently.

In our Vee I am the only one who produces a significant income. The three of us live quite comfortable on that income so neither of them is under any pressure to contribute to the communal coffers - although they are free to do so (neither is particularly disposed to regular employment - neither is seeking such - I am not pushing for it/ negating it - I view it as a personal decision - I like having them available whenever I want their company vs. I would like the additional financial support, it's pretty even). There are no kids to consider. I pay all of the communal bills from our communal funds - funded by my income. They each have credit cards that they can use to purchase items for themselves or communal use (within reason - large purchases are expected to be discussed.)

In addition to the above - my legal husband (of 16 years) has his own credit card and each month I put a set amount of "fun money" into his private account for him(them? - I don't know if they have any arrangement between them) to spend on luxuries (we laughingly call this "hookers and drugs" money - acknowledging that he doesn't need to account to me how this money is spent). He is expected to pay his own credit card from this account, which includes any money that he generates independently. In addition I fund his Roth IRA maximally every year.

Dude has his own credit card and bank account which I have nothing to do with. Obviously he benefits financially by having room/board/routine living expenses covered without contributing financially to the household. Any money that he generates is his to do with whatever he wants.

The boys are expected to deal with routine "staying at home" duties while I am working - home/car maintenance, shopping, cooking, taking the dogs to the vet, etc. If one of them got a job I would expect them to contribute to the communal coffers and their "at home" duty expectation would be reduced based on the amount of time that they weren't "at home".

So? If one of my "husbands" elects to leave the household, or I can no longer maintain a relationship with them (for whatever reason) am I expected to "provide for" them in some way just because I have chosen to/ agreed to do so in the past? Why or why not?

Jane("Just Askin'")Q
IMPO you don't have to take care of anyone regardless of how your relationship function. it just seems that if you and your other partners decided that one person didn't work for the dynamic you want and they were largely dependent on you, I feel the least that should be done is helping them with their basic needs even if it is a one time set up. it doesn't have to constitute monthly alimony. you wouldn't pay all their bills and let them have credit cards but when you are suddenly out on your own after being in a committed relationship that you were cast out of it seems only right that help would be offered.
I'm not saying if poly/plyg became legal it should be mandatory but I do think couples should consider it. Maybe less people would think that this is just for fun and sex and realize there is an actual commitment and work if they looked at it from this point of view.
 
I would think most lawyers would avoid poly relationships since it could hurt their professional life so much.

this made me laugh ....are you saying it might damage their reputations??..(thats the funny part). I was thinking of the legal exposure of all this stuff. These very entanglements...living arrangements, etc.


How many kids does that guy have? the TV guy? Typically these polygamist have little tiny families.... orrrrr 4-5 kids per wife ??? Might be distasteful yet true. I mentioned it as a way to defray costs. Everything is a choice right....to marry ...to divorce ...to reproduce 1 or 6..... Equality....or lip service.
 
I think unless the husband caused the wife to be unable to work, he doesn't owe her money.

Define "caused" My husband didn't tie me up and put me in a closest, but plenty of families make the decision that the lower-earning parent will stay home with the kid(s) (childcare is EXPENSIVE) for at least a few years. In a lot of cases (still, unfortunately) the husband has a higher-paying job than the wife.

This is a ridiculous job-market. I have a bachelor's degree and two teaching credentials and after being home with my younger child for 2 years (because, sexism aside, a programmer will pretty much always make more than a teacher, so I stayed home even though MC would LOVE to be a SAHD!) I'm pretty much screwed in terms of getting back into my field. There are tons of teachers searching for jobs with more or more recent experience than I have.

So if something happened where MC and I separated, I absolutely think he'd need to provide not only basic child support but some sort of additional financial assistance at least for a year or two while I tried to get a job that would pay enough to still have some left over after paying taxes and childcare.

(Obviously this is all for a separation where kids are involved and care of those kids has affected one's participation in the job market.)
 
Define "caused" My husband didn't tie me up and put me in a closest, but plenty of families make the decision that the lower-earning parent will stay home with the kid(s) (childcare is EXPENSIVE) for at least a few years. In a lot of cases (still, unfortunately) the husband has a higher-paying job than the wife.

At my work, the last three girls who have had kids have all done the child-care for the majority, even though, in all three cases, she earned more than he did.

For me, I believe that child support is a fair payment, anything else is totally down to the people involved. While you might have made the decision to stay at home on financial grounds, there was still the options of the other partner (or partners in some poly situations) staying at home instead or using both (or more) incomes to pay for childcare. The decision that you made included you knowing that your earning potential might be reduced for an amount of time when you were due to return to the workforce. That said, child support should definitely include any external childcare costs (e.g. nursery).
 
"should you provide for one of them if he decideds to leave"

I think this is the kind of thing you need to discuss now, while things are good. But to me it depends on if you've made any sort of promises to either of them. if you ever said "oh come live with me and you won't have to work" to either of them, then yes you should give them some cash if they leave. otherwise nope
 
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