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View Poll Results: How long has your poly relationship lasted so far?
1 year 6 42.86%
2 years 3 21.43%
4 years 1 7.14%
8 years 0 0%
10 years or more 4 28.57%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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  #21  
Old 04-08-2010, 03:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
And how long should it go before it has reached that critical point, in your opinion?

I, too, like things to last - I enjoy being with people I love and having them as a part of my life. I am not an NRE junkie at all, in fact I don't really enjoy it much. I enjoy things after the NRE has quietened down.

I know poly configurations that have stayed together for years quite happily, and have lasted longer than most monogamous marriages.
Which "critical point" are you referring to? The point where the relationship falls apart? Well, when I say "stand the test of time", I mean lifetime. In days of old, it was not uncommon for married people to remain married to each other their entire lives until "death do them part".

In todays day and age, it is COMMON (all TOO common IMO) for a relationship to last just 5 years or less. This is not only "common", but ACCEPTED. This is not acceptable for my wife and I. We took vows when we got married, and we took them SERIOUSLY. Now, our vows did not say that we would be monogamous or forsake all others or anything so archaic as that, but they were our vows to each other. To love each other and to remain married until we were separated by death.

Is it too much to ask for a Poly relationship to have the same values? I don't think it's too much to ask, but I think it's too much to actually have come true. In todays day and age, we live in a disposable society. Too many people figure that if they're current relationship isn't working, then they can discard it and move on to another. If thats the way a person feels, then why get married in the first place? Why commit to a relationship in the first place? Any kind of relationship that is. Why not just stay single, and go through life with just a lot of small relationships which mean nothing.....Why hurt anyone in the process?

Sure, my wife and I have our ups and our downs....But we have been married 19+ years because we are willing to compromise and communicate with each other.
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  #22  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:03 AM
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Officially poly only 6 months (never knew the word before that anyway).

But I've been with GG to some degree or another since I took his virginity something like 15 years ago and with Maca for 12 of those years........

I see NO end in sight. I see both of these relationships lasting til death.

So no-I don't think that's too much to ask.

BUT making it last requires a willingness on ALL parties sides to put for the effort in ALL relationships. Most people these days aren't willing to do that in ONE relationship (i.e. the high rate of divorce), so there aren't going to be a LOT of us who manage that in more than one relationship.

Ask me in another 20 years, I'll let you know if we're still together.
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  #23  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:06 AM
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Also-a general happiness does not mean that you never encounter issues.

I am in the midst of a "growing up/learning" issue with GG. But in now way am I "unhappy" in our relationship. I'm unhappy about a DETAIL in our relationship which we are working on finding a good, equitable solution to.

As far as my relationship with GG all in all-I'm very happy.
As far as my relationship with Maca all in all-I'm very happy.
As far as my "poly-family" dynamic-I'm thrilled and happy.
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  #24  
Old 05-08-2010, 12:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
...BUT making it last requires a willingness on ALL parties sides to put for the effort in ALL relationships. Most people these days aren't willing to do that in ONE relationship (i.e. the high rate of divorce), so there aren't going to be a LOT of us who manage that in more than one relationship...
I have a theory about this which I have expounded on relentlessly until Easy's ears bleed.

All of the romantic movies, what do they show? They show romantic relationships that are easy. They show people who only fight about superficial things, who come to compromises easily, who sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of their loved ones. So people think that love should come easy, and that they should never have to actually work on their relationship if it's "real" love. When they actually have to work at the relationship, they think that it can't possibly be "real" love, and they quit. Or they think, I'll give up my dreams, what I want, and my sense of self for this other person because "that's what love does". But we all know that sacrificing yourself constantly is usually a great way to build resentment. Then they think, "I gave up all of this for you, and you didn't do anything for me". Who would want to be with that? It takes a long time for some people to grow up enough to know that the movies are not real love, and some people never reach that point.
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  #25  
Old 05-08-2010, 01:33 AM
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Thumbs up on that note Lemondrop!!
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  #26  
Old 05-08-2010, 01:46 AM
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One thing to add lemondrop, and that is that its both partners doing that. Both giving up on their dreams, both sacrificing until they become resentful and when they get resentful of one another its because they have both sacrificed and given up on what they want and then they become demanding of one another and wonder why the other isn't doing what they want.

Being aware of that cycle that is taught us at an rarely age and yes by movies is so important. Then stopping it before it starts by, guess what?!....
Communicating needs, respecting that others have needs, being empathetic, caring, blah, blah, blah... I sound like such a broken record on here sometimes. *sigh* does anyone even get anything out of that? I hope so. I know I do. Some of the stuff I say on here has become my mantra.
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  #27  
Old 05-08-2010, 02:52 AM
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=D

I like mantras, frankly I have so many negative voices in my head that I have to combat them *somehow*.

The sacrifice cycle is also something that happens to mothers. Mothers sacrifice for their children, that's what they're supposed to *do*. The best thing we can do for our children is to break *that* cycle and teach them that it's okay for mothers to communicate their needs, and that it is actually beneficial for mothers to make sure that their needs get met. I made the mistake of living in the sacrifice cycle for 13 years...and now my kids don't really know what to make of me. But I hope I'm teaching them that it's okay for moms to be human.

I tried really hard not to go off on a tangent, but I feel strongly about this. And it kind of relates, right? Mothers who don't take care of themselves set up unrealistic expectations in their children, which then cause the children to expect perfection and be unforgiving when they don't achieve it. Thus if the relationship can't be perfect, you throw it in the trash. See how I tied that in? I'm on fire tonight.
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  #28  
Old 05-08-2010, 03:21 AM
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Another thumbs up to you Lemondrop!!!

I am ALL about my kids understanding that I am a person with feelings-JUST LIKE THEM.

Their feelings, their needs ARE important.
SO ARE MINE.

I would die for my kids.
But I expect them to respect my needs too.

One of which is to be LEFT ALONE during bath time unless it's a TRUE emergency.
One of which is to get my walk in daily.

There are others-but it's key to make sure that kids understand that we're people too. Otherwise they end up being adults who think that the world revolves around them-which it does not.
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  #29  
Old 05-08-2010, 02:55 PM
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Where this thread seemed to pop back up - I was re-reading it and this came to mind...........

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4ever
.....See, the reasoning behind me asking is this; I don't know that a "poly" relationship between more than two people can last the test of time. I mean, to me, a "successful relationship", is gauged by time and happiness. You need both to be successful. One without the other is not a successful relationship IMO. My wife and I have been married to each other for over half our lives now. We have had ups, and downs. However, when we involve others in our relationship, we are way happier with each other. Unfortunately, we can't seem to make our secondary relationships last longer than 2 years. This saddens us greatly, and we are beginning to think it is us...and not the others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeminiGirl
...... That said, I wonder if time is always the best indicator of a successful relationship? Isn't success also measured by how you feel about, relate to, and communicate with someone, regardless of how long you spend as their partner?
I guess I'm more or less on the same plane as GeminiGirl in regards to duration.
For me - navigating life and including multiple loves is primarily about the interrelations. As we work our way through life, people come & go in our lives. There's seems to be connections there. Lesson on living for one or both of us. The actual duration seems to be tied to the length of time necessary for the lessons to be learned.

As LR and RP have also brought up, just "staying together", sacrificing etc with the outlook that relationships require sacrifice, compromise etc etc begins to look like the lessons are NOT being learned - so they continue to be repeated ! So I don't hold any special attachment to longevity without looking at WHERE it's going and what's being learned/gained along they way by all involved.

For us, we seemed to have become attached to the journey ! We quit counting a long, LONG time ago and although we acknowledge the fact that there could always be some point of termination, seeing what we've seen we consider that highly unlikely. We're too caught up in the fascination of the journey itself to look at either beginning or endpoints.

Maybe a strange outlook................

GS
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  #30  
Old 05-08-2010, 07:33 PM
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GS-
in regards to that aspect, the other detail I think is missing in the question is that relationships may continue but not be stagnant as one DYNAMIC.

I asked at the beginning of the thread (don't recall getting a concrete answer either) about this detail BECAUSE:

I've been "OUT" as poly for only 71/2 months now.

BUT-I've been in a relationship with GG for 17 years
AND in a relationship with Maca for 12 years.

Both of them were aware that I had these relationships.

Even Maca would admit he knew when I was having an affair with GG. The dynamic that changed was that we stopped having a relationship of secrets and lies.

BUT the relationships have co-existed for the last 12 years.
During that time both men have been integral parts of this family, both have been integral in raising the kids, both have been integral in supporting me, each other and the relationships between.

What has continued to change is HOW we go about this. The key is we have all continued to grow and mature, and therefore the "boundaries" of our relationships have changed to match our growth and maturity.

SO-if you asked me if I had a poly relationship 12 years ago I would have said, "what the hell is a poly relationship".

BUT the truth is that the answer was yes.
FURTHERMORE-throughout the ENTIRE 17 years GG and I have had a relationship my sister has been involved as well. She isn't my biological sister for those who don't know this, she was my foster sister for a year or so when we were in school and we just "stuck".

Anyway-she and I have had a poly-family from the beginning. We've been raising children, sharing household responsibilities and finances, etc for 18+ years. She and I have never been sexually involved, however our lovers have been involved in this dynamic as well.

So I really find this thread FRUSTRATING still-because it seems so VAGUE.

How do you define if you were in a poly relationship/poly dynamic/poly family? Is it based on you KNOWING the word POLYAMOROUS first? Or is it a matter of meeting the definition of poly in your lifestyle even if you didn't know the word?

You know?
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