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  #71  
Old 07-06-2010, 10:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Nope. Cheating is not poly. Somebody wanting to cheat and call it poly is always a Bad Choice (tm).

And somebody who isn't yet ready to embrace the openness of polyamory isn't a good match for somebody who is. Another Bad Choice.

There's also no way to tell if it's somebody working through issues relating to poly or not, and giving a Bad Choice a chance in the hopes of Something Good (tm) coming of it is a Badder Choice (tm).
Ditto (tm)
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  #72  
Old 07-07-2010, 12:12 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Ha, well, when I was cheating, I met more women who were interested. Now that I am not cheating, I am completely alone. haha. Go figure. I did get a message from a certain miss lonelyhearts at OkCupid who was looking for "more than I am getting in my marriage." In my reply, I asked her if her husband knew she was looking. She was outraged and called me an idiot, basically. She also wrote: "My husband and I aren't into that kinky stuff." haha. What fun.

It seems there are more than a few so-called "bi girls" on OkCupid who are actually looking only to meet women or couples, not interested in single men. This is a feature of the swinger lifestyle, as well. Single men are about as welcome as herpes.

Immaterial
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  #73  
Old 07-07-2010, 11:46 PM
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maca maca is offline
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In my OKC profile I actully rant about this for about a paragraph, lol. And I have a link to Violet's profile and encourage people to get to know her or at least inquire with her about our relatioship and our poly ways. IMO, anybody who claims to be poly and in a poly relationship should have no qualms about holding their SO(s) up for theworld to see, ESPECIALLY prospective new partners![/
LR and I have OKC accounts also ( LR put hers on hold till I get back to her side in WA). We both have links to each others profiles and we make sure prospectives get to know each of us.

My issues is that there is just such a small circle of so called poly peeps up here in AK that when anyone new comes on the scene its like sharks circling there prey. Its not really POLY IMO. It seems that the so called poly folk up here just want a FB. I dont get it? Most of the people that claim to be poly are educated and from what Im told know what polyAMORY means. Ive watched it more than a few times ( like everytime) a new peep shows there face in the circle. I swear its like being in high school all over again. Everyone wants to date the new hot girl/guy. ( And by date I mean fuck)

Cant wait to move out of here


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  #74  
Old 07-08-2010, 12:05 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Ariakas - please accept my apologies for a hastily written response. Your views and my own are very similar. Please read my use of those terms in my post as a generalization to make a point, not as a judgement on different forms on non-monogamy.

Immaterial - your whole post literally made me LOL.
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  #75  
Old 07-08-2010, 12:03 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Hmmm my issue with this is cheaters and swingers are not the same.
I doubt he was equating cheaters and swingers. I think the comment voiced frustration with cheaters and swingers who claim to be poly when they're not.

Quote:
It pisses me off when everyone assumes, when I mention poly that I want a love in commune setting bordering on cultlike love fests.
I've never encountered that. Anybody who thinks that is showing extreme ignorance of the range of poly lifestyles--and people ignorant of poly that I've encountered almost uniformly hear of it and think it's just an excuse to fuck around.

Quote:
Actually this entire tiny subset I have just thrown at you is exactly why I identify as non-monogamist or just open. Poly comes across as too restrictive in its extreme, swinging is too...slutty in its extreme. I fit somewhere in the middle ...Poly is what I am capable of to be sure as I can love multiple
Ah, well, accurate descriptions are useful. Is what you do swinging or open or poly? You can also lay claim to more than one if you do more than one.

And as the descriptor "polyamorous" is *not* limited to those wanting giant love in communes, I think it difficult to sustain an argument about the term being limiting. If you're involved in multiple romantic relationships, then it fits.

Quote:
Also, I wonder how many people assume instantly that if I identify as poly that I am going to fall in love with them.
That sort of thing happens with folks finding out that somebody is non-monogamous, in general. I've mentioned being poly many times and then had women assume that meant I automatically wanted to hop into bed with them or date them, despite no sign of interest from me (perhaps it was wishful thinking on their parts).

I doubt it happens any more often that if you were mono, where some women assume that if you show any interest in them at all it means you're going to fall in love with them. The whole concept of "interest may or may not lead to connection" seems to be lost on some people.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #76  
Old 07-08-2010, 03:09 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I've never encountered that. Anybody who thinks that is showing extreme ignorance of the range of poly lifestyles--and people ignorant of poly that I've encountered almost uniformly hear of it and think it's just an excuse to fuck around.
I think I mentioned it in my post, and yes I am being too lazy to check. It might be a regional thing. Almost everyone in this area that I have encountered assumes what I mentioned (everyone being the handful of people remotely interested in non-monogamy). Thats not to say there aren't others out there doing different things, just the majority of people I run into have only seen this setup, and assume thats what I want

Keep in mind, the dynamic I tend to run into also falls in line with the bdsm community. That could alter the dynamic as well

Quote:
That sort of thing happens with folks finding out that somebody is non-monogamous, in general. I've mentioned being poly many times and then had women assume that meant I automatically wanted to hop into bed with them or date them, despite no sign of interest from me (perhaps it was wishful thinking on their parts).
Good point ...non-monogamy in general does come with its own stereotypes

Quote:
I doubt it happens any more often that if you were mono, where some women assume that if you show any interest in them at all it means you're going to fall in love with them. The whole concept of "interest may or may not lead to connection" seems to be lost on some people.
Very true...
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  #77  
Old 07-08-2010, 09:09 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Question Baffling

I find this kind of baffling.

So some people who are cheating / have cheated would genuinely be happier with honest, consensual non-monogamy, but don't know how to get there. Conversely, of course, other people who are cheating / have cheated genuinely like the drama, sneaking around / feeling of getting away with something.

That said, people who are looking to cheat, for whatever reason, but are advertising themselves as polyamorous are not just making a poor word choice, they're also sabotaging themselves. As evidenced from this thread, actual poly- people are going to run screaming from them. As evidenced by other threads in which people complain that they could get partners for a secretive affair but not for an honest open relationship, people who are looking to cheat are *also* going to run away.

So why on earth would someone looking to cheat use that word? I'm genuinely baffled.

P.S.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
The reay crappy thing about this phenomenon (cheaters/swingers posing as poly, and everywhere, not just online)
Not to harp, but we really shouldn't be using the word 'swingers' to mean "non-monogamists I don't like". It is its own separate thing, and there's no reason to drag it into conversations about bad poly- or mono- behaviour.

Last edited by jkelly; 07-08-2010 at 09:10 PM. Reason: Grammar
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  #78  
Old 07-08-2010, 09:25 PM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I find this kind of baffling.

So some people who are cheating / have cheated would genuinely be happier with honest, consensual non-monogamy, but don't know how to get there. Conversely, of course, other people who are cheating / have cheated genuinely like the drama, sneaking around / feeling of getting away with something.

That said, people who are looking to cheat, for whatever reason, but are advertising themselves as polyamorous are not just making a poor word choice, they're also sabotaging themselves. As evidenced from this thread, actual poly- people are going to run screaming from them. As evidenced by other threads in which people complain that they could get partners for a secretive affair but not for an honest open relationship, people who are looking to cheat are *also* going to run away.

So why on earth would someone looking to cheat use that word? I'm genuinely baffled.

P.S.



Not to harp, but we really shouldn't be using the word 'swingers' to mean "non-monogamists I don't like". It is its own separate thing, and there's no reason to drag it into conversations about bad poly- or mono- behaviour.
I think I understand those people who are looking for someone to cheat.

Okay, their communication skills suck. They aren't being honest with themselves. They aren't considering the audience or what "polyamory" means to others. They lack honesty and respect for their spouse. If they were better communicators, they might be poly. If their communication improves... they've got a chance.

So some learn better communication skills, start talking... no communicating with their spouse, and develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship...

or just doing the same thing they've been doing, hoping for different results.
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  #79  
Old 07-08-2010, 09:37 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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The purpose of an affair is not to add complication to your life. I understand why people take this route, I just don't want it for me.
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  #80  
Old 07-08-2010, 10:10 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Not to harp, but we really shouldn't be using the word 'swingers' to mean "non-monogamists I don't like". It is its own separate thing, and there's no reason to drag it into conversations about bad poly- or mono- behaviour.
There hasn't been anybody in this thread who has used it in that fashion. The objection is to both cheaters who use the term "poly" as cover and to swingers who use the term "poly" as cover. "Poly" describes neither of those groups.

Yes, there are swingers who have been drawn into poly and poly folk who also swing. Those have nothing to do with this discussion, which mentions only swingers purporting to be poly to get more sex partners. It's the deception that is being skewered, not swingers.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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