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  #161  
Old 05-24-2012, 11:52 AM
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mrspolyamorous mrspolyamorous is offline
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I am a firm believer in there being more to the story as to why someone might seek a relationship discreetly outside their primary relationship. I wouldn't cheat on my partner. I have a very communicative and understanding relationship with my spouse. Unfortunately not everyone does. I don't feel compelled to force them to have an open relationship in order to have a relationship with me. It's not always possible.

Because I don't take issue with a potential partner being spoken for and me being a side show rather than the main show...it doesn't say that I have no boundaries or morals. It doesn't mean that person is all over town having sex with everyone else. This married person could be having sex with only one person. Some people haven't had sex in years in their own marriage for whatever reasons and truly want to fall in love with someone on the side in order to have a reason to feel like living again. Not all married people who have affairs are liars in other areas no more than someone who is lying in other areas is going to be prone to have affairs. One does not have a direct correlation with the other in my book or my experience.

Those who can't tell their spouse are not necessarily inherently dishonest people in every area of their lives is what I'm trying to say. Who is to say if you were their primary spouse they would even need a discreet relationship like this?

It doesn't mean they would do the same thing to you if given the opportunity. Chances are you are a different persona entirely from their primary partner. Which is the reason they feel comfortable sharing with you that they are married but not sharing with their wife/husband they are having a relationship with you.

I consider myself to be a "confidante with benefits" at that point. It is something so much more than friends with benefits but not quite the type of partner you can move in to your home if that is what you are looking for. It's a limited relationship for obvious reasons. Limited because of what they can't share with the other person. Not limited because they are bad people. They might have a lot of integrity to keep their family together. I can respect that. You just have to know what you want and what limitations are OK with you.

I hope this helps.
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Me: 32, bi, female, married 14 years to R.
R: 33, hetero male who is polyfriendly, NSA friendly under the right circumstances.
S: The child R and I have together.
Neither have found the partner(s) we would like to merge villages with. In the meantime we are exploring our collective sexuality to find a frequency that feels right.
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  #162  
Old 05-24-2012, 01:18 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Absolute deal breaker.
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  #163  
Old 05-24-2012, 02:13 PM
Ready2Fly Ready2Fly is offline
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I don't think that they're abusive just because they're monogamous. Any kind of relationship can be abused by abusers.

I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
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  #164  
Old 05-24-2012, 02:27 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default No judgement, but no.

I'm big on total honesty and transparency in relationship, so for me cheating is a deal breaker. I have some pretty strong opinions about dishonesty within relationships in general - to me it's better to be open, transparent and single than in a relationship peppered with dishonesty of any kind. When everyone is their authentic selves in a relationship it allows you to choose whether that person and the things that they want are a good fit for you. A charade where they're doing a bait and switch to anyone involved robs others of their own independent right to either choose to be continue with the new information, not, or work on compromise. To me it's about respect.

For those that are on the "deal-breaker side" - is there any configuration in which you think that cheating is less abhorrent? Are there grey areas, or is it black and white? For example - a husband has a mistress because his wife is paraplegic or has advanced stage cancer. He loves her, doesn't want to hurt her, but also doesn't want to burden her with his sexual needs.
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  #165  
Old 05-24-2012, 02:37 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I had a friend once tell me that all men cheat, it's in their genes. She just never wanted to find out about it.
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  #166  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:16 PM
zephyrrine zephyrrine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
I do think that suffering is built into strict monogamy, though, because it's the natural desire of humans to want to make intimate connections with people around them. When that desire arises, strict monogamy reduces your choices to betraying your partner by acting on it, or betraying yourself by suppressing the desire.
That is what I believe as well. This person ideas of relationships were truley shocking to me
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  #167  
Old 05-24-2012, 04:25 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It's only abusive if it's not agreed upon by both parties. If both people want to be in a monogamous relationship with each other I fail to see the problem.
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  #168  
Old 05-24-2012, 06:38 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
For those that are on the "deal-breaker side" - is there any configuration in which you think that cheating is less abhorrent? Are there grey areas, or is it black and white? For example - a husband has a mistress because his wife is paraplegic or has advanced stage cancer. He loves her, doesn't want to hurt her, but also doesn't want to burden her with his sexual needs.
It's not cheating that's abhorrent so much - and I do think lots of people who cheat are perfectly decent people. It's the betrayal, realizing your partner has lied to your face & made a fool of you (personal perspective, I know that's not the intent when somebody cheats). I think there can be perfectly valid personal reasons for choosing to seek an outside partner (and perfectly understandable fears that keep people from being honest) but I'm not going to be that outside partner. A paraplegic has to figure out at some point that their spouse wants sex, and if the people involved can't have an honest discussion and make a painful if honest decision about how to handle their sex life, that's really unfortunate for the marriage as a whole. Cancer? Again, if somebody after an extended period of time without sex decides to take another partner, I sure hope they tried counseling first to deal with their feelings, as mingling genitals because of unhappiness probably never solved any problems. Just unhappy in your marriage? I wouldn't get together with a mono OR poly person who was running away from the problems in their relationship(s) looking for a shiny distraction from their woes instead of doing the hard work that keeps a relationship healthy. In a monogamous relationship, I think its a hypocritical jerk that chooses to have sex with somebody else, but doesn't give their partner the same choice, when for all they know their partner would LOVE to go seek their own happiness but wouldn't ever betray their spouse.

The main thing for me, which is even more important in the "partner with a debilitating disease" scenario - a person who thinks they are in a monogamous marriage doesn't deserve to be exposed to STIs they don't have - either HPV2 or new strains of HPV are the last thing a cancer patient needs for their body to deal with (let alone all the bacterial STIs). And since HPV and other STI's can be spread orally, I firmly believe my partner has no right to make decisions that can affect my health, without my informed consent. I can live with the risk that somebody I date passes an STI along to me from another partner, but I couldn't deal with the guilt of passing it on to a person who didn't know they were at risk. My ex-husband's cheating incident - out of all the factors, it was his obviousness/denial of the STI exposure risk and not telling me for months about it that was was the problem. He didn't use condoms, and therefore chose FOR me.

So yep, everybody has the right to do as they choose in this life, and I think most everybody has different shades of grey around sex, money, and following the law. My shades of grey are fuzzier around other things, but I'm not going to contribute to another person feeling the pain I felt when they realize the person they thought they could trust with their life and heart didn't trust them with honesty. No matter how much joy and pleasure their partner is getting out of it, I'm not going to decide things for that third party.

Yep sorry for the long drawn out response, I think in/fidelity & honesty is the one most important topic to me when it comes to relationships.
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  #169  
Old 05-24-2012, 07:22 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Black and White

My mindset is identical to yours. It is very black and white to me as well.
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  #170  
Old 05-24-2012, 07:47 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
For those that are on the "deal-breaker side" - is there any configuration in which you think that cheating is less abhorrent? Are there grey areas, or is it black and white? For example - a husband has a mistress because his wife is paraplegic or has advanced stage cancer. He loves her, doesn't want to hurt her, but also doesn't want to burden her with his sexual needs.
...it is NOT OKAY to be lying to a terminally ill or disabled person "for hir own good". Holy wow, just no. Y'all work it out together and then decide what to do, because anything else is massively disrespectful.

I think the only possible situation where that's kosher is if a partner is in an irreversible coma. Then you can't ask permission/discuss/etc.
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