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Old 05-10-2016, 09:03 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Default Not Sure What To Title

Though I am unsure what to title this thread, I'm sure my story won't be a new or unique one. I am thoroughly glad that I found a place to express myself. My views have seemed to morph so much, and it seems there are very few people with who I can converse and receive feedback. Essentially, I feel alone. I'll let my first post be a summary then will proceed to add details later.

I'm pretty much at a point after 8 years of a monogamous marriage that I am very interested in polyamory, but my husband is not. Monogamy was nothing I really thought about until a couple of years ago. It was then it was questioned. I guess monogamy was apart of that forsaking all others, but I really never have thought to what it exactly meant. Probably because I identify on the asexual spectrum, the role of sex in my life was not important nor contemplated a lot. I've had sex with people before, but it just was umimportant and uneventful (not to say it was bad, but just the way I processed it) that it's seems I never gave a lot of thought to what I was engaging in and what it meant.

Well, after developing some feelings for a friend of 14 years (that I never was attracted to before-after discovering a asexuality, that helped to maybe explain,) I contemplated more about my feelings. I did not tell myself that I was not supposed to have feelings for someone else and didn't feel hugely guilty because they were not primarily sexual in nature, I simply said to myself, how can I manage these feelings because they can't possibly be horribly wrong. It felt very much like having affectionate and truly loving feelings for a friend.

I began doing research and came across poly. I felt I was capable of strongly emotionally connecting to more than one person. It was then I proceeded to ask my husband what he thought about being emotionally connected to multiple people. He stated that he thought this should be exclusive to a man and wife just like sex. I proceeded to tell him that I thought I was capable.

With my proposal of polyamory, came rejection from him. To him, he felt I was reacting to untreated depression and because of my mental health deficits I would not be able to be in relationship with anyone more than him. He even stated I wasn't truly asexual, because I wanted a polyamorous relationship, and needed a diagnosis. This was all about 18 months ago.

Over the course of this time, things have continued on. I continued researching and trying to connect with others that were familiar with what was going on in my head. Overall, this has been a journey just truly learning about myself and how I'm meant to live life (at least in this moment.) I relearned that I've always thought that two people exclusively providing each other's needs for life was never a realistic ideal for me. I just went into a monogamous marriage because it was the right thing to do. The best way to raise children. I really wish I would have known I wasn't by myself before marriage.

I've learned that in my life, I Live life full of changes, phases, new things, adventure and a long term monogamous marriage does not seem to fit into that. That has been very hard for me to accept. That everything else in your life is allowed to change (probably with the allowance of your spouse) but not your marriage and the vows you stated. I have come to believe, the things in any relationship are and should be open to negotiation. Not to say everyone gets what they want all the time, but there is flexibility. Unfortunately, after time, I think I have come to the decision that my husband and I should part ways. He can get what he needs out of a relationship (as he is a very passionate, sexual, affectionate person who has compromised himself a bit to accommodate my asexual ways and sometimes aromance- I was hoping him finding an additional relationship would be an answer) and me, I can get whatever out of life. We do have a daughter, so that is the most difficult part of making this decision.

Pursuing polyamory just seems like a way to additionally fully live life, discover new things, people, and places. There's definitely more about all of this that I will add. In the mean time, thank you for reading and feel free to comment.

Last edited by WanderingINTJ; 05-10-2016 at 09:12 PM.
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Old 05-11-2016, 12:26 AM
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Hi WanderingINTJ,

Thanks for sharing your story; it sounds like you have put considerable thought into polyamory and related subjects. I hope Polyamory.com will supply you with much of the support and feedback that you need, during this challenging time of transition and after.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-16-2016, 10:38 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Hi WanderingINTJ,

Thanks for sharing your story; it sounds like you have put considerable thought into polyamory and related subjects. I hope Polyamory.com will supply you with much of the support and feedback that you need, during this challenging time of transition and after.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you very much
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Old 05-16-2016, 10:47 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Well, we discussed divorce in our couples session. My husband became very emotional, pretty much attacking my ability as a parent. "Keep our daughter away from your extra curricular activities. She's gonna be meeting people on the Internet, there gonna follow her home, and hurt my daughter. Our daughter doesn't even think she likes her." Of course this made me upset and since we'll be living together at least until the end of the lease (2 mos) we're at home and he wants to act and fake like he just did not attack my parenting. I have never put my daughter in harm's way and she is always reassured that I love her.

I was even crticized about one of my current friends. She's delivering a baby tomorrow and is also a long time smoker. So supposedly I was so wrong, because I was a nurse was ok with her smoking. I was never ok with it and she knew my stance. One thing I do not do is, run interference with grown people who consciously make decisions knowing the consequences and being willing to live with them. But supposedly something is wrong with me for that.

Overall, I'm thinking, why am I doing this to myself. Why am I choosing to leave my marriage when it would be an uncomfortable comfort to just stay. It's gonna be hard. Hard getting through this divorce. It's already starting. Am I going after the challenge because I'm a risk taker. Because there is a different way of life I want to pursue and it's better maybe to do it now? ( I'm thinking it will be more difficult of my daughter was older?) To be honest, we could probably work this out if I had continue interest in an exclusive situation. It really even seems difficult to justify. Just unsure.

Last edited by WanderingINTJ; 05-16-2016 at 11:00 PM.
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Old 05-17-2016, 01:09 AM
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Sorry your husband is giving you a problem.
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Old 05-17-2016, 04:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

I wrote this on my blog thread a while ago.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...08&postcount=6

I don't know if reading that could help you any.

1) In helping you work things out.
Like Closed enough so he feels good and safe enough in the in the marriage. And Open enough for you to express your emerging poly thoughts and feelings you are trying to come to terms with, without you being verbally attacked. So you can feel good and safe enough in the marriage as well.

He sounds like he takes it personally, gets super defensive, and goes on the attack (ex: You are not really asexual, you have a mental health problem, you stink as a mother, etc.) That's not ok to do. (What's the fear or believe that inspires all this defensive listening/attack-y reaction?)

2) Or in helping you "un-couple" and divorce more peacefully without all this attack-y stuff and without burning bridges. Because you still have to coparent together afterward.
You might want to talk about that in counseling if you are sure about parting ways. What needs to "uncouple" and in what order to do it in so the transition is as smooth as possible for both of you and kid. From banking to chores to where you sleep at night til you each have separate homes. All of it.
Whichever path you are ultimately on, I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-18-2016 at 01:46 AM.
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Old 05-17-2016, 08:52 PM
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I completely feel you, in that it sucks so much when someone you have been married to, all of a sudden when you have to look to your own needs and possibly part ways, they act as though they are then justified to call into question EVERYTHING.

My ex...so, so much. I was as faithful as I could be, and I think I did quite well (had a brief emotional fling online with a man who it was deliberately, due to tremendous distance, impossible to ever meet...and got a bit attached to a friend, knowing it would go nowhere, at the end...but did not physically cheat on him, and this was over an 18 year span!) I chose him, time and again, over others. Over not just other men, but my friends and my family. Everyone but my children. I took awesome care of our finances. I was a good Mom, sometimes a great Mom. I was supportive of him and well...I think I did alright.

The moment I declared myself unable to continue the relationship as it was, I was a horrible person, a betrayer, and my ability to be good or responsible in any or all ways was called into question.

Honestly, I feel as though he never KNEW ME except as framed in the mold of "his wife." Once I was not that, I was an enemy and a stranger to him. I don't know how you can be that way to another person and call it love.

I have never treated an ex so badly, and I don't know how people do that. It's awful. And to whatever degree you are dealing with that, I am sorry.

All I can say is...YOU MATTER. Your needs matter. It's way too easy to push them aside and just cope with an unhappy life for years and years because it's safe and because you can, and because it's "the right thing to do." But there is a sliding scale, of "Well life could be better but I can deal with it." to "This situation is bringing me actual stress, negativity, unhappiness." that can affect your HEALTH...that is when you know it has to be over.

And the unfortunate truth, I think, is with some guys once you pull the trigger and the words come out, that you want to change things and cannot be what they demand that you be for them anymore...they will never let you take it back and go back to comfortable old day-to-day again. You might wish, because it was easy, that you'd never said anything and could go back to the way it was before. But it is not likely, in my opinion.

Best wishes and good luck. The road ahead might be a hard one. I hope it works out ok for you.
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Old 05-17-2016, 11:03 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Originally Posted by Spork View Post
I completely feel you, in that it sucks so much when someone you have been married to, all of a sudden when you have to look to your own needs and possibly part ways, they act as though they are then justified to call into question EVERYTHING.

My ex...so, so much. I was as faithful as I could be, and I think I did quite well (had a brief emotional fling online with a man who it was deliberately, due to tremendous distance, impossible to ever meet...and got a bit attached to a friend, knowing it would go nowhere, at the end...but did not physically cheat on him, and this was over an 18 year span!) I chose him, time and again, over others. Over not just other men, but my friends and my family. Everyone but my children. I took awesome care of our finances. I was a good Mom, sometimes a great Mom. I was supportive of him and well...I think I did alright.

The moment I declared myself unable to continue the relationship as it was, I was a horrible person, a betrayer, and my ability to be good or responsible in any or all ways was called into question.

Honestly, I feel as though he never KNEW ME except as framed in the mold of "his wife." Once I was not that, I was an enemy and a stranger to him. I don't know how you can be that way to another person and call it love.

I have never treated an ex so badly, and I don't know how people do that. It's awful. And to whatever degree you are dealing with that, I am sorry.

All I can say is...YOU MATTER. Your needs matter. It's way too easy to push them aside and just cope with an unhappy life for years and years because it's safe and because you can, and because it's "the right thing to do." But there is a sliding scale, of "Well life could be better but I can deal with it." to "This situation is bringing me actual stress, negativity, unhappiness." that can affect your HEALTH...that is when you know it has to be over.

And the unfortunate truth, I think, is with some guys once you pull the trigger and the words come out, that you want to change things and cannot be what they demand that you be for them anymore...they will never let you take it back and go back to comfortable old day-to-day again. You might wish, because it was easy, that you'd never said anything and could go back to the way it was before. But it is not likely, in my opinion.

Best wishes and good luck. The road ahead might be a hard one. I hope it works out ok for you.
I was thinking the same thing, how can you treat someone that way and call it love. I was thinking yesterday, no, you are not my friend if you attach the one thing that is the most important thing in my life and that's my ability and effort in parenting, especially with false statements. You are not my friend and the fact that he had repeatedly done this, at this point, I do no like you (and I rarely do dislike of people.) After attacking me in marriage counseling he proceeded to want to have cordial fake conversation. I don't do fake. How about we not talk at all. We don't have to be mean to each other, but we won't be fake, acting as if hurt is not there.
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Old 05-17-2016, 11:05 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I am sorry you struggle.

I wrote this on my blog thread a while ago.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...08&postcount=6

I don't know if reading that could help you any.

1) In helping you work things out.
Like Closed enough so he feels good and safe enough in the in the marriage. And Open enough for you to express your emerging poly thoughts and feelings you are trying to come to terms with, without you being verbally attacked. So you can feel good and safe enough in the marriage as well.

He sounds like he takes it personally, gets super defensive, and goes on the attack (ex: You are not really asexual, you have a mental health problem, you stink as a mother, etc.) That's not ok to do. (What's he fear or believe that inspires all this defensive listening/attack-y reaction?)

2) Or in helping you "un-couple" and divorce more peacefully without all this attack-y stuff and without burning bridges. Because you still have to coparent together afterward.
You might want to talk about that in counseling if you are sure about parting ways. What needs to "uncouple" and in what order to do it in so the transition is as smooth as possible for both of you and kid. From banking to chores to where you sleep at night til you each have separate homes. All of it.
Whichever path you are ultimately on, I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
Thank you.
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:53 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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After attacking me in marriage counseling he proceeded to want to have cordial fake conversation. I don't do fake. How about we not talk at all. We don't have to be mean to each other, but we won't be fake, acting as if hurt is not there.
I could understand if you feel totally blah after a verbal attack. You may not be ready at that point in time to talk to him again. Who would want to do that so soon and risk yet ANOTHER load of verbal garbage dumped on their head? Nobody.

But... was this cordial conversation an attempt at some kind of olive branch/peace offering thing? An attempt at a timeout? Pause the conversation that is getting out of hand, and try to reconnect on conversation that isn't so heated?

I do that with my spouse. I am still mad about The Thing. And he might still be mad about The Thing. But if all we do is argue about The Thing? One or the other usually calls a timeout on any more Thing Talk so we can cool off and not say regrettable things. We make a date at least a week out before we trying talking about The Thing again.

In the meanwhile? We try to talk about "neutral" things and get on with the house stuff, the kids, the laundry, -- just regular life stuff. That helps us to cool off even more. Talking about what to make for dinner for instance. It doesn't mean we are being "fake" about it and pretending there isn't hurt there that still needs solving. We are acknowledging that in order to solve it effectively, we first have to calm down and recenter. Angry people can do a lot of loud talking. But they do not do great listening.

Whether or not you end up divorcing him... don't look askance at peace offerings. Could guard against doing what he's been doing -- jumping to conclusions and then feeling all Grrrr! about it. Basically cranking his own self up and escalating rather than working to de-escalate and seek better understanding.

If you feel calm in the morning? You could ask how he means it -- this attempt at cordial conversation.

If you are not calm in the morning? Not able to communicate well yet? Say so. "I see you wanted to talk, but I need some space to cool off first. I will check in when I feel better. Or you can check in on _____ if I don't check in with you before that." Cool off, and then ask him how he meant it when you check in later on.

Because again... you still have to coparent the kid together whether you stay married or not. And it is a lot easier to do that with someone you have not burned all the bridges with. YKWIM?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-18-2016 at 02:17 AM.
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