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Old 08-11-2014, 01:00 AM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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Several weeks ago i posted a thread asking for advice. i had some very insightful replies that really helped me but more than anything...reading what everyone else was posting really brought me to a better sense of clarity.
In my original post i left out a lot of details for simplicity sake. i would like to try to give more detail here so nothing is left out.
The blogs here and other posts here where people shared so much made all the difference for me and so i wanted to share my story too in the hope that many someone else might find something useful here ... at the very least it is a great place for me to get it all out
generic facts:
i am a 40 yo bicurious/bisexual submissive married to my Master in a monogamous relationship for 13 years.
When i first met my Husband/Master i was a single mom and had been on my own with my three (under 5) children for a few years. i had just finished a Masters' and was applying for a Doctoral level program (i am in the health field). Currently my Husband (actually a PhD in psychology) handles all of the business affairs associated with my career so i focus solely on providing much needed care to low income families. W/we work 5-6 days a week because there aren't enough providers doing what i do and i can't sleep at night knowing children are in pain. So many people say they would never work with their spouse but W/we both say that 24/7 still isn't enough time together. Yes W/we both have outside hobbies and outside lives but really the majority of what W/we do is either O/our business or O/our children. Two years ago, i would have told you i was the luckiest woman in the world and had a dream marriage...that my Husband and i were so blessed that after all these years W/we still couldn't get enough of E/each other. After 13 years i would still say even today that, for me, the NRE hasn't worn off and may never. i get butterflies when my Husband reaches for me...chills down my spine when He kisses me and i won't get into the rest of the details...but everytime He kisses me has all of the excitement of a first kiss...hell yes i'm lucky He does that to me!
i should tell you all a little about me before i met my Husband. i didn't have any idea of this thing called polyamory but i would definitely say i had major tendencies. i wasn't happy with my children's biological dad...something was missing. i loved him...but...i wasn't happy. i would have stayed married to him for the long haul but i came home early from a college class one day and found our one year old still strapped in her car seat (diaper rashes that wouldn't go away suddenly made sense) and him holding our six week old baby in the air shaking him screaming at him. i know everyone thinks surely i knew...no i didn't...i would have said that the kids' dad was the sweetest most gentle man if i hadn't seen that myself. After the divorce i decided my children were NOT going to go through a revolving door of men and were not going to get attached and then have to deal with divorce ten years down the road. i kept my dating and my children separate and i was clear with everyone that yes i wanted a relationship but i had major limits. No man would ever meet my children, not even in passing. My parents were extremely close and involved so i always got out once or twice a week and had several relationships with wonderful men (all knew i wasn't being exclusive). i did care about them as individuals and had separate unique relationships with them and it just didn't occur to me to compare...they were who and what they were and i enjoyed being with them...or i didn't. i wasn't looking for "the one" so i wasn't evaluating if anyone was "better" than anyone else...
and then i met Him...i can't even explain it...after O/our first date i cancelled every upcoming date...i can't even tell you exactly why...i would say He put a spell on me! He changed me...maybe i never knew real intimacy before i met Him...when He looked at me on that first date i felt like He saw everything about me...right into me...i just can't explain...everything in my world changed in an instant. It felt like He knew me better than i knew myself and let me tell you... FREAKY!
i would like to think that in the relationships i had prior to Him that i had let people know me and that i didn't walk around with a "mask" but maybe i did...i had no idea i was a submissive...hell i didn't know a thing about any of that...all i can say is there is something that happens to me physically and emotionally everytime i see Him...something i never felt with anyone else...its a mixture of butterflies and excitement and sometimes i blush...i won't say it was like that the entire 13 years...i did lose that for a few months here recently but i will get to that (and i'm soooooooo glad the butterflies are back!)
So...the first few months W/we were together and He taught me so much about BDSM...He never tried to label me or push me...just opened doors that i went FLYING through...i felt like i had found myself...sort of like i had gone my entire life with a huge part of me missing and not knowing anything was missing until suddenly there it was...and there i was...me...He always professed Himself to be a one-woman man...He had no interest in any actual physical relationships with others...but He did flirt/chat online to some other women...He always told me that if W/we ever married that would end...and when W/we said O/our vows He was true to His word...His conversations and demeanor changed...i felt like a princess...i was treated like a princess...life was good...sooooo good! When W/we got married W/we agreed to not have any more threesomes (i talked Him into experimenting once or twice with women He and i had both been talking to).
Fast forward five years into O/our marriage and W/we met someone online that i knew early on was going to be...an issue...she was such a perfect complement to all of the BDSM kink Master couldn't experience with me...i was shocked and devastated when He asked if i would consider a threesome (all of the others were my idea). She lived on the other side of the US so i guess i felt like it might be a few really hot nights and then she would leave and it would be out of His system. i knew then and still know now that there was far more to T/their online discussions than i had any idea about...my Husband has always been so honest and so open...i let Him have that...i know that so much has to do with Him feeling a sense of shame about His thoughts/desires...which makes me very sad for Him...He showed me a whole new world where i am so free to be me...really me...i want that for Him too! even if it hurts a little
so...she came and things happened and it was nothing like what He had hoped...i thought that was the end of it...they talked a few more times online and then i told Him i really just needed to close that chapter and move forward and so He said that He stopped talking to her.
Fast forward five years...He and i are at O/our office and He tells me He got this random email from her...hasn't talked to her in years...but now she lives about six hours away and really needs a job and a new start and to get away from the situation she is in...i didn't even hesitate...we needed someone to help Him with some filing stuff and they hadn't talked in years...i knew her situation and i wanted to help. You all know what i'm going to say next, but know this...i am a determined person and i have looked into all aspects of O/our life and with the exception of her...no He doens't lie to me about anything or keep anything from me...its just something about her and His inability to just be honest about what He is thinking/feeling...
So...something just isn't right...i check the phone records and find out He talked to her for over six hours BEFORE she sent that email (omg they planned this)...i confront Him...i may be a submissive but i can damn well handle business when it needs to be handled it doens't matter who the hell i have to handle...so...He comes clean...they have talked a few times over the years and He knew i wouldn't take that well but He really cares for her (at this time He swears He doesn't want anything sexual) and He wants to help her...ok...if you read back in the beginning my Husband and i work DAMN hard to provide services for low income children because no other providers in my area do...W/we are both compassionate people...my husband has that white knight issue and wants to rescue people...
well...ok...she's moved here...she is working here...what is done is done...suck it up get over it move on...but i just wouldn't let it go...so...(hanging head in shame) i put a tracker on His iphone. i am out of town sometimes for business reasons and i find out that He is always at her place during the days i am away from the office...wtf??? Around this time His birthday is coming up...i wanted to surprise Him so i booked a really nice suite at the local casino and also booked a room for my teenagers (like hell i'm leaving them home alone)...
That birthday was literally the WORST night of my entire life...He was angry...i was angry...i just refused to be played or lied to and come what may i was getting to the bottom of everything...at the end of that evening i remember being in a ball on the floor next to the bed in the dark with Him standing on the other side and something in me...broke...i felt it...deep inside me...and in desperation i gave in...i told Him if it was two women He wanted...if He wanted to keep me AND have her...then so be it...i was His and would always be His...i told Him i would learn to cope...i had never failed at anything and i wouldn't fail at this...the next day i found myself approaching her about her being His too...wow...just wow
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  #2  
Old 08-11-2014, 01:01 AM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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i was the dutiful submissive...i worked hard at befriending her and easing her comfort that everything was ok...and i worked hard convincing Him i was ok...nothing was going on between them at this point...lots of talking but nothing was happening...i wanted 100% disclosure He wanted 100% DADT...i felt sleazy about the DADT...i mean...if You feel its within Your morals/ethics to do it...why the hell hide it and who the hell are You anyway? so...eventually my mind settled out and i decided this...i knew Him better than anyoni was the dutiful submissive...i worked hard at befriending her and easing her comfort that e...even if something happened i really didn't believe He would do it again..i really believed it was fantasy is way more fun than reality...i decided that if He went through with it and was sexual alone with her...He wasn't the man i thought He was and i was going to end it...oh don't even start i know that is HORRIBLE and shameful and really really ridiculous but thats how i felt then...now during all of this He was super focused on making sure i was ok...so i was allowed to make this list of what was and wasn't ok...and OMG did i ever make a list!!!! my original list was ...really...complicated and detailed and didn't leave much room for fun (that was kinda my plan)...but over the weeks i did evolve (again nothing but talk was going on) and grow and lighten up...it was my understanding that nothing was happening and so i finally got more comfortable and i did ask Him if anything at all had happened between them....and He assured me no...so i did ultimately give Him His 100% nondisclosure He asked for...and...she moved into O/our home...day after day of Him physically ill depressed sleeping all the time...just NOT ok...still nothing happening...Him saying over and over He just wasn't sure if it was Him and He always wanted to be a "one woman" man...i mean i honestly felt bad for Him after a while...so one day she and i are at the office talking...and she is SO frustrated He isn't moving forward and isn't doing anything with her (massive happy dance on the inside for me) and then she mentions how even when she had her own place and He would come over and she would perform oral sex on Him He was still not very interactive...hold up...back up.... WHAT???????
exit butterflies...the anger ate me up...tore me...i demanded He pay for her to move out immediately...i was done...every day was a roller coaster...i didn't know up from down and i missed more work than i ever have...ever...my word i went to school with walking pneumonia but i just could NOT get out of bed and go to do what for me had never been work...it had always been a joy to help kids not be in pain! during all of this i also was dealing with my oldest daughter turning 18...she has some...issues...i didn't want to add to anything by initiating a divorce...there were several days i was just holding on to get her through high school (my younger two are ... more mellow go with the flow...they could cope with major life changes ... my oldest not so much)...
MONTHS pass...He tells me He will just work with her with the video camera on all the time won't ever be alone with her...won't go do stuff...nothing (they have so much in common and really have a great time hanging out and going to flea markets and playing video games)...i know He is depressed i know He will do anything for me...i know He is horrified and sorry and embarrassed and a huge mixture of emotions over His dishonesty and His continuing desires and conflict over those...
Now...i should explain...during all of this i had a few beliefs...#1 if He really loved me...no way He could do anything and #2 He has these desires because something is wrong with me and this is all my fault... i can not tell you how many times i told Him i would be a slave and i would be a pain slut (ok that is laughable) ...He was always kind...but firm in reminding me that i am not a slave it isn't who i am and i am not a pain slut and He appreciates it but i need to know...really truly know how much He loves me for me...for who and what i am and He doesn't want or desire to me to be anything other than who and what i am...through all of this He was so loving and so romantic and made such an effort to be reassuring of His love for me and that i wasn't losing any part of Him...that He would put this desire away and never consider it again if that was what i needed...and for months...thats exactly what He did...
Things got to the point where they did hang out in public places..or she would come over when i was out of town (typically one or two nights a week i would stay in my apartment an hour away so i didn't hvae to get up at 4 am to commute the two days a week i wasn't in my home office)....she was there a lot...i do believe Him and more so her...that they were just friends NOTHING was going on between them...but i didn't feel any better about anything...the roller coaster of emotions just would not stop...
i realize now that the two years that all of that above played out...i was grieving...i was going through all of the normal emotions of grieving for the marriage i thought i had and the future i thought W/we had...i typically will work and work and work at something until i have an aha or "epiphany" that will bring resolution...i don't let go and i don't stop...
slowly i came to realize how much He loves me...its so obvious in how much it pains Him to have these desires...and i realize how much i love Him and how capable i am of working through my insecurities to reach a place where this could be possible...i also came to realize that she has no where to go...no family...no one...her past is painful and horrible and breaks my heart...so i actively worked to stop blaming her for what really wasn't her fault at all...and i actively started to take note when my internal demons were twisting His words and His actions ...so often i would take something innocent He said and twist it and attack myself with it...so Him saying "I have always had these fantasies about owning a slave" became "you aren't good enough, you don't give me enough, you are fat and ugly and i don't want to be with you i fantasize about her"...it is so amazing how easy it is to interpret things people say in different ways...so i started deliberately making myself take His words and allow myself to take it apart and analyze it and then force myself to admit that His intention and what He meant to communicate and what i was hearing weren't always the same...i had to eventually hear everything without letting myself make it about me...its NOT ABOUT ME...and every time i was making it about something that i wasn't good enough or pretty enough or hot enough in bed or this or that...i wasn't hearing HIM and i wasn't being present for Him i was being selfish and self destructive and once i got that...REALLY GOT THAT...its not about me...suddenly i realized how goddamn amazing i am...i am not perfect i am not a sex kitten but when i went through objective things about myself and acted like it was someone else...i was pretty damn impressed so what the hell is my problem
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  #3  
Old 08-11-2014, 01:01 AM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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i won't say i don't still struggle...a lot... with self loathing and wanting to make everthing about what a failure i am...i just work very hard every day to not succumb to that...i am overweight...i can fix that...i am not the prettiest girl but even the pretty girls think someone else is so much prettier and really how important is that? i am not the sex kitten i wish i were bodily fluids still gross me out and i have to work on that... but my husband LOVES ME...He chooses me and i know...i know without any doubt (once i make the demons be quiet) that i am deeply truly madly loved by Him and He will never ever leave me or betray me...that if W/we just talk and communicate and work on keeping U/us...relationships take work but i let go of the anger and the divorce thoughts...
i was a slut before i met Him...i have been with so many different people that i know sex with Him is better than anything i'm ever going to have with anyone else ever so while i don't know that i'm technically monogamous or even monoamorous...what i have and what i feel for Him is everything to me...He is the only man who can make me have an orgasm and the only man who has ever made me feel so beautiful and special and erotic...His passion when He is with me...to this day astounds me...yes everytime with Him for me is like the first time...its exciting and erotic...but unlike typical "first times" i know His buttons and so its even BETTER...i know sex with me isn't the same for Him...He still has curiosities that i just don't have...and thats ok...that doesn't mean that sex with me isn't great for Him...it does mean that He will likely have some NRE with her when/if T/they finally consummate T/their relationship...
A few weeks ago He was out of town and while He was away i suddenly realized that i didn't feel any better with them NOT exploring a sexual relationship...in fact i felt worse...they spend so much time together as friends (He offered to completely end any time with her and i just felt silly about that so they always had the door open and kids in and out or were in public places...so i KNOW nothing happened) ...
i have insecurities i can't help that...i have anxieties...so if i'm going to be insecure and anxious...well they may as well enjoy their time together and take it to the next level...i'm not going to be any more hurt by it than i already am doing to myself in my imagination...so i called Him and told Him and caught Him completely off guard...but yes He is still interested in pursuing that with her but there are a lot of issues...and i talked to her and she was still interested in that too but again...a lot to talk about...they talked a lot for a few weeks...with the idea things would move forward and yet...they didn't...i know part of that is my fault...He is wondering if its another trap...i have to own that...i did that and i'm ashamed i did but people do dumb things often...during this time i came to polyamory.com and posted that first post...somewhere in all of that i discovered i am not alone...there are other men and women devoted to their partner and their partner is involved in other relationships too...and it works...i discovered that so many of the things i was feeling were normal...and people had worked through it...and i read other people posting and saw the flaws in their logic and then had to very sheepishly admit that i was guilty of the same flawed logic...
Yes...it is possible that my husband loves me dearly deeply truly and has interest in a relationship with someone else...He doesn't have a limited amount of love to give...i am not going to "get less" and as a matter of fact because of my schedule there is SO MUCH time for Him and her to do their activities during times i am unavailable to be with Him ...that i will not lose any extra time with Him..my day to day doens't have to change...and His interest in her isn't a indication to the rest of the world that i am somehow deficient and incapable of pleasing my man...i don't have to be humiliated or embarrassed...its not a reflection on me at all...it isn't about me...its Him
and what i want is to know Him...all of Him...warts and bumps and good and bad...and if this is who He is i want to love Him for that...during this second attempt He has been amazing at the disclosure...sharing Himself and His thoughts and where He is at...W/we are closer now than W/we have been in years...there is 100% disclosure...no that doesnt' mean He is going to tell me all the "juicy details" but it does mean a lot of communication and no secrets...i can ask what i want to ask...and this time around...that HUGE list of restrictions? gone...and let me tell you how liberating it has been to accept that this isn't about me or my short comings and how freeing it is to NOT have restrictions...see i thought restrictions helped protect me...but for me it just made me more anxious..well what if this and what if that...when i read on here how its NONE OF MY BUSINESS their relationship...it all made sense..i don't want to tell Him what He can and can't do...i just want Him to be able to talk to me about anything He thinks He needs to and for her to feel comfortable talking to me about any and everything....
A few weeks ago He had to go out of town again (family stuff again) and she stayed with me for two weeks...during that time we did a lot of things together (NOT sexual...yes i am bi but i'm owned and part of that is He doesn't share...hypocritical but its ok i don't want to anyway so its only an academic argument)...anyway she and i talked and talked and talked about her wants and desires with Him and we became friends...i learned so much about her and i stopped seeing her as the enemy and the competition and i realized what she wants is exactly what He wants and its NO THREAT to me or my marriage to Him...
So...He already cares deeply for her as a friend...there are already emotions there they already spend a ton of time together...the only real difference is going to be the BDSM interaction and the sex...and frankly before i met Him sex was very recreational to me...they are really more friends with benefits than any major romantic love (not that that would be an issue if that developed but neither believes that will)...they have mutual interests in BDSM that go way beyond what i will participate in...so what do i lose in any of this? The thought of my husband having sex with someone else is troubling...it makes me sad...but not anything terrible or unbearable...i feel a little excluded but uhm i don't really want to be a part of that anyway so that feeling is silly...
As of right now she practically lives in my home again...with my husband and i and my two teenagers still at home. My kids have a blast hanging out with her and this past weekend He and i got a bit of a second honeymoon with some unexpected time off and a trip to a really romantic small town...all because of her...now i have the kids with me and they are alone at my house and tomorrow will go away for a night or two themselves...i think my husband finally believes i'm ok...i think He finally saw this weekend the change in me and that He can let go of the guilt of hurting me...thats over thats in the past...
i actually was laughing in the bathtub last night...when He asked me why...i told Him it was funny to me that over the course of two years it has gone from me thinking my whole world was ending...horrible mood swings...a period of detachment from Him (with a loss of butterflies !) to reconnecting on an even deeper more intimate level (huzzah butterflies are back)...so much growth on my part to the point where not only can i accept this other woman into O/our lives...i think i want her in O/our lives?
yeah...wow
i know it can't be this easy...not that two years of insane emotional roller coaster was easy...but this board has been such a major factor in bringing everything together ...i only hope that some of what i share here and share in the future might serve the same for someone else...it helped so much to not be alone
my Husband...He is a good honest decent man...He has made some MAJOR mistakes in the course of all of this but His heart is good and His love for me is true...He and i have learned so much together...the things He shares with me i know He could never have been so open even a year ago...and its all i ever wanted...to know and love ALL of Him the same way He knows and loves all of me

~epiphany
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Old 08-11-2014, 11:36 PM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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So today it seems i get to deal with that lovely inner demon that likes to twist things/events/words in the worst (and most painful) ...

my Husband and His potential slave were alone in my home last night... Nothing new there but this morning... no good morning text... No reply to my first three texts... ok now i KNOW that this can b normal it has been this way before but do i leave it at that? Hell no i tried to start telling myself all sorts of really pornographic things that must have happened and He surely doesn't want to come back to reality and talk to me... i know... i see the ridiculousness of all that... doesn't make my emotions or feelings act sane but His shortness with me all day i know is unrelated and tomorrow everything will be fine... it's probably always going to be a battle i have to deal with... i like to punish myself there is still part of me that hates me and uses this to make me pay for my sins ... i know it's illogical i can separate myself and recognize it and i am getting better at controlling it but sometimes it comes out with such a vengeance ...

Tonight He is out of town with her... Staying at a super nice hotel and i am actually going to be in O/our home alone... i don't know how i feel about this...i have no idea where T/their relationship is if T/they have had sex yet or no but i know it's His agenda either last night or today and yeah that's messing with me... Anyway He is always with her when i am away this is a first that i am home and available and He is away... it is a total fluke and probably won't happen again anytime soon...

im just kinda going nuts... the other day i was laughing because i actually WANTED this... i like having someone else do His laundry and help with kids and cleaning house...today i am feeling very uncertain and hesitant... i am sure that these are normal feelings especially since i am monogamous to Him (i really have no idea what i am but in this relationship i am mono... In the event of death or divorce all bets are off im probably poly)...

He could never ever handle the insecurity and emotions of me being with anyone else make or female and bc of how He makes me feel im ok with that i don't have any interest or time for anyone but Him...

But right now... Today... i feel pretty shitty and i hope this feeling passes i really liked feeling comfortable and confident!

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Old 08-14-2014, 07:15 PM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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Default Less than...

Today i just feel like now that He is with her... i am less than... O/our relationship is less than...

How the hell can i feel good about myself that He wants to be with someone else to fill voids i don't? i don't buy that u can't be someone's everything... He IS my everything...

Ugh...it used to feel like W/we were a team no matter what i could count on Him... W/we would get through anything together... Now i feel like it's Him and it's me and not U/us... i feel so ridiculously alone

and wtf am i supposed to do when He is with her during times i am not working (let alone how the heck am i supposed to act fine and keep kids happy all day knowing He is with her???)...

Grr

Ok hopefully done venting... i just thought the days of feeling alone were over...
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Old 08-17-2014, 01:33 PM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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So... Three consenting adults a three day weekend and lots of alcohol

It seems the "v" i am in may(?) be heading towards a triad... Before the weekend some conversations between Masters slave and i got very interesting...some potential there at least threesomes are a lot more interesting now...that is a nice change of events and i find myself feeling less excluded...

On the other hand i am still struggling emotionally over my husband/Master being alone with her... i have had to sneak off a few times this weekend for a good cry (blame it on allergies!) ... i know I should be honest with Him about my emotions but I see these emotions as ones more about ego than really important...i know i can and will work through them and everything will be ok but He is so protective of me He would stop everything and i don't want that for Him or for her... T/they want the same thing and its not something i am capable of giving... i saw firsthand this weekend why He has such an unshakeable interest in her...

i am worried though because i can't shake this alone feeling ... i feel disconnected from Him... i am sure some of that helps make it hurt less...

Sorry... this board is just the place where i am dumping these feelings so i don't screw things up here...

~epi
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Old 08-20-2014, 02:42 AM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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Default more rambling....blah

so i wrote out a really really crazy long rambling...then i deleted it...i don't know that anyone would have followed my train of thought...anyway

this weekend i learned:

1- i have more severe control issues than i thought...i drank massive amounts of alcohol and wasnt' able to lose any inhibitions...who drinks that much and thinks clearly? oh..yeah...me. great.
2- seriously flirting going on between His slave and i...He even mentioned eventually it might be ok for her and i to play alone...maybe (ok that's HUGE for Him...silly i know since i'm accepting His relationship with her but still)..although that's VERY SCARY because i have no idea what to do with a girl and i have major sexual inhibitions
3-i have major sexual inhibitions...it really hit home and struck me how idiotic i am...i somehow am so embarrassed if something feels good i don't want anything that feels good and i sure as hell don't want anyone to know i thought it felt good...seriously...even massages? is this a control issue?
4-His slave doesn't have any sexual inhibitions...i realized how very alike she and i are how extremely different we are in just the right ways...i totally get Master's fascination...she is baby blue eyes pitch black hair very well endowed and built similar to me (which since i'm extra curvy i like that)...
5- i'm insanely jealous of how uninhibited she is...how easily she reaches orgasm...i cried in a closet after everyone was asleep because i really feel like shit that i am so unbelievable sexually inhibited (and WHERE THE HELL did that come from? i wasn't like this in the "single" days so wtf wtf wtf??? ok orgasms are next to impossible for me but really i was NEVER this inhibited about other stuff)
6-i really really really enjoyed things this weekend (not that anyone could tell probably)...i wanted her to touch me more and do more but wtf so afraid to touch her?
7-i loved watching my Husband become more and more relaxed and less concerned with me...i feel like i hold Him back...He was so good afterwards too
8- i am extremely conflicted about everything...but i dont' feel like i have a choice...He has been so fascinated by her for so long...i love Him and i want Him to have this...He has been so hesitant to do anything "alone" with her...i hope that this "group sexy time" and Him thinking i'm ok will really help Him feel safe exploring and furthering T/their relationship separate from me
9- she and i continue to get along better and better and even watch out for each other...i'm pretty sure He is going to ask her to move it (may as well she has lived there for the last month or two anyway)...i'm ok with that...i love the group sexy time but i feel like an outsider and i have no idea how to really join the party
10-logically i know what is happening is the best course of action...she has been so good to Him for six years now she deserves T/their relationship to go to the next level and He has been fascinated with her...i want Him to have that and enjoy it and know that i will love Him support Him and won't leave Him...but emotionally i feel alone and i know I've done it to myself i know if i reach out to Him though it will send Him running right back into that shell/depression and i don't want that...

He told me today that He feels like He is trying so hard to meet my needs and so hard to meet her needs that He isn't sure where He is in all of this...that sort of upset me because really if you knew me...I've done a helluvalottawork to get where i am right now...I've done it FOR HIM...wtf does He want? a parade? He wants two relationships...that comes with a price...He doesn't have as much time and HE NEVER LIKED to do stuff alone anyway...grrr...

this all started two years ago...things are so close to a "new normal" i just can't wait...He has yet to have sex with her alone...i think once W/we get past that hurdle i can take it all in discover everything is still ok suck it up and move on...He is the love of my life and when He touches me i get butterflies...being with Him for me is like falling in love anew every day...no clue why but the way He makes me feel is just indescribable...it breaks my heart i don't make Him feel the same

~epi

Last edited by epiphany; 08-20-2014 at 03:03 AM. Reason: Shorten
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  #8  
Old 08-23-2014, 02:41 AM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 34
Default It's not nice to laugh...

Ok it's not nice to laugh at someone else's expense... But(!!!)

For the last two years Masters prospective other has made me feel like an idiot because of how jealous i am about her time with Master (no T/they aren't having sex yet)...time and time again she really belittled me (yes major history of serious animosity...only recently resolved)... she was always making comments about how she doesn't get jealousy doesn't understand it blah blah blah

So... Master has made a new friend online in a game He and His slave play... Master has had some private conversations with her and has helped her in the game... Nothing at all inappropriate... ah but slave is a green little monster now... so jealous over any word spoken between them any gesture... Anything... Even so far as to have words with her in chat...

i am a horrible person to be amused... no buts ....shame on me she is having emotional reactions and i really should be the bigger person and help her realize how she is twisting things and upsetting herself over nothing...

but i am human and i am enjoying this little moment ... i feel guilty about it but i hope she understands just a TINY BIT how hard this has been for me... Master has been solely mine for soooo long... i did tell her that too... i think she actually got it... hopefully means better understanding and compassion in the future ... But for how shitty she made me feel

Ha ha ha

ok... enough of my mean girl

nice to have someplace to put this out there and leave it... don't need this nastiness in my home such a nice chuckle tho

Boo... Master noticed

~epi
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