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  #31  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Lets put his motivation aside of a second ....why would you want to do this?

Are you ... ? or interested in exploring that? Do you have mismatched ...........................? Are you looking forward to get out and date?

How much reading have you both done here on this possible life changing decision ?


Girlingrey,

what do you mean you don't see predator it's in the tag bar next to manipulation and rescue fantasy.

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-23-2012 at 06:57 PM. Reason: Too many questions
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  #32  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:33 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Seriously, dingedheart? First, SIX questions IN A ROW. Again. I know they're not directed at me, but it still reads like an interrogation. Being willing to think about something your partner wants isn't the same as "wanting" to do it yourself, so you're making assumptions right there. In my case, MC is still mono after all these years, and I don't think poly will ever be something he "WANTS" to do. He's ok with it because it's what I want/who I am and he loves me. The OP is here saying, in a nutshell, "I think I'm ok with this, but I have this question" and people are ALL over her.

Second, when I said I didn't "see" predator I meant when I read her posts his desires did not seem predatory to me. Yes, the word is in the tags and frankly I don't think it should be. It's insulting and rude and possibly slander. We have nowhere NEAR enough information or a clear and comprehensive enough picture of what's going on to make that assumption.

Thirdly, I said 4 newbies INCLUDING my two SO's. That means 2 other posters + my two SO's.
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 05-23-2012 at 06:39 PM.
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  #33  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:34 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post

PossiblyPoly, if you come back to read this at all, I'd say take the advice that makes sense to you and then ask for the thread to be deleted. I don't think any good is going to come of something where people think it's ok to call someone they don't know, with only 2nd or 3rd hand information, a predator. That's a serious accusation, people. I'd ask the mods to do something about it but they can be as harsh and judgmental as other posters.
Threads can be closed but not deleted. But you can submit a complaint to the mods if you feel personally harassed by the replies that you received.
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  #34  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:41 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Oh, okay, thanks Derby. I think PossiblyPoly should do that, then!
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  #35  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:49 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Civilized Bullying Continues.

I have witnessed some serious "civilized bullying" on this forum over the past few months. For me personally, I come to this board to get clear about how I feel, not to get clear about how other people feel about my situation - I have found the people that help me find my own truth, and those who hinder me from finding it with their own agendas and judgements/self righteousness.

I feel really sad that PossiblyPoly came on here looking for support and hoping to find clarity in her own life, and instead has left feeling attacked, judged and ganged up on. Head over to Reddit Poly, PossiblyPoly - there is a lot of good support there and I find the general atmosphere less intense for newbies.

Everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion, but I guess the question is this; is it helping, or hurting someone else to make negative and self righteous assumptions and accusations about their personal life? The only people who really know what is going on in a relationship are the people in it - everyone else is on the outside, looking at it from their own perspectives, and quite possibly projecting all manner of personal issues and assumptions all over the issue and people involved at hand.

The irony, for me, lies in the fact that certain people seem to be running to "rescue" this 23 year old woman who you've never even met - assuming you know what is right for her, "protecting her" from PossiblyPoly and her husband's "evil plans" for her. You are putting yourself in the very position that you seem to be judging PossiblyPoly for by assuming you know what is right for another human being of consenting age. It's kind of hilarious, really.

I agree with ThatGirl- take what helps you, and leave what/who hurts you behind. You have to develop a tough skin on this board, and be ready to duck and dodge totally random shit at times (been there!) Don't let people bully you away from your own path, your own truth, and your own progress towards poly (if that's the path you end up choosing). You'll find your way, have lots of love in your heart to give, and have valid questions and concerns to break down and find your own truths in; there's not other alternative for thoughtful, respectful, loving human beings, and from what I can tell you and your hubby have all three qualities in spades.

Hugs, PossiblyPoly, and sorry that your first experience on this board has been the shits!
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  #36  
Old 05-23-2012, 06:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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TGIG,



I was just trying to take the topic off the husband for a minute. And explore other avenues .

Whats your personal rule on the number of questions....wait thats a question never mind I retract that

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-23-2012 at 07:40 PM.
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  #37  
Old 05-23-2012, 09:39 PM
TheLizardQueen TheLizardQueen is offline
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i think i get what you are trying to explain... your hubbs has feelings for her and wants to try to love her an make her happy. because he cares so much, it has caused you to care for her as well...did i read that right?
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  #38  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:43 AM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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I do not see any of the more critical posts as being centered on words that have "different or deeper meanings in the poly community." (?) It's not even just a poly problem, but a different one altogether. I would hope that most people here understand basic relationship skills regardless of whether the issue has to do with poly or mono or anything else. And offering an opinion about something is not the same as "self righteous assumptions and accusations about their personal life." I don't think it is self-righteous to say something stinks, is creepy, seems predatory, or is a half-assed way to do things. There is nothing wrong with sharing our gut reactions to something, and no one bullied the OP here IMO. The only bullying I see is the self-appointed forum police reprimanding people about how their responses are worded and barking about how many questions a person can ask. We can only express our opinions on the one sliver of a person's situation that is shown us, and if they take it as a criticism of their entire life, I think they are overly sensitive.

Last edited by ihaveasecret; 05-24-2012 at 01:27 AM.
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  #39  
Old 05-24-2012, 01:50 AM
PossiblyPoly PossiblyPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Perhaps you should take the advice offered, or will you only accept it if it agrees with what you've already decided?

There's a difference between "This is what I think/hope" on a first date and "This is how my husband and I have decided the next ten years of your life will be" on a first date. If you honestly can't see the difference then "Creepy Old Dude" is right no matter what your gender (and I'm also female, BTW, so don't try pulling the "but girls don't think like that" card).
If what I got at the outset was advice, I failed to recognize it. It felt like disgust and condemnation.
We did not 'decide', it was simply conjecture. All theory, just talk. Obviously, things would change or be rejected entirely after discussions with C. Never anywhere did I say this was set in stone.
I also did not say "girls don't think like that", I said essentially that girls have a tendency to let their imaginations run years ahead of where they are with plenty of scenarios that may never come to pass.

dingedheart - I'm okay with questions. Questions are good. I don't mind the number. Heck, I'd fill out a survey. :-)

why would you want to do this? From our previous experience with having another female in the house, I really enjoyed having a friend to share things my husband doesn't enjoy with. My hope would be that C and I could be friends (it seems we do share a number of interests) and have fun doing things together.

Are you ... ? or interested in exploring that? I'm not sure what the blank is here. I am not remotely interested in women sexually, if that's what you're asking. So, there would be no sexual relationship between myself and C.

Do you have mismatched ...........................? Again, I'm not sure what the blank is here beyond maybe libido? At one point we had an issue with this. I have more of a drive than he does, but we've gotten that worked out.

Are you looking forward to get out and date? No. I have no desire to be with anyone beyond my husband. C would probably never be anything more than a very good friend to me. I hesitate to use the word sister because of the connotations that would undoubtedly bring to mind, but thats probably the closest word.

How much reading have you both done here on this possible life changing decision? I can't speak for him, but I've been searching all over the net for anything remotely close to our situation. Most of the other forums I've come across are dead with the most recent postings being from months if not years ago. I was excited when I saw how alive this forum was. I read some of the threads, but didn't see much that was similar to what we were thinking, which is why I started the thread.

In general, I'd like to apologize for my small tantrum earlier. This is far from the first time I've put my personal life online and certainly not the first time I've received negative feedback, even in harsh form. Usually, I've got fairly thick skin and can shrug off the outlandish stuff. I have no problem admitting that pregnancy combined with the tenderness of this subject, has made me quite sensitive. Also, I do feel that the tags and repeated accusation of predator amped up my emotions.

G had a conversation with C today. She and her boyfriend talked some this morning and have decided to give it another shot. So, this discussion is tabled for the forseeable future.

Thank you, yet again, to those that offered constructive advice. You've given me food for thought.

To those that jumped on the Creepy bandwagon, I'd ask them to think of the addage concerning honey and vinegar. No one is going to want to listen to what you've got to say after you've attacked them. I would have been far more receptive to your point of view if you hadn't immediately declared my husband and I icky people.


Thank you also, to whoever edited the tags. I really appreciate that.

Last edited by PossiblyPoly; 05-24-2012 at 02:00 AM.
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  #40  
Old 05-24-2012, 03:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have a few questions.

You said earlier in the thread that if your husband had come home and said he wants a girlfriend, you would not have agreed to that. So, I guess the fact that he said he already fell in love with her and wanted to protect and teach her was a major part of your willingness to accept and welcome her as part of your household and his lover.

So...

Now that this is tabled, do you think your acceptance of him being with her has opened up new possibilities for polyamory in your relationship? Are you going to look at it as more of an option now, and perhaps open up your relationship? You never know - he might come home two months from now and say he fell in love with another woman, so I'm just wondering if you might change your perspective on if he asks "for simply a girlfriend," as you put it. This whole situation could be one stage in a new development for you two.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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dependence, father figure, living together, moving in, predator, pregnancy, rescue fantasy, secondaries, secondary, unicorn, unicorns, white knight

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