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Old 03-26-2010, 01:55 AM
korindino korindino is offline
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Angry Being an afterthought.

Okay, I know I'm menstrual and I'm stressed from having been at work 8 days back to back. But I'm seriously upset right now.

Alex has been out of town for two weeks, and he just got back last night. I didn't get to see him the night before he left because Jenny wanted him all to herself, and when he came home he went right into spending the evening with her. I know that's the primary relationship, and I respect that. But when Jenny tells me how she loves her space when Alex is out of town, and when she says she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, it hurts me that she keeps me from spending time with him, when these last few weeks have been so rough on me and all I want is to see the man I love.

On top of that, I asked Alex last night when I talked to him, when I would see him today. He refused to give me a time. I told him to give me a time frame. He gave me a window of three hours during which he may or may not call me, and then we'd make plans.

That window ended two hours ago and I haven't heard a peep from him. I know he's not with Jenny, because she has work tonight. And after being told on the phone every other night how much he missed me, it feels like shit being strung on like this.

I feel so tertiary. I feel like an afterthought, like a booty call. We never make plans. He calls me up and asks me to come over, and when I do all he wants is for me to provide free labor for his business and then fuck him. He hasn't taken me out anywhere or made plans to do anything else with me in the month we've been seeing each other.

I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.

All I asked for was a time-frame. And he couldn't even drop me a line sometime during those three hours to let me know he was busy and wouldn't see me until later. I'm keeping my life on hold so I'm ready to see him when he calls me. And it pisses me off that this is what I have to do, just so I can spend time with my boyfriend.

I'm so incredibly hurt, upset, and angry right now and I want to cry and scream. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired of being a fucking afterthought.
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Old 03-26-2010, 02:32 AM
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope things get better for you. I don't have any words of wisdom or anything unfortunately.

-Derby
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Old 03-26-2010, 02:37 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I think that would be something I wouldn't tolerate in a relationship.
IMHO each relationship is very important and each should recieve the respect it deserves. Making plans is a requirement for me.

I'm sorry you feel so bad right now.
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Old 03-26-2010, 03:10 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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I really feel for you, as I can see you are struggling. It is good that you are so in touch with your feelings. But, it seems to me like you are waiting for him to change his behavior and you are frustrated because he isn't changing. I find it's always best to get into reality right away and adjust my expectations to a realisitic level, or go somewhere else where my exectations can be met. You can't buy milk at the hardware store. Good wishes to you !!
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Old 03-26-2010, 05:40 AM
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I always say that actions speak people's true emotions.

I wouldn't put up with this either.
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Old 03-26-2010, 02:06 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Hi korindino,
maybe it is time for an honest heart to heart? maybe he is oblivious to how you feel?

I've actually gone thru something similar thing in my last poly relationship and that was the case- oblivious. he would kind off keep me on the side lines by not committing to a certain time or even a date, he'd drop by when it was convenient for him, i would constantly have to think of his SO in all plans because he didn't always consider all of her feelings, and essentially i felt like i was a part time girlfriend because he was not spending all that much time with me or i with him. so i had a heart to heart with him I told him i was feeling like the part-time girlfriend amongst the other things, he was oblivious to these things. after our talk he made genuine effort to try to include me more in his life, he would actually give me a yes or no confirmation for plans, he would consider his SO's feelings more often, and would actually do things with me.
heres the flip side though, sometimes the person can't change. its "how they roll". thats where you come in. only you can figure out what to do in that case.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so frustrated and i really do hope that you feel better soon. i know whats it is like to want to spend time with your loved one only to find them oblivious to how you feel.
and (((Hugs)))
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-26-2010 at 10:14 PM.
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Old 03-26-2010, 08:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
You can't buy milk at the hardware store. Good wishes to you !!
..That expression, is so very true !
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:54 PM
korindino korindino is offline
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So I talked to Alex last night. Turns out he had tried calling me, and my phone had no signal so it went straight to voicemail. I told him how it bothered me that I had to wait for his call at all. He apologized.

Tonight we have plans to go to dinner and the theater together. With actual times set up and everything.

Let's hope this holds.
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Old 03-27-2010, 02:06 AM
spacehippiegeek spacehippiegeek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by korindino View Post
I know that sex is the ultimate expression for love in Alex's eyes. I know that when we have sex, he's trying to show me how much he cares. however, this view seems incredibly juvenile to me, and he is completely oblivious to the fact that being loved happens outside the bedroom, too.
I am far from a relationship expert, but here are my thoughts. It is okay for one person to need physical expressions of love... but they should be willing to express love in the way their partner wants. Have you explained that time together (outside of sex) is how you feel loved?

It's okay to ask for what you want, and you definitely should be asking for what you need. If what you need is unimportant to him... perhaps he does not care about you. Or perhaps he does care about you, but is not compatible to be in a romantic relationship with you.
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Old 03-27-2010, 03:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by korindino View Post
He apologized.
Tonight we have plans to go to dinner and the theater together. With actual times set up and everything.
hooray! he both apologized and made an effort to change! thats awesome! i hope this holds too. sounds like you two are on the right track.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-27-2010 at 01:06 PM.
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