Polyamory Vs "Walking Marriages"

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by alexi

Infact there is a tacit understanding that care will be taken to remain childless with a poly partner..

? Many poly people want and have children. I guess there is a "tacit agreement" in our culture to try not to have children until one decides they're ready and talks about it with their partner(s), but that's hardly specific to poly.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by alexi

I hardly find any discssions where it involves children, in a poly relationship. Hence my observation.

I guess you haven't read any of the numerous threads here on raising children in poly households, or how poly people share childraising responsibilities. We have a Master Thread on the topic with over 200 posts. Have you done a search at all?

Originally Posted by alexi

In any relations between the sexes, children must be an issue.

Not in "any" relationship. That statement totally dismisses the many, many relationships of people past childbearing age. We still count. And for many other people, it isn't an "issue."

Originally Posted by alexi

Infact there is a tacit understanding that care will be taken to remain childless with a poly partner.

Tacit understanding in all poly relationships? Where are you getting that from? Lots of the poly people I know in my community co-parent with their partners, and if they don't co-parent, their kids play together and whatnot. Lots of poly people who are members of this forum have kids, co-parent, and don't have rules that they not get pregnant. That sounds like some weird idea that a married couple can dictate what their unicorn can do. I don't think that's realistic at all. There are a gazillion different kinds of poly relationships. Some where people are childfree, some where people raise kids together, and everything possible that you can think of in between.

I'm just pointing out that those are some interesting generalizations you're making, but I really don't think there is much to substantiate them.

[JaneQSmythe]

Like some of the others I do find it interesting to read about a culture that treats marriage and sex differently in a way that makes sense and works for many. However, for me personally, this wouldn't work very well and I would not choose it for myself (just as I didn't choose to follow the marriage customs of our culture - we forged our own).

If I didn't have my boys I could see living as a solo poly like NYCindie. I think that I would like to have a few men and women that would come over and see me on a regular or irregular basis and then go back to their homes/lives/families. It was never my intention to "find" people to live with - that happened magically on its own (exactly twice - 19 years apart) so I don't think that I would go "looking" for that again. (Even though I love my situation - that is with these two boys that I couldn't help falling in love with, that work so well together.)

I would much prefer to be able to create a "chosen family" of lovers and friends than be expected to live with people that were family by accident of biology. (Don't get me wrong, I love my family, they are some of the most intelligent interesting people I know - but one week once a year living together is about as much as I can take.)

*****

In terms of children - lots of poly people have kids, some have kids from previous relationships, some have kids with their primary partner(s) only, and some have kids "amongst the poly family." The decision to bring a new person into the world is a major one so it is not surprising that people give it a lot of thought and take precautions to avoid it happening unintentionally. So there is a fair amount of talk about avoiding pregnancies with "secondary" partners - which may be where you get this impression.

You may also get the impression that poly people don't decide to have kids because in these boards alot of the posts have to do with people who are new to poly and struggling - THAT is not a time to add a pregnancy into the mix. So you may not see the older stable poly families posting much about it because they are busy living their happy poly lives and raising their children.

There was a recent poster talking about what happened when they moved their poly family from a poly-friendly neighborhood to one that was more judgemental. (I will try to find the thread - unless someone else remembers it.) You may want to check out the blogs of some of the established polyfolk here - I know Phy has written about their plans to start a family in her blog. And I have shared my story in this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...967#post130967

There are others that came to decide to be in a poly relationship later in life - after they had already raised one set of kids and aren't looking to parent again, or are past their childbearing years.

I only subscribed to Loving More magazine for one year but one of the four issues was ENTIRELY devoted to "Polyamorous Families and Parenting" (issue #37 if anyone wants one).

[ThatGirlInGray]

Originally Posted by alexi

Infact there is a tacit understanding that care will be taken to remain childless with a poly partner

Ummm...what? There are many people on this forum who are actively poly and have kids. That may be a tacit understanding in all of your poly relationships, but it's hardly a "fact".

ETA: HAHA! I responded as soon as I read the above quote and didn't realize there were already several better responses. Ooops! :-P

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray

Ummm...what? There are many people on this forum who are actively poly and have kids. That may be a tacit understanding in all of your poly relationships, but it's hardly a "fact".

ETA: HAHA! I responded as soon as I read the above quote and didn't realize there were already several better responses. Ooops! :-P

I think your response is perfect!!

[Shannanigan]

I remember reading about this culture a little in Sex at Dawn; it was nice to get more detailed information here. Also great to read the description as it being a "matriarchal society," as it is generally believed that no matriarchal societies exist, (Sex at Dawn suggests that the reality is that matriarchal societies simply appear egalitarian).

I think that every society has advantages and disadvantages, but that if the people commenting on this thread had been born into and raised in that society, that their family dynamic and experiences growing up, and likely the people in their family, would have been very, very different, and it perhaps would have been more bearable than you think. Being thrown into this society as you are now, a full-grown adult in the society you live in and know right now, is much different than having been raised in it.

[Tonberry]

I think the two problems I can see, apart from my own issues with it, would be a) how open is it with same-sex unions? It doesn't mention it and b) not knowing who the father is makes it more likely to have several generations worth of in-breeding, which after a while can become a problem.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I think the two problems I can see, apart from my own issues with it, would be a) how open is it with same-sex unions? It doesn't mention it and b) not knowing who the father is makes it more likely to have several generations worth of in-breeding, which after a while can become a problem.

But they know who their cousins and brothers are, and it doesn't mean that the woman just have sex with any man who slips into their beds at night. I think they make their choices thoughtfully.

[Tonberry]

If the kids are not told who their father is because it's deemed unimportant (regardless of whether the mother knows it, so it's not like I'm saying they have sex with anyone), it's definitely possible to have sex with your half-sibling without knowing.
Even if every woman has sex with the same man all of her life, if the men have sex with several women they could easily have children in different households, who might meet once adult and have sex and children.
Even if the kids meet each other's parents, the two women might not know they both had sex with the same man and that he fathered both their children.

I don't see what it has to do with making thoughtful choice. Hell, one could think that if you make thoughtful choices, the same men are likely to be deemed suitable partners by more than one woman.

[alexi]

I wonder how things work out in the natural world. The animals still have survived for thousands of years. Do they have an ear for genetics, atleast at a very sub-conscious or instinctive level?

Maybe in the same way it worked out well for the earlier matriarchal or other communities as they lived very close to nature.

Our ancestors too would not have known about genetics as a formal knowledge for a long period of our history except otherwise as a very instinctive feel. And humanity has survived intact till date; and with all the knowledge at our command there is no respite in the ever increasing number of diseases we keep fighting against.

And if I am not wrong one does not find any increasingly 'sick' or 'diseased' people in our matriarchal communities like the Mosuo or other.

Really I am very interested to know more.

Alexi