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Old 05-16-2012, 06:30 PM
Bonobo Bonobo is offline
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Default Changing My Life Today

I'm excited to be here, and hope for some feedback and advice.

I recently ended a monogamous relationship with an incredible woman. She was bright, funny, loving--the full package. I don't think I've ever had a better relationship. Yet, it wasn't me. There was a problem: she wanted romantic and sexual exclusivity for life.

The whole notion of that doesn't make sense to me, it just doesn't compute. At the same time, honesty and trust are the bedrocks of intimacy for me, and while being faithful, I did let her know what i was wrestling with, which made her feel "unsafe" and led to the end of the relationship.

So I'm looking meet others with a similar "orientation" (who want love AND freedom), and would be so grateful and ready to follow any advice here on how to start in this community (I'm LA-based).

I do feel as a single male entering the community, it's going to be especially awkward and difficult, but maybe that isn't true?

Last edited by Bonobo; 05-16-2012 at 06:34 PM.
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Old 05-16-2012, 08:22 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I think how awkward or difficult it is depends a lot on your attitude and expectations. It sounds like you are more looking to take things easy, make some friends and allow things to happen in an unforced way, and I think that is the best approach.

Most areas have poly social groups, where you can meet6 and get to know like-minded folks in a non-pressure environment. You might want to do a Googly search and see what in your area - I can imagine that there is lots going on in LA.

So... welcome!
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:23 PM
Bonobo Bonobo is offline
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Thanks, CielDuMatin. Took your advice and went to an event last night. Mostly guys, but everyone was very friendly and receptive and open.

What made it easier is that I brought a woman I sometimes date, but a few guys (even though it wasn't a party but just a social) were a bit too touchy feely and made her uncomfortable and soured my taste for this a bit because there was a creepy vibe, so need to learn about politely expressing boundaries.
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Old 05-17-2012, 09:25 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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You are not the first person I have heard of that has reported that a poly gathering was a tad creepy because people were a little too touchy or pushy. I think that this is a shame. It is something as an event organiser I very much bear in mind. The forum that I help run has a set of guidelines and expectations for our meet-ups. I won't pretend that it's original - we used lots of places as the sources, but it's at http://birdcage.wikidot.com/birdcage-get-togethers-101 if you are curious.

I suggest that you get in touch with the organiser and let them know your feelings - I would certainly want to hear about things like this, because a poly get-together should be completely non-threatening. it's hard enough for a lot of people to come out of their shells and just "be poly" - what they don't need is another barrier to feeling comfortable doing that.
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:24 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Bonobo,

Although this is late in coming, I just wanted to welcome you to our forum.

Sorry to hear your first meet-up experience was a tad creepy. I have a poly group in my area (Albuquerque), but I haven't been to one of their meet-ups yet, so I guess we'll have to see how it is when the time comes.

I hope you can find some like-minded people in your area (that are a little more circumspect).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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