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  #11  
Old 05-18-2012, 08:34 PM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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UPDATE:

Wednesday was Hubby's last final and so we've had some time to talk a bit (as much as possible between family time). We had a come to Jesus meeting after he signed up to stay late at school after his final. One of his professors offered extra credit to listed to speeches for students who had make up. It wasn't enough to make a difference in a letter grade so I called him on it. He admitted he didn't want to be with his family & that's also the reason that he tried to schedule time away with gf (not that he didn't want to see her but mostly related to not wanting to hang out with his parents). He has been in therapy working through issues related to his childhood & had a lot of raw emotions & didn't want to be around his dad. He apologized & said he knew it was unfair to me.

Since getting to the bottom of things I'm feeling better because Hubby is honoring his word. He has toned down texting with gf & has been more present with his family. We spent a great couple of days.

I still have my apprehensions. Some I know intellectually are irrational and based in my insecurities and things I am responsible to work through. Though my mind says one thing, emotions sometimes say another.

I know, and Hubby has pointed out, I have to trust him that he will treat me well & not allow anything that is contrary. The reason I say this is I am not keen on his choice of people (yes I know, they are not dating me, I don't have to like them, only have to trust him). I am not fond of the knowledge that the other men she is involved with are married but not poly - their wives have no idea & ate cheating. Hubby & I have always disagreed on this point. I am not interested in being involved with someone that is knowingly seeing someone who is cheating. IMO it shows they don't have a respect for others relationships. Others may disagree but that's a core moral issue for me. I'm not going to be a party to someone knowingly hurting their spouse. Again, his choice not mine.

I'm also not thrilled that she pouts when he can't either see her or talk to her. My thought is if you're not very involved yet and pouting what happens when they become sexually involved & their are emotions beyond the crushing that's going on now. Hubby has assured me if that becomes an issue he will nip it in the bud. I believe him. I just rather avoid possible drama in the first place but am aware I may not be the most objective & don't really know her.

I have been trying to sort out why I had such a strong reaction. Hubby has had interactions with women before. Though our quad didn't work out as we had hoped I didn't feel this way about her. I was happy for Hubby. She he confided that he had strong feelings for her I was happy for him. Poly is new to us but he's had connections with people before. It's nt been an issue.

One of the things I think that may be a trigger is that he's never had a relationship with someone I've never met at all. With the previous quad we spent most of our time independently. But I did know her and liked feeling of knowing that she respected me, my relationship & vice vs.

I think when i dissect it part of it is I don't know I trust his judgement 100%. I don't worry that he'd do something that would be damaging to us. I don't worry he's going to leave. I don't feel threatened that his liking her will impact how he feels about me. I'm all good there. But I do know from last experience he tends to be a bit naive when it comes to women. By that I mean there have been instances where there have been women that did not have good intentions or were disrespectful to our relationship & Hubby didn't initially see it. He is a good judge in character but he tends to overlook things that are concerning initially because he doesn't like to think people aren't on the up & up in this sort of situation. It's never gotten to far & once he realized it he nipped it in the bud.

I think another reason I'm sensitive is I don't have a lot of room for extra frustration or stress or drama. We have a LOT of stress going on right now. I have a chronic condition that causes severe pain. It was only diagnosed a year ago but has gotten progressively worse. I am seeing a specialist to look at a surgery option but it's not really promising. Because of my health I've missed a lot of work. This has caused financial issues which causes more stress. The ironacy is that stress can negatively affect my condition. Its been a lot of stress for Hubby to feel helpless. This causes insecurity on my part because to be in my 30's & to know our life may dramatically change because I won't be able yor be the spouse & mother I want to be. When I am having an episode of pain it impacts everything including our sex life. We both have always had a very high sex drive which messed well. Now I'm not always able to participate. Part of me doesn't want to limit Hubby because of my health (he's HUGELY supportive) but its also a very emotional thought to consider someone else may fulfill a need I would like to but can't always.

We are contemplating taking a break to sort through some of these issues especially considering these relationships are very new & don't want anyone to be hurt while we work through an emotional, stressful & transitional time of our life.
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  #12  
Old 05-19-2012, 06:49 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
I know, and Hubby has pointed out, I have to trust him that he will treat me well & not allow anything that is contrary. The reason I say this is I am not keen on his choice of people (yes I know, they are not dating me, I don't have to like them, only have to trust him). I am not fond of the knowledge that the other men she is involved with are married but not poly - their wives have no idea & ate cheating. Hubby & I have always disagreed on this point. I am not interested in being involved with someone that is knowingly seeing someone who is cheating. IMO it shows they don't have a respect for others relationships. Others may disagree but that's a core moral issue for me. I'm not going to be a party to someone knowingly hurting their spouse. Again, his choice not mine.

I'm also not thrilled that she pouts when he can't either see her or talk to her. My thought is if you're not very involved yet and pouting what happens when they become sexually involved & their are emotions beyond the crushing that's going on now. Hubby has assured me if that becomes an issue he will nip it in the bud. I believe him. I just rather avoid possible drama in the first place but am aware I may not be the most objective & don't really know her.

I have been trying to sort out why I had such a strong reaction. Hubby has had interactions with women before. Though our quad didn't work out as we had hoped I didn't feel this way about her. I was happy for Hubby. She he confided that he had strong feelings for her I was happy for him. Poly is new to us but he's had connections with people before. It's nt been an issue.

One of the things I think that may be a trigger is that he's never had a relationship with someone I've never met at all. With the previous quad we spent most of our time independently. But I did know her and liked feeling of knowing that she respected me, my relationship & vice vs.
I do have a lot of opinions about that. I can see why your husband getting into a relationship with this person could be troubling. I would not be involved with anybody who would engage in cheating & I can imagine how stressful it is that you don't like it but have "agreed to disagree". Has your husband talked about how he'd feel if you were with somebody who was cheating or engaged in it? Sometimes people are OK with things for themselves that don't look so OK when they see somebody else do it, not necessarily the case and I guess it's irrelevant if you're not going to compromise yourself morally so he can see what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.

Is there a way you can meet this woman soon? If so I'd do it ASAP if possible.

Technically my husband and I have veto power at the beginning of a relationship, before things get important. I mean if somebody looked likely to be serious trouble and he wasn't "listening" to my concerns, I may say it's her or me if a couple of months had gone by where negative stuff from their relationship was affecting our relationship. My husband can choose whomever he prefers but if it seems somebody is going to do things to disrupt our relationship I'm not going to just let it continue for the rest of my life.

This "pouting" you describe, that would be a giant red flag for me. It makes me wonder if she does that to her cheating husband partners. It makes me wonder if she thinks she has more rights to attention and devotion from your husband because he's poly. I just polled my husband on this, as he's been out with at least a few hundred women over the last 25 years, and the only woman who was pouting about something like this was 21 and monogamous. Pouting about time and attention is probably one of the the biggest destructive things a person can do in a poly relationship, and it's quite unattractive and immature and places a creepy onus on your partner, which can be a problem if your husband wont nip it in the bud BEFORE they are "dating" dating.

I hope you don't have to suffer through a lot of drama for your husband to figure out this might not be a good fit and learn some lessons, but it seems very possible. That's one reason I think meeting her sooner than later would possibly (though not likely) make her realize you're a real human and start acting like a person sharing a partner and not like a spoiled brat.
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  #13  
Old 05-19-2012, 04:34 PM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I do have a lot of opinions about that. I can see why your husband getting into a relationship with this person could be troubling. I would not be involved with anybody who would engage in cheating & I can imagine how stressful it is that you don't like it but have "agreed to disagree". Has your husband talked about how he'd feel if you were with somebody who was cheating or engaged in it? Sometimes people are OK with things for themselves that don't look so OK when they see somebody else do it, not necessarily the case and I guess it's irrelevant if you're not going to compromise yourself morally so he can see what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.

Is there a way you can meet this woman soon? If so I'd do it ASAP if possible.

Technically my husband and I have veto power at the beginning of a relationship, before things get important. I mean if somebody looked likely to be serious trouble and he wasn't "listening" to my concerns, I may say it's her or me if a couple of months had gone by where negative stuff from their relationship was affecting our relationship. My husband can choose whomever he prefers but if it seems somebody is going to do things to disrupt our relationship I'm not going to just let it continue for the rest of my life.

This "pouting" you describe, that would be a giant red flag for me. It makes me wonder if she does that to her cheating husband partners. It makes me wonder if she thinks she has more rights to attention and devotion from your husband because he's poly. I just polled my husband on this, as he's been out with at least a few hundred women over the last 25 years, and the only woman who was pouting about something like this was 21 and monogamous. Pouting about time and attention is probably one of the the biggest destructive things a person can do in a poly relationship, and it's quite unattractive and immature and places a creepy onus on your partner, which can be a problem if your husband wont nip it in the bud BEFORE they are "dating" dating.

I hope you don't have to suffer through a lot of drama for your husband to figure out this might not be a good fit and learn some lessons, but it seems very possible. That's one reason I think meeting her sooner than later would possibly (though not likely) make her realize you're a real human and start acting like a person sharing a partner and not like a spoiled brat.

Thank you so much for the feedback! I've actually had Hubby read this thread. He agreed with your post and feels after the pouting she's not the right fit. Yesterday really determined that for him. He's not talking to the degree that he was but he has said good morning & let her know what we had planned for the day & wished her a good day. Last night she got upset & said she thought something was wrong & that he was mad at her. I know he got carried away but he didn't just drop off the face of the earth. He gave her a heads up that we would be doing things with the family & wouldn't be able to talk as much. He's not tolerant of drama & I'm glad he got the picture quick. Makes me feel more secure about his future choices.

He said he wasn't sure about the question if it were me dating a person who was ok with cheating. He's giving it some thought & I think he really hadn't considered if shoe were on other foot.

It's been another good learning experience & opened a dialog about things we hadn't anticipated would be important to discuss.

I do feel badly for him because I know he was excited. Never fun to see that look on his face. But better than to have seen possible hurt later.
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  #14  
Old 05-19-2012, 06:00 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It's never happy when something doesn't work out, but I'm sure it feels better to have an idea where his tolerance level for drama is. I'm glad he read this thread and was objective instead of defensive, that always bodes well in my opinion.

I understand worries about trusting a partner's judgement - usually the people my husband dates have been great but he has a history of trying to play the white knight. That's mostly been solved by making two of our agreements - we each go dutch or alternate paying on dates with our partners, which helps keep finances in check, and dates have to be at least willing to make equal effort to travel to meet out/take turns at who's house a date is (which I requested because he has a car-less close friend and was also spending time with a car-less interest where it was adding 60-120 minutes to his commute to pick up and/or drop them off at home).

He has been disappointed a couple times when he was interested in somebody and they would've required giving more time or money to the relationship than these agreements allowed. One woman wouldn't take the bus outside the city limits to meet him, and though tempted to make an exception I didn't, and I'm glad. Hmm why all this babbling of mine? Maybe if there are certain things that you or your husband really want to avoid there are agreements that you'd be comfortable making that wouldn't do a lot to limit partner choice, but would potentially keep the most problematic issues from happening. No idea if that would be useful in your situation, but I thought I'd mention it.
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