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Old 05-13-2012, 09:28 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I am so with you on that, Rowan. I feel the need of being kept in touch, to me it's proof I'm being cared about.
If I was told by my boyfriend "I'll be back by/at 11:30" and things changed, I would expect them to call or text as soon as they figured out they can't make it, which is whenever they would have left otherwise. So, if they're 20 minutes away from our place, I'd expect a call/text at 11 if they're not on their way yet (a little bit extra room in case there was traffic, etc), telling me what happened, or just that they'll be late, the details don't matter that much.

If they realise they're late and didn't see time fly, I'd expect a call/text "didn't realise how late it was, I'm on my way now", and not just for them to go straight home.

A lot of the time, my boyfriend doesn't really get that. I end up expecting him at a certain time, and he isn't there for various reasons. If I call him he explains what's up, but if I don't call him he figures he'll have time to explain whenever he sees me next. It's not a huge deal but I hate not knowing because I always assume the worst (there was an accident, etc).
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:53 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
... It's not a huge deal but I hate not knowing because I always assume the worst (there was an accident, etc).
I had an actual panic attack one time when my husband didn't answer the phone for over an hour at one point. It wasn't even a time when he was out having fun, he was leaving work and planned to stop at a couple of places on his way home. I was with my girlfriend, and while I was sitting her driveway before I left her house, I called him to see if we were going to get home at about the same time and such. The weather was crappy so I wasn't sure if he'd went ahead with errands or decided to go straight home. He didn't answer. I left a silly voicemail. He didn't answer a couple of subsequent calls... I get home (20ish minutes later).. Still no word. I keep calling probably 30 times. Still no answer. He gets a hysterical voicemail where I can barely breathe, am obviously crying, and am basically hysterical. I was so afraid he'd been in a wreck because of the bad roads or something like that that I was FREAKING OUT.

He has never forgotten to turn his ringer back on after work OR to text when he's going to be late since then.
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Old 05-13-2012, 08:06 PM
psychomia psychomia is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 25

Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
With regards to this troubling language that keeps popping up:

"freaking out in a non-productive way"
"because of expressed hurt feelings"
"polluted her thing with her lover"

NOT GOOD. I dunno if you're aware of this but her continually projecting her guilt and in turn making you feel worse than you already are is NOT OKAY!!!! It has nothing to do with you being mature or not. If you are experiencing something emotionally and voice that to your partner their response should be to support you through whatever it is. Period. Not try to make you feel like shit when you already feel like shit. Like you're raining on her parade.

Who says that? Seriously?!?! I know she's not used to considering another person's feelings, and that much is obvious, but, really?!
I agree with this wholeheartedly. everyone's feelings matter.

I'm working double-time myself because one of my lovers, who I've been with 9 years, is having a lot of difficulty with jealousy, even though at one point we'd all but ended our romantic relationship after we opened it up. the intensity is exhausting, but how he feels matters. I'm obligated to work things through with him until we reach a resolution, and because of the nature of relationships, that means maybe we'll be working through things forever.

my other lover has ADD, I'm pretty sure, and he drives me insane sometimes, but he's worked on communicating more clearly so I don't feel forgotten. yes, my old lover (his official title was FWB but that might change) having intense issues did spoil NRE for me because my new lover freaked out a bit over the situation (justifiably) but it is what it is. I don't think that just because we're poly we're ENTITLED to immerse ourselves in NRE and neglect every other part of our lives. life is a balance.

PS I have Aspergers and have gone through a lot of CBT. it's not ever going to turn me into a neurotypical, but it has helped me understand how they work and most importantly, accept that I just don't work that way. self-understanding and self-acceptance is really important not only for yourself but so you can function in a relationship with another person or with other people.
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