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  #1  
Old 05-08-2012, 04:36 AM
smokymtngirl85 smokymtngirl85 is offline
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Default Lonely for friendship

I guess this is more of a rant than anything else.

I am just so sick of having no one in my life outside of my partners who understands and supports our lifestyle.

Im so sick of secrets and I just would LOVE to have some friends who are okay with us and id love to friends who live the same lifestyle.

Does anyone else ever just crave understanding friendship with no other strings attached?
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:43 AM
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DarayTala DarayTala is offline
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I definitely understand what you mean, though not necessarily in this situation. I've definitely had times where I wished I had friends who would accept me for who I was and care for my unconditionally without trying to change me. I have never had a problem with polyamory and my friendships, but I believe thats largely in part to how I act and talk about it with my friends.

I was wondering, have you tried coming out to your friends about being poly? If so, what has happened? If not, well, why not? I would like to hear more about the situation if you don't mind sharing, and could maybe give some advice or help in some way.

I think everyone needs to have friends in their life who they can talk to and count on, and who they don't have to hide large parts of themselves from. Hopefully you can achieve that with your friends or find a social circle you feel happy in.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:59 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I can definitely relate - for a while it seemed like the only people I could speak to about poly in person were my partners. I think that was one of the big pushes for me to go out and find a poly group that I could feel comfortable with. Not finding one in my area, and seeing that there were a bunch of others who were in a similar boat, we started one. The good thing is that you can sit at a table in a restaurant with a whole bunch of people and know that you're not going to be judged for loving more than one, and yet can feel free to talk about every topic under the sun that isn't poly-related. It's quite a good and powerful feeling.

Have you looked for poly groups in your area?
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  #4  
Old 05-08-2012, 03:46 PM
smokymtngirl85 smokymtngirl85 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarayTala View Post

I was wondering, have you tried coming out to your friends about being poly? If so, what has happened? If not, well, why not? I would like to hear more about the situation if you don't mind sharing, and could maybe give some advice or help in some way.
.
Yes and no. My husband and I haven't told anyone on our end. I am a LOT more okay with just letting people find out but he's very much not. We both come from deeply religious families & I have a bunch of law enforcement in my family who would make trouble in a heartbeat, but it isn't the judgement we worry about as much as it is the shunning of our children. Their best friends are their family and this is especially important in the case of my oldest for many reasons. We do have one relative who knows and he basically thinks I'm just a whore to put it bluntly. But he still comes around. And my husband has a friend who knows who found out my accident but he no longer talks to me and started inviting my husband to church and trying to pray with him.

My fiance and I have been open and honest with everyone in his family and circle of friends. And the reaction we received was surprisingly welcome but his circles are a LOT LOT more open minded than mine and way less religious and judgemental. But I've never met his family they live in different states and I've never been around most of his friends for long periods.

We primarily don't tell people because of the kids. I am not at a place where I want my kids to know and I don't want people treating them any different. When I came out as Bisexual i was open and honest about it and got a horrible reaction from my family and Im not about to go there again. They basically refused to come around and my youngest siblings (very young) were not allowed to come to my house to be too involved with my kids. It took years to repair that and now my oldest son and one of my brothers are VERY close friends and the type of relationship they have is one i'm not willing to give up.

Its just really hard and I feel so alone at times because I cant tell anyone that I know. I even live in an area that is fairly open-minded environment. There are a few friends I could tell but stuff always manages to make it back to my family. I come from a VERY critical family.

I just feel like I'm trapped sometimes being the outsider. . . .
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:48 PM
smokymtngirl85 smokymtngirl85 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
I can definitely relate - for a while it seemed like the only people I could speak to about poly in person were my partners. I think that was one of the big pushes for me to go out and find a poly group that I could feel comfortable with. Not finding one in my area, and seeing that there were a bunch of others who were in a similar boat, we started one. The good thing is that you can sit at a table in a restaurant with a whole bunch of people and know that you're not going to be judged for loving more than one, and yet can feel free to talk about every topic under the sun that isn't poly-related. It's quite a good and powerful feeling.

Have you looked for poly groups in your area?
See that is the type of environment I would LOVE to be in. I have looked for groups in my area a tiny bit. But the one group i reached out to still has yet to respond and it just got me even more discouraged than I already was.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:57 PM
smokymtngirl85 smokymtngirl85 is offline
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Sometimes I wonder if I don't tell people more for my husband's sake. . .I know he doesn't want people to know especially his family. He's always been so obsessed with what people will think about everything.
Secretly, I think he's ashamed of me even though he doesn't say so. And I keep holding my head up and pushing past it but it hurts a lot.
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  #7  
Old 05-08-2012, 06:19 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smokymtngirl85 View Post
See that is the type of environment I would LOVE to be in. I have looked for groups in my area a tiny bit. But the one group i reached out to still has yet to respond and it just got me even more discouraged than I already was.
Have you thought about maybe trying to start another group? If no one in the group contacted you back, it may mean they aren't very active. If meetup.com is used in your area, you can start a group on there and see if you gain interest. Or even just posting on craigslist or something like that.

Also, have you tried joining other groups that support your other interests? It sounds like you tend to surround yourself with religious people (I used to do that) which makes it difficult to find welcoming groups. Maybe go outside of the normal circles and find a completely separate group, with no overlap, and see if you can make friends who will be more open minded?

Quote:
Originally Posted by smokymtngirl85 View Post
Sometimes I wonder if I don't tell people more for my husband's sake. . .I know he doesn't want people to know especially his family. He's always been so obsessed with what people will think about everything.
Secretly, I think he's ashamed of me even though he doesn't say so. And I keep holding my head up and pushing past it but it hurts a lot.
Why does he care that strongly what other people think? I had to fight this with my husband. We still haven't told that many people, but we are on OKC with pictures posted and all, so we're not particularly hiding it. Neither of us has another partner at the moment either, so there's really nothing to tell... haha But, anyway, he was literally afraid his family wouldn't love him anymore - that his sisters wouldn't allow him to see his nieces and nephews, that his parents would be revolted, that he would literally lose everyone he loves (besides me) if they found out we are poly. After months of talking about it, he realized that was irrational. Other family members have come out with much worse (think various varieties of law breaking and lots of cheating in most marriages) so even if his family didn't approve, they'd still love him and treat him like family. It was something he really had to fight to get over, though.

Have you told him you think he's ashamed of you? Does your husband id has poly?
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  #8  
Old 05-10-2012, 12:11 AM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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I am sorry that you have to guard your life so carefully. I know how difficult it can be.
Although I do not live near my family I also worry about coming out in any way, whether it be poly or bi. This isn't because I really care what people think but because we live in a very small, religious, area where my partner works with the public. I would hate for him to loose his job or be ostracized because of our relationship.

I would love to have even a small group of friends that I could be myself with but it has not happened yet. I am on OkC looking for like minded people as well as possible partners.
I recently ended one friendship because we had absolutely nothing in common and I could never really be myself around her. Another so-called friend recently stopped speaking to my partner and I because a mutual friend started a discussion about alternative relationships and it made him uncomfortable. That friend lives a unusual lifestyle himself but had no desire to accept us as we are.
Sorry to run off on my own little tangent but I understand, if you ever want to chat.

Last edited by Castalia; 05-10-2012 at 12:20 AM.
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  #9  
Old 05-13-2012, 08:34 PM
psychomia psychomia is offline
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I've been where you are.

in fact, I went from polyamorous and bisexual to monogamous and straight because I was married and in a religious cult. after the divorce, it took me years to fully leave the cult and embrace who I really am and feel ok about it. even before I accepted who I am, I managed to make friends with a poly bi woman who has become like my sister and just the exposure to her network of friends did wonders for me.

the other thing that's helped me most recently is joining a philosophy discussion group. I found that most of the people in the group are very accepting, and it turns out some are poly. if that kind of activity interests you, PM me and I can help you find out if there's one in your area.
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