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Old 05-10-2012, 10:29 PM
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Dalsol Dalsol is offline
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Smile A quick hello

Hi all,

My partner and I have recently decided to explore polyamory after three years of varying degrees of monogomy. We began down this road a year and a half ago with him finally admitting his desire to experience other women before committing long term to just one (something I'd suspected for a while but he had to find the courage to admit to himself).

As he explored explored this further, eventually sleeping with a friend I realised I was opening myself to closer emotional relationships with a couple of friends. Our relationship has always been better than my past ones in our ability to talk honestly even about other people we were attracted to - something that had ended two of my past relationships. In February we realised that we were both limiting ourselves to one aspect of polyamory and missing out on the other and agreed to give it a good try. We have since discussed a multitude of possible issues, likely relationship configurations and of course done a LOT of research. We probably would have go here sooner but for a friend in a rather toxic poly relationship with no communication and a queen bee putting us off.

I intend to do a bit more reading around before I post on our current situation but just wanted to say hi. I'm sure he'll register himself soon and join in too.

Dalsol
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  #2  
Old 05-11-2012, 02:06 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Welcome to the forum! I hope you find this place as friendly and supportive as I have.

*****

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
I intend to do a bit more reading around before I post on our current situation
I understand this completely, I lurked for several months before even posting. I'll be interested in reading your story when you are ready to share. In particular I am interested in learning what your experiences were with:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
varying degrees of monogomy
- I found this phrase intriguing (and probably would have used it myself to describe phases of my relationship with MrS if I had thought of it - curious as to what you are meaning by it).

and

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
we realised that we were both limiting ourselves to one aspect of polyamory and missing out on the other
- I suspect that (statistically) you were limiting yourselves to sexual connections (more swinging) and missing out on emotional connections (more poly) - curious to see if I am right when the story is told!

*****

A few questions (to be answered only if/when you are comfortable):

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
finally admitting his desire to experience other women before committing long term to just one (something I'd suspected for a while but he had to find the courage to admit to himself).
- So for him it may be that poly is a transitional phase on the road to monogamy? This may be true for many people and, I believe, it may not be uncommon for people to worry that they may have found their "The One" too soon. However, if this is the case, it may be only be fair to potential partners to be made aware that he is not necessarily available for long-term relationships with everyone that he becomes involved with.

- Is the expectation that once he has sown his "wild oats" he will be ready to "settle down"? What if his desire to "experience other women" turns out to be a persistent desire? Some people view poly as a description of the current state of their relationship(s), others view it as an orientation (such as being gay or straight) that is not something that changes for them over time). (I bring this up because i have been told on a number of occasions that being bi is a "phase" - for me that phase has lasted 20 years ... just saying.)

- Having suspected this aspect of him for a while, did you bring it up to him or him to you? (this is just for my own curiosity - MrS is the one that pointed out to me that I was bi - I didn't have a word for it; I was the one that pointed out to Dude that he was probably poly - he didn't have a word for it.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
Our relationship has always been better than my past ones in our ability to talk honestly even about other people we were attracted to - something that had ended two of my past relationships.
Congratulations on the honesty and communication - something I see as lacking in many of the relationships I see in real life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
rather toxic poly relationship with no communication
Ouch! NOT a good introduction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dalsol View Post
a queen bee putting us off.
- OK, this is for my own edification - What is a "queen bee"? All of my other questions are for curiosity/thought experimentation but I really hope someone answers this for me - do I want to be one? From the context I would say not - on the other hand ... once I learned what a "cougar" was I decided that in a few years I want to graduate to that status! (>Joking< - Dude is only a few years younger than me...but the boys do tease me about my "cat-brain" which chants "pet me, pet me, pet me!" regularly)

*****

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-11-2012 at 02:14 AM.
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Old 05-11-2012, 03:32 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Dalsol,
Welcome to our forum.

Jane Q has covered any questions I might have had, , so I will just say welcome and I hope you make yourself at home here.

Sounds like you and your partner have put a lot of thought and study into this. I'm sure you'll do fine, just remember to keep those channels of communication open.

With well wishes and regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:32 PM
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Dalsol Dalsol is offline
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Smile More info

Hi JaneQ, I think I've answered all your questions - sorry it turned into a bit of an essay but it seemed easier to expand like that.

For us, we started our relationship as completely monogomous about 3 and a half years ago. Fairly soon after that we decided that kissing other people and minimal messing around was fine - and more might be OK so long as we asked permission first or both were there. I've always had quite flirty relationships with my friends and our parties usually involved games etc so this just seemed fairly normal to both of us. Then as we got more serious I started to notice that even though we were moving in together etc he didn't seem to be committing mentally. When we talked about the future he always struggled with the idea that he would never be with other women. He is a year and a half younger so I had expected this could be an issue at the beginning and offered an open relationship but he wanted the initial committment. As I said, this came to a head about a year and a half ago when he admitted that that before he'd be able to commit to anything long term he wanted to sleep with other women since he's fairly inexperienced. Once he'd finally admitted this we spent a long time with him not actively seeking anyone out and talking about how he knew he didn't want one night stands. I think at this point we would've labelled him poly if not for our prior experience of it.

Knowing he could sleep with other people I started to react differently to a couple of my male friends. I guess my mind stopped actively blocking the idea of forming new emotional connections with people. So when I say we were sort of semi-poly, I started to feel more for one of my friends but wasn't acting on it and he was allowed to sleep with other people but not to form relationships. So a bit of both.

I eventually brought up poly after he slept with a friend of ours, knowing that he'd ended up with a one night thing even though he didn't want that. The fact his physical intimacy didn't bothered me helped me to stop worrying about him making an emotional connection with other people. I was also very aware of the way I had started to feel about a friend. It was a simple - "if we didn't know X would you be talking about polyamory". The relief on his face said it all.

So yes, the journey has been a sort of scale with varying degrees of monogomy along the way.


As it stands now, I'm much more likely to end up with just one or possibly two other partners who would then probably become very important to me whereas he is more interested in having some short term, more casual relationships.

We aren't sure about the long term, I have made it clear that if I allow myself to fall for someone else it will run it's natural course and I wont end it if he decides he's finished experimenting. But (I think) he intends more to see what happens, starting with casual and possibly then engaging in one serious relationship if we are still on this path as we get older. Having met his dad I doubt the drive for other people will go away - whether it stays casual for him or evolves we shall have to wait and see.

I used "queen bee" as it seemed to typify the relationship we know. The woman makes all the rules but seems to do whatever she wants even if it hurts her men and their eventual partners. It was very inequal, almost like drones keeping a queen happy (though that is a little unfair on her intelligent and articulate partners). I had, and have I suppose a lot of fear of myself ending up like that if I took this road.

The thing that drove me to join the forum is a possible relationship starting up but I shall post on that this evening in the relationship area presuming I have time.

Dalsol
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  #5  
Old 05-11-2012, 08:08 PM
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Well, you are aware of some of the pitfalls now so that should help you avoid them. Your description does a good job of explaining where you guys have been so far on your poly journey.

I hope everything turns out good with your new prospective relationship.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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